Lonnie poked his head around the door of the locker room just as I was stuffing my whites into the laundry bag.
"Phone call for you, it's Kyle." I said to tell him that I had just left. "He said you'd say that, but if you don't take his call, he said your're going to be sorry. " Yeah, well, I had a criminal day and didn't feel like being coaxed into cruising the clubs after work.
That day was turning out to be a major headache. First, I got called into the exec's office and told that I was being sent to another city to apprentice for two months. All the paperwork was in place. I had a vacation coming up and I was going diving in the Keys. _d_a_m_n_! I was going to have to cancel and I had been looking forward to it. I was definitely feeling cranky as I pulled on my clothes. My roommate would just have to party without me.
I caught _s_h_i_t_ all day. I wasn't enthusiastic about being sent away. I had 24 hours to make up my mind and the exec was pissed that I hadn't kissed his feet for recommending me. He chewed me out, sounding like Schwarzenegger, about how he was going out on a limb for me, there were guys with more seniority than me, what an opportunity it was for me, how I was an ungrateful etc. Through the glass walls of the office, the others were discretely watching him angrily whacking away at my rump. I let my body go limp and stared at my clogs, giving him my repentant imitation. Either it didn't work or it worked too well.
During the dinner rush he hovered over me just to make sure that I felt the effects of his ire. When he noticed that I plated a pecan crusted snapper that was a tiny bit dry, he walloped me so hard everyone cringed.
The force that he hit me with and the look on his face made it clear. That was no, "I like to hit you and I know it inflates your raft", look. I was scared, I knew that I had better not disappoint him. He's the one who told me to check out M/M spanking in Europe that led me to this site. When he was hitting me, he called me 'chinadoll' and threatened to bring a cane to work. Was I being rewarded or punished? I really hate surprises. I appreciated his confidence, I just wished he'd talked to me first. My life is like being on a trampoline: one minute you think you can touch the sky, one wrong move, your ass is on the grass.
The last thing I wanted to do that night was plant my blackened butt on some bar stool. There was some hard thinking to be done. That's what I was doing racing home in raining rat central and considering the up and downs of a two month apprenticeship. If I turned it down, I could lose my job. A change of scene, hmm, it could be good for me. There was the uncomfortable hell that was my personal life. I really was the logical choice, so there would be a minimum amount of jealousy from the others. Right, there was my totally rusty Cantonese.
It consisted of weekly conversations with my Grandma. Yes, no, I'm fine, Mama's fine, yes, yes, no, yes, love you too. With the wrong tone, hell, I would probably tell someone to complete a contortionist's act with an esteemed parent or some large animal. But on the up side, I was thinking, I was being set loose on a city with a large gay population. Being a polka dot with a Southern drawl could work in my favor. I could definitely experience the wild side that was impossible in the Bible Belt. My chance to howl! The downside to that was???
I was starting to feel better as I skidded up to my humble abode and began to lock up my riceburner. A car door slammed. My ex-boyfriend was parked across the street. Oh man, Kyle had called to warn me! I meant to go over and speak to him but he moved too quickly and was at my elbow. I could recognize an ugly mood.
We split more than a month ago when I couldn't take the pressure to move in with him. I didn't want any changes in my life at the time and I like my freedom. He's late thirties, good looking, well built, has a great job and is just an all round sweet guy. He's ready to settle down, I'm not. I wasn't up for another grim confrontation. We'd spoken on the phone a few times, but I did not want to do it in person. Hell, I was beat, I just wanted to be left alone.
He was just itching for a fight.
"Where are you on the weekends? Did you dump me for another guy? You said you needed time to work out some personal problems! Are you _f_u_c_k_ing another guy? Answer me!!" Actually, I'd been hiding out here, writing.
Whoa there. He didn't wait for a reply, just grabbed me by the hair and pulled me across the road and into his car. Please, I got queasy in cars when stressed and he had a new Lexus Coupe. Thank god, he only lived a few minutes away. He hustled me into his condo and started in on a rant. At the UCF Reflecting Pond, he had cornered A. J., who had introduced us. He told my ex that he wasn't forceful enough with me. I needed a strong hand, A. J. told him. I shouldn't be allowed to walk all over him, A. J. said. I'm going to break A. J.'s legs when I see him.
"Is that the truth? I've treated you like glass for months and you dump me because you want it rough? You wait until I really fall for you and you never tell me that I'm not giving you what you need? What kind of crap is that!" _d_a_m_n_, he looked terrible, totally haggard. Maybe poor lighting?
OK, I have enough of a conscience to feel guilty. He was terrific to me. Fun, loving, understanding, so many qualities that I knew I needed in a relationship, but how do you say to someone,
"Honey, the _s_e_x_ is good, but chances are that if you beat the _s_h_i_t_ out of me at appropriate moments, you'd have to scrape me off the ceiling, uncurl my toes and listen to me purr." Ruins my mood. I never know if it's going to chill a guy down or heat him up.
OK, I want someone to read my mind. I tried buying him a large wooden spoon like the European exec uses to keep us in line. Then I'd cook for him just wearing an apron and hoped he'd put some color in my cheeks. No, all I ever got was screwed silly.
I also flirted with all his friends including the straights (I know, no fair) hoping that he'd show a little jealousy. No, he would just smile indulgently and his friends probably think that I'm an impertinent, trashy little jerk.
So, I didn't feel like having a conversation about what I did or did not need. In the middle of his living room, he started.
"A. J. told me that this is your pattern, you little asshole. You find someone to treat you like a prince, then you keep them at arms length until you pull the plug!" The veins in his throat and at his temples were throbbing with adrenaline. He was pulling at my clothes.
I was struggling to get away from him, suddenly afraid of his strength and wrath. He had never hurt me, an unkind word was rare. Hopeless. He pushed me to the floor and tore my T-shirt, then hit me across the shoulders with his belt. I had to coach him 'not to hit there'.
At last he caught on and put me across his knees and brought his hand down on my bare buns with every ounce of frustration he'd been feeling the past month.
SMACK! SMACK! SMACK! SMACK!
"It hit me when I was waiting for you what kind of complete fool I have been to let you get away with the _s_h_i_t_ you've pulled!"
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
He cursed me to China and back for my past behavior. I was assured that I wasn't getting away with anything ever again. Man, he learned fast! Then he tried out every combo he could think of: his hand, then belt, then a Nike Turf Raider. (how appropriate) I couldn't help imagining the curious pattern it was embedding on my backside as I stared down at its' size 13 twin through my tears.
"You're going to tell me where you are and what you're doing every minute of every day from now on. Now I call all the shots! I'm in control of this relationship!" He was really wound up. "You don't know how often I just wanted to belt you but I'd go to the gym and beat up on the heavy bag!"
WHACK! WHACK!
When his anger was spent, I made all the required apologies, but no promises, then tried to placate him with my mouth. He wanted my ass and took it right there on the hardwood floor. I'm sure my body is imprinted in the heart of pine, that man had really not had _s_e_x_ for a month. Afterwards, I expected to be soothed, but he hadn't learned that part. I just got rode hard and put away wet.
He tossed me his raincoat, drove me back to my apartment and dumped me naked and tear-stained on the grass in front of my building. No clothes, no keys, no wallet, no dignity. I scrambled up the stairs, took my spare key from under the jade tree at my door and let myself in. Kyle looked at me.
"Does this mean you're engaged?"