Guilt- Part 2

by Trayth <Trayth@hotmail.com>

The heavy door to Derrick's study yielded to his shoulder and he entered the dim room. He dropped an armload of records, scrolls, and books onto the wide desk and went to add wood to still bright embers in the fireplace. After building the fire back to a warm blaze, he turned to find Seth huddled in a nearby chair, fast asleep. With a day old broken arm, the child spent most of his time dozing in his bed, made sleepy from the medication given to him to ease his pain.

Seth did not stir from Derrick's activity and the knight lifted the sleeping boy into his arms. He settled into the large chair, settling the boy next to him and wrapping his arm around the small shoulders. He stroked the boy's hair, gently trying to wake him. Seth sighed and struggled to open his eyes against the heavy need for sleep that wrapped around him like a blanket. Derrick helped him sit up, careful not to jostle the injured arm.

"Hi." Seth stated simply and rested his head against Derrick's shoulder. Derrick kissed the top of his head and looked down at the sleepy child.

"You should be in bed." Seth yawned and nodded, rubbing his eyes with his free hand.

"I needed to talk to you." The boy settled next to Derrick in the chair and gazed at the fire. He liked sitting in this chair next to Derrick. He liked the smell of the leather, the feel of the fire against the upholstery. He liked being held close.

"What do you want to talk about?" Derrick spread a blanket over the boy to protect his broken arm against the ever-present chill of the room. Seth stared down at his feet poking up at the bottom of the blanket, not knowing what to say despite much thought and a morning of rehearsed conversations.

"Are you mad at me?" Seth asked bluntly, not wanting to know the answer to that question, but figuring it is best to just get to the point.

"About what?" Derrick assumed the child was talking about the incident that resulted in his injury, but wanted to give the child room to say what was on his mind. Seth tapped his splinted arm hanging in its sling.

"I was bad." He stated in a small whisper. He hid his head against Derrick's shoulder, not so sure anymore he wanted to have this conversation. Derrick looked down at the boy, wishing this talk could have waited for at least another day. Sometimes he grew weary of having to discipline errant young men.

"You were disobedient Seth. You were not bad." Derrick always had a difficult time teaching the young ones the difference between behaving badly and being a bad person. He believed being able to tell the difference was key to a mischievous young boy growing into a confident young man.

"I didn't mind you and Conal." Derrick nodded at the truth of the statement, waiting for Seth to continue.

"Are you mad at me?" The repeated question was full of the desperation of a ten year-old boy needing reassurance that his mistakes can be forgiven.

"Yes, Seth. I am." Derrick's voice was calm and patient, but its softness did not diminish his firmness.

"I'm sorry, sir. I won't disobey anyone ever again." Tears welled up in the boy's eyes, but Derrick was not moved by them. Well, at least he wouldn't let on that he was.

"I've heard that before Seth. About the last six or seven times I've paddled your bottom for disobeying me." Seth bowed his head, knowing he had been punished at least weekly lately for this very offense. No matter how hard he tried, he just could not seem to mind. Actually though, it was a lot more fun to do what he wanted instead of what he was told. He didn't like all the stupid rules he had to follow.

"I know. I'm sorry. I really promise I won't do it again." Derrick frowned at the child, not convinced that this was a likely turn of events.

"Seth, you have become very disobedient lately and it does not seem that being disciplined for it has had any effect on you. Frankly, I am not sure you have any interest in changing your behavior. Perhaps you prefer to be known as a spoiled, disobedient little boy who does not respect or mind his knight." Seth bolted upright at the reprimand, and hissed at the pain it caused his arm. His eyes were wide with protest against the accusations Derrick was making, but he could not form an argument against them. All he could manage was to stammer and stutter meaningless gibberish that didn't even make sense to him. For lack of any better ideas, he flopped back into the chair and pouted cradling his arm that had begun to ache from all its jostling around. He wasn't spoiled. He wasn't a little boy. He hated being called that. And who said he doesn't respect Derrick? Ok, so he doesn't always do what he is told. But who's perfect anyway? Derrick moved to the footstool to more easily make eye contact with Seth.

