Welcome to this live radio broadcast of the annual ****** High School carnival. We're coming to you from the athletic field, where the fund-raising festivities are in full sway. What's sure to be the most popular attraction is just about to open - in fact, there's already a long line of eager students forming at the dunking booth.
I sure all you listeners know that this year, all the "dunkees" in the booth will be members of the high school football team. To be specific, those team members who failed their last elementary arithmetic exam, and are therefore ineligible to play for the rest of the season (it was almost the whole team anyway) Coach Conrad has arranged for these guys to take a make-up test. But the price is participation in today's games.
I'm standing near the booth now. It's been set up by the boys on the baseball team. I see a long board on which those big husky guys are going to have to perch. There's the bull's-eye target that all these awaiting patrons are going to do their best to hit. Several feet below the board is, or course, a big tub filled with water. Is that ice those smiling baseball boys are pouring in? Yes it is - bagful after bagful! Boys, those football heros are in for a big cold surprise!
Isn't that Kent Carr, the star pitcher, warming up with a few baseballs over there? Oh, I see. I've just been told that Kent is going to be doing all the throwing today. Anyone wanting to contribute to the school fund pays a dollar and lets Kent hit the target. And folks, he never misses!
There's Nick King, the team's best slugger, carrying a really big paddle. It seems there's an additional penalty for any football jock who swears when he's about to be dunked - a good hard lick from this crackerjack batter - and can he swing! Well folks, I'll bet Nick's gonna stay real busy - you know how foul-mouthed these gridiron guys are.
I think the games are starting. Yes! There's a guy coming out of the doorway onto the plank! No, he's going back in! He's being pushed back out! It's Harmon, the team's center. And he's in his underwear! That's right, all you listeners! This big football boy is naked except for a pair of white cotton briefs! And he doesn't seem to want to be up on that plank. But Coach Conrad - I see him standing, paddle in hand, in the doorway - has persuaded him. The crowd is laughing it up at the sight of this brawny guy wearing only his little white underpants. Harmon's finally sat on the edge of the board. He may be blushing - I can't see from here.
There's the first student in the line paying his dollar. We're about to get going, everybody! Kent's taking careful aim with the baseball. Harmon looks on wide-eyed. Kent throws. