[the following letter is posted below, without editing, exactly as received from the boy's father. Cal]
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October 9, 1998
Orlando, Florida
Dear Cal,
We know it has been a long time since we've written, but it is not because we haven't not wanted to. It has simply been a matter of time as we know you understand.
We appreciated your interchanges with us last summer on the matter of our son who, by the way, will turn 17 next weekend, and also on options we had as parents to turn him around and pull him out of the slump of his poor school performance and behavior around the house back then. These were difficult times for us and your time and comments, although appreciated, caused a lot of real thought and discussions around here. You know, where we had gone wrong and all of that. While we had always been close as a family and wanted very much to accept his growing up, it proved very difficult to talk this one through given the way he was going and then finally come to an agreement. No parent, I don't think, likes to confront this kind of difficult choice regarding their son at his age, but we didn't have a choice.
Though your experience with the boys you raised was helpful to hear, it was still ultimately very difficult to see how it could help our son and even more difficult for us to envision taking over with him at his age at all. We had never used corporal punishment on him before and thus to think about starting now was a very difficult decision. Actually if you had asked us a year ago we would have both told you we didn't believe in corporal punishment. We don't see it that way these days.
Finally, though, things got far out of hand and we were at the point where it was clear our words and restrictions were having no effect whatsoever on our son's behavior. Then together we made the decision to follow through, try it your way, and spank him that night.
We both felt it important that he needed to understand that this was something we both had decided on as we knew his understanding that we were completely together on things, as you had pointed out, would be crucial for him at his age. Still it was not easy. He's a good looking kid, well liked in school, and the kind of kid you want to be proud of. How could we just up and introduce corporal punishment at this point of his life? It seemed unthinkable. Not easily done, for sure.
But, at that point we had restricted him for the weekend already, and yet it was clear to us when he went up to his room that he was completely unaffected by the punishment and really didn't seem to care one way or another. This was the point where we talked together in the kitchen again before we went up to talk with him.
He was sitting there, reading or doing what he said was homework, with his radio on as usual. First I turned it off. He looked very surprised as you might imagine.
I explained why we were unhappy with his behavior and grades, but while he was paying attention, it was the same ho-hum that always seemed to come from him those days. His only interest seemed to be how long he would be restricted as he had plans for the next few days.
When I went on to explain, calmly and quietly as you had suggested, that some things had to change and were going to change, he started paying more attention. But it was not until I laid out that we were going to work out some clear rules and expectations that he really sat up. He wanted to know what kind of rules and so we began to lay things out clearly for him. Although he got a little testy at this, it was nothing all that unusual in him. A curfew was set for schooldays and weekends and that was when he began to object in the ways we had come to expect of him over the last several years. When he asked with typical sarcasm how long he would be restricted for, the time was right for me to tell him that from that night on there were going to be no more restrictions. He seemed very surprised and started smiling until I just told him we had agreed that from now on he was going to be paddled.
As you warned us, all hell broke out as he jumped off his bed and walked around the room complaining, yelling, telling us we couldn't, and everything else, but when I interrupted him and told him to sit back down on his bed and shut up, for the first time in years he did it.
We never wanted it to come to this, but it was too late to turn back now. We laid it all out clearly for him that he was going to be paddled now and anytime in the future either of us felt necessary.
I've never seen my son so pale. There was no question he understood the seriousness of the situation.
Immediately he began bargaining and making excuses and asking that this time just be a warning again as you had told us he probably would. It was very difficult to proceed. He seemed so sincere this time. I just wanted to believe him and give him one more chance.
But my wife's head was shaking and we didn't turn back and we didn't offer a second chance. Instead I told him second chances were a thing of the past and it was now time for his pants to come down for the paddle. He panicked but the door was blocked while I repeated he was to take them down or I would take them down for him. I had the paddle you had suggested we get. It was in a brown bag and I took it out. His eyes couldn't have been larger or more watery as when I took it out and showed it to him. From now on, when he didn't obey it was going to be used on him immediately and liberally. There would be no more games or second chances.
Our determination as you suggested ultimately did rule the day and this time when I told him to take them down, he reached a bit quickly for his belt and began to do it. For the first time in years, my son was obeying.
Still it was hard. He seemed to young and vulnerable when he stood there with his pants down around his shoes and in just his shirt and briefs underneath it. It was hard to follow through, but we had decided to try it.