"Seth, you are being disobedient right now. You were told by the battle surgeon and by me that you needed to stay in bed for at least two weeks while your arm starts to heal. You need to keep your arm still so it will mend well. But instead I find you down here sleeping in a cold room without adequate support for your arm because you want to talk. You need to learn, young man, that what you want is not always what is best." Seth felt a mixture of anger and regret at Derrick's words, and found himself still unable to reply reasonably.

"That's not FAIR!" Seth blinked at the uselessness of the statement, surprised that the words flew out of his mouth before his brain knew what was happening. He looked pleadingly at Derrick, hoping his knight would say something to help get him out of this mess. Tears filled his eyes and he gave in to feeling completely and utterly confused. He just wanted to talk about what happened and admit he knew he was wrong to have disobeyed. He tried to tell Derrick as much, but still felt as if he were trying to swim through mud. Derrick shook his head firmly at the boy, dismissing his excuses and pleading looks.

"Are you trying to tell me that you could not figure out any way to ask me to talk without leaving your bed?" Derrick's voice was harsh and Seth felt himself melting under the reprimand. All he wanted was for this to be over. His eyes finally brimmed over with the tears he was trying so hard to avoid.

"Seth, servants have been looking in on you hourly since you have been home. I have seen you at least twice in the last day. What could you have done in this situation without disobeying me?" Seth hung his head, wiping his runny nose on his shirt and trying unsuccessfully to avoid bawling like the child he was accused of being.

"I....I guess....I could....have told....one....of the....servants....I wanted....to talk to youuuu." The young boy stammered between sobs. Derrick watched the boy try to compose himself, not feeling any better than the ten year-old about how this conversation was going. Seth stood on shaky legs and leaned into Derrick in an armless hug.

"I....I....I....d-didn't....th-think of it l-like th-at, sir." Seth sniffled hard and Derrick produced a handkerchief to help him blow his nose.

"Muh-may I b-be exc-used, s-sir?" Derrick was set for arguments or pleading, but not for that. He put his hands on the boy's shoulders and squeezed them gently.

"Why? I thought you wanted to talk." Seth nodded that he did want to and blew his nose again.

"I w-want to d-do what I-I'm 'sposed t-to. I sh-should b-be in b-bed." Derrick filled with pride at the small but significant step just taken, and smiled at the boy.

"all right Seth, you may be excused." Seth leaned into Derrick once more, then shuffled to the door, hiccoughing and wiping his nose. Derrick watch the door swing shut and was surprised to feel his own eyes tear up a bit. He was not sure yet what he would do next, but thought it best to give Seth a little time to think about what just happened. The knight turned to his desk and began rummaging around in the heap of records he brought in. He lost himself in figures and contracts for a few hours before he was startled from his task by a knock on the door. To Derrick's surprise, John entered the room, bundled in cloak and boots, sniffing and looking very rumpled.

"How are you feeling, son?" John wrapped his arms around his father and relaxed into a warm hug.

"Awful, father. I just can't get rid of this headache." John flopped down in the chair next to the large desk and blew his nose.

"Then you should be back in bed." Derrick wondered if he was going to have to add John to his list of punished wards for the day. John nodded agreement to the statement and blew again.

"I know, father. I will go back right away. Aidan said I could walk a little today if I bundled up, but I really am not feeling up to it yet. I visited with Seth for a little while and he asked if I would give you this." John produced a folded piece of parchment from the folds of his cloak and handed it to Derrick. Derrick accepted the parchment and wondered if his battle surgeon was not giving in to John's boredom by letting him up quite so soon.

"John, I can appreciate how bored you must be, but I think it would be best if you stayed away from Seth just now. He needs his strength to heal his arm. I don't want him nursing a cold as well." He reached across the desk and placed his hand against John's forehead, not please with the warmth he felt.

"You are running a fever. Get back to bed and I will send Aidan up to check on you." John rose to obey without protest.

"I don't want you out of bed again today John. Stay warm and give yourself time to get well." The knight did not want to sound overly stern with his eldest squire and hoped the affection he felt for him came through in his voice. The ever so slightly fallen look on John's face suggested that this was perhaps not the case.

