MARSHMALLOW (February 30th-March 24th): Venus in the House of Psychology suggests that you are in for a hot time tonight. Pity about the marks it will leave, but she did warn you she was starting to exhibit toppish tendencies.
ARMPIT (March 25th-April 25th, closed Tuesdays): Mars entering the Milky Way this month means that you can eat between meals without ruining your appetite. Try to lighten up a little, as the grim expression when you brandish that whip is starting to make relationships difficult.
CARTWHEEL (April 26th-May or May Not 19th): Sheesh ! For a round kind of sign you are so SQUARE ! I mean, you bought that story about the handcuffs ? What a laugh !
ASPIRIN (June 1st, only in participating stores): You will be small round and white this month. Just like last month actually. And the month before. Get a life.
SWEETWRAPPER (June 2nd-July 43rd): Your stars this month suggest that you will be crumpled up and discarded before being incinerated. Romantic and business aspects also bright.
KOMODO DRAGON (Disgust 19th-September 22nd): An exceptionally good month for all Komodos, as the Sun in Uranus (well, your mother thinks so) means that your scales are gleaming brightly, your megalomania knows no bounds, and your plans to invade and occupy a small neigbouring country are particularly well-aspected around the time of the new moon. Komodo tops (and hey, ALL Komodos are tops at heart) may suffer a little from repetitive strain injury towards the end of the month, due to spanking so many bottoms.
ESTONIA (September 23rd-October 0th): Beware of fraternal assistance from Komodo Dragons, particularly after the new moon this month. Estonians should endeavour to get spanked in the sauna as this will enable any passing Finnish tourists to make clever puns about bottom-saunas.
LIMBER, THE PADDLE (October 1st-April 1st, in Red Permit Zones only. WARNING - failure to comply is a Federal offence): Limberans will be saying 'bottoms-up' this month as you will have plenty to celebrate, and your busy schedule won't leave you the time or the inclination to be sitting around. Heh heh.
ELECTROLUX, THE FRIDGE-FREEZER (Never 12th-Remember 24th): You will be too busy being cool, as usual, to spank or get spanked this month. Beware of power cuts on or around the 18th, smart-ass.
GRONK, THE CRANE: Nah sorry, that's one of those Wonderful World of Disney nature films we used to have to sit through at school. Let's try . . .
GODEMICHET (Voluptuary 28th-Merkin 22nd): Things may suddenly look dark, but try to remember that even when you feel surrounded and used you are helping to bring pleasure to others.
CASSOCK (John 23rd-Pius 9th): This could be a good time to take up a new hobby, such as flagellation or mortification of the flesh. The comet Hale-Whop appearing in your sign is an indication of change; don't let yourself be put off by well-meaning friends from exploring your new interests in leather and bondage.