I took him across my lap and already he was half whimpering. When I took down his briefs, he shuttered and began to cry softly with all the promises in the world that I hadn't head him say in years and years. My wife insured the windows were closed tightly and pulled the drapes and then left the room. I spanked him with my hand and then paddled him with that paddle and I certainly did not go easy on him. It was very difficult for me to spank him the first time though. Applying the paddle was even worse for me that time. He seemed so shaken and scared but I follow through with it like you had said to. I was surprised but it happened just like you had warned me. First it was just squirming and wiggling around. Then he started crying. I'd never seen him like this, but I ignored all his promises and crying and just gave it to him. When I was finished and he was sobbing like the small boy I once remembered, I helped him up and he eased himself down on his bed, his hands between his legs with his face stayed down looking at the floor with his hair flopping over his eyes as his tears were still flowing. He reached for a Kleenex but didn't look at me. I left him that way in his room to think about things and consider his future. I'd said when he was ready he could come out and we'd go over again what was expected of him.
While we waited downstairs and were, as you might imagine, extremely concerned if we had done the right thing, we could hear sniffles still coming from his room. It was the most heart-wrenching period of my life with my son. All my doubts about corporal punishment flooded back into my mind and I hope I had done the right thing. I was very nervous about his reactions now.
After what seemed like hours, we heard him finally coming out and when we saw him his face was flushed, his eyes still watery, and he looked so sad. But, we sat down together and talked about things and this time there were no objections, no arguments, no complaints, just a very good boy who seemed so different from the one earlier in the day. It was a long night's discussion, but one of the best we've ever had as a family. We finished the rules together and made it clear to him that if he broke one there would be a quick repeat of what he had just been through. He assured us he understood but that once had been enough and he'd never do anything again to cause us to spank him. I smiled when he promised me I could get rid of the paddle forever as he would obey the rules from that point on. Though I appreciated his sincerity and told him so, I also told him the paddle was going to remain in the house and I would not hesitate to use it again on him if necessary. I almost thought he was going to try to negotiate a bit, but when I pointed to the rule relating to listening and not arguing, his face flushed and he said nothing further. In short, after that long discussion, we made up as a family and went forward.
At times, it wasn't easy.
Since that first time we have had to spank him of course, as you warned us we would. Initially there was a lot of testing of us, but when he broke a rule, whoever was there would spank him. It if had been his mother, I would spank him myself later when I got home from work. Finally he learned we were serious. I don't think there is any doubt in his mind about that now.
These days the rules have been refined and made even clearer but he's studying more and his grades and teacher comments are improving. We're very pleased with the differences in him these day! For sure he's not where we want him to be, but we're moving in the right direction. Best part is he's back a part of our family again. It certainly wasn't easy, but we followed your suggestions, especially about the relationship part and taking extreme care at insuring his feelings of being loved and listened to, and in this case, it seems to be working. You were right about how much time it was going to take, but we devoted whatever time we needed. He's still our top priority.
Initially we spanked him a lot. Now it's become less frequent, though it's still happening. Most important, he's back as a member of our family. He's especially good about being on time and things now and it's almost cute to watch him now whenever one of his friends is over. He clearly does not want anyone outside of our family to know or even suspect we are spanking him now. He is extremely careful that none of his friends get anywhere near the door where she has his paddle hanging. A nice touch my wife added is that she took some paint and wrote his name on that paddle hanging there. All it takes when he gets a bit rambunctious or his teen stuff enters in is a quick reminder like "do we need to spend some time together in your room right now?" and he immediately replies "No, Sir" or "No, Ma'am" and falls into line. On rare occasions when he doesn't, anyone in the house is asked to leave and as soon as the house is clear, the paddle's taken down and he's sent in his room to take off his pants and shorts to wait while the house is shut down, the stereo turned up a bit and in the privacy of the family he's spanked and paddled. Usually I'm the one to spank him, but if I'm not there she paddles him and then he waits until I get home knowing there is more coming.
In other words, no matter how difficult it was for us to spank him that first time and to keep up the pressure on him until he changed and adjusted to the new system, it worked. We have no regrets at all about having followed through with this even given his age. It's been good for him and good for all of us. I'm only sorry we didn't bring corporal punishment into his life much earlier. It would have made it much easier on us all. Still, even at his age, having the paddle in the house to use on him has made all the difference in the world. I'm a believer, we both are now, and neither of us has any hesitancy in recommending the paddle for a boy like him. It's made all the difference in the world for us and we expect to have it around and use it as necessary on him for a long time to come. I'm just sorry it took us so long to realize it.
Thanks again for taking the time to talk with us. I know we took up a lot of your time with questions and things through, but it worked almost exactly as if you had written the script so we were prepared. And, thanks again. We appreciated it.
Sincerely,
Harry