"Yes, sir." John nodded quietly but his disappointment at the command was unmistakable.

"I just miss you father." His voice, hindered by congestion and worn from coughing sounded much younger than his years. Derrick smiled and stood, pulling his son into a tight embrace.

"I miss you too, son. I will come up later and we can visit for awhile. Stay warm though, and make sure you take your medicine." John laughed and assured his father that Aidan was as regular as sunrise with nasty tasting syrups and potions. After one last tight hug, John ambled back to his bed, nursing a pounding head and runny nose.

Derrick unfolded the piece of parchment just delivered. As he suspected, it was a note from Seth requesting a visit later that afternoon so they could talk. He chuckled quietly to himself, relieved that the boy had at least gotten one point he was trying to make. Perhaps there was hope yet. Derrick set himself to complete the administrative tasks he had for the day quickly, so he could spend the afternoon attending to his pages and squires. He was looking forward to spending some time working with the three who were healthy and currently out of trouble, but that hope was soon dashed. All three of them were restless and unfocused and stubbornly resistant to more subtle re-direction from their knight. Derrick found himself low on patience and assigned extra chores to work off excess energy instead of continuing with the planned lesson. He left the training yard after reminding Conal that he was restricted to his room after chores were done and tracked down his battle surgeon for an update on Seth and John. After a brief conference, Aidan went on his way to check on John, and Derrick made his way to Seth's room.

His page was sleeping, though none too well when he entered the darkened room. He drew the shutters open to allow sunlight in. Seth started awake at the movement and smiled shyly at Derrick as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"Thank you for the note, Seth. That was an excellent way to let me know what you wanted." Seth stared at his hands in his lap, feeling very ashamed of his behavior for the last several weeks. Maybe Derrick was wrong. Maybe he really was just plain bad.

"Am I really spoiled?" Seth asked, worried and embarrassed. Derrick shook his head and smiled gently at the boy.

"No. But you may be well on your way if you don't get yourself squared away. I am very concerned about you Seth. I am afraid I can't trust you to do what you are told." Seth skipped the gradual welling up with tears part and went straight into sobbing at his knight's words. He had spent the entire morning after returning to his room telling himself what a wicked and disobedient brat he was, and now he had plain hard truth to back up his deepest fears. To think that Derrick felt he could not be trusted was more than he could stand. He didn't need more than a tiny nudge to fall apart now. Derrick was taken aback by the sudden onslaught of tears and rested his hand companionably on the boy's shoulder. He spoke comfort in hushed tones, but all of the usual tricks did nothing to calm the child down. He leaned the boy against his chest and stroked his cheek and hair, trying to find the words to ease some of the distress he obviously felt.

Through choked and snot clogged sobs, Seth poured out his heart and soul to the man he loved most in life, confessing every wrong doing he ever committed, begging forgiveness and another chance to prove himself trustworthy. Derrick rocked and cuddled the child, trying to restore some sense of self-worth without undoing what Seth was trying so hard to learn that day. After nearly crying enough tears to fill a river, Seth began to calm down enough to listen to his knight.

Derrick was careful to remind the boy of how smart and clever he is, how strong and fierce, how loved and cherished no matter what his behavior. As Seth grew more and more calm, so could the problem behaviors be more calmly addressed. By the end of a long and very hard discussion, it was agreed that Seth would try his hardest to obey all instructions given to him, and that effort failing, would be soundly punished at each and every lapse. He and Derrick would meet briefly after lunch and before bed each day to review his behavior with appropriate praise or punishment administered at that time. Seth was confident that he would not have to deal with the potential of being thoroughly spanked twice in any one day. Derrick was not so certain.

The boy snuggled next to Derrick, partly from fatigue after the draining session with his knight. Mostly though, it just felt good to feel.... well....better again. He didn't quite feel good, but he definitely felt better. Seth sighed at the huge mix of emotion and fatigue he was feeling and looked up at Derrick through tear-swollen eyes. Derrick did not want to the road that obviously needed to be taken in this situation and ran the tip of his index finger along Seth's jaw line.

"Do you understand why it is so important for you to obey my instructions, Seth?" The child nodded, sincerity seeping through every pore of him.

"Then I am going to assume that there will be no further problems with you not doing as you are told." Seth shook his head vigorously, denying even the mere thought of disobeying anyone ever again. Deep down inside though, he still felt unfinished. Of course, Derrick knew it too.

"And you know what will happen if you do disobey me again." Seth nodded slowly, not wanting to ever be in that situation again. And he sighed, knowing what needed to come next.

"There is still the matter of this incident," Derrick stated, tapping the splinted arm gently.

"Please, sir. I have felt so guilty. I really need you to." Tears brimmed in ten year-old eyes. Derrick did not think spanking the boy was a good idea for fear of further hurting his arm, else he would have done it far sooner. But, he knew something had to be done to bring closure to this incident. After conferring with Aidan earlier, he had an idea of how the situation could be resolved safely. He eased away from Seth and went to the boy's wardrobe, taking a small paddle off a hook inside the door. Seth started to stand, but Derrick shook his head 'no' and the boy just looked at him, wondering what was going to happen next.

"Seth, I am going to punish you. It is going to be very severe, but you must hold still and not strain your arm. If you fight me about it, I will stop spanking you and you will just have to deal with feeling guilty." Seth nodded, not having any idea what he was getting himself into. He knew he hated that dreaded paddle. He knew he did not want to be spanked. And he knew he had to be punished for his behavior or he was never going to be able to forgive himself.

Derrick directed the boy to lie flat on his back and as close to the edge of the bed as possible. Seth looked puzzled but did as he was told, and a pillow was braced under his injured arm to provide more support. Seth still did not understand what was happening. Since Derrick was holding the paddle, he figured he was going to get good and blistered, but he could not figure out how a bottom got paddled if one is lying on it. Without any explanation, Derrick lifted Seth's legs high up in the air, pushing his feet toward his head, and every question Seth had was suddenly answered. His sleeping shirt slid away easily to reveal his absolutely bare bottom, muscles and skin pulled tighter even than bending over the big desk in Derrick's study. Yes, Seth thought to himself, he is definitely going to get good and blistered.

Derrick grasped Seth's ankles, keeping legs lifted back and firmly in place, then began peppering the small bottom with sharp smacks of the paddle. Seth held very still for as long as he could stand, but Derrick began swatting harder and harder, leaving angry red blotches all over the exposed buttocks. Seth squirmed, trying to ease the searing flame in his rear end and failing miserably. With each swat he wanted to jerk away or try to roll over but Derrick's hold on him was too strong. After a volley of particularly hard smacks, he burst into tears, no longer even trying to be brave. He bawled and whimpered but did not try to kick his legs or flail his arms. Derrick raised the paddle again, planting a very hard swat in the center of Seth's bottom.

"Ohhhh! Oh please! Sir! Oh!" Derrick was oblivious to the growing protest, intent on delivering a well-deserved lesson. The paddle continued to rise and fall, and Seth continued to cry his heart out.

"Oh please sir! S-s-t-ahhh-p! PLEASE NO MORE! Oh!" Seth could not help but try to wiggle away from the swats, and Derrick rewarded the effort with an even firmer hold around Seth's legs and several swats delivered to tender thighs. After a few more smacks were well laid in, Seth collapsed in a heap of tears and regret, begging for the punishment to end. He was still pleading after Derrick had stopped, and knight gathered a very chastised page into his arms. Seth sobbed until the pain in his bottom subsided to a more tolerable level, and Derrick wiped the tear and snot smeared face with a warm damp cloth. They remained together for several minutes more, comfort being given without words and heartfelt apologies whispered through lingering sobs. Seth was settled back into bed squirming at not being able to roll off of his back and protect his well-reddened backside. Still, there was a certain strange comfort in the heat and throbbing sensation against the mattress. Most of all, Seth felt good again. Not just better, but really truly good. And he knew he was going to be able to stay that way for a good long time. Derrick was not so optimistic.

After tucking his page back into bed, he wandered down the hall to John's room. Finally, he found a squire doing exactly what he was supposed to be doing. Sleeping.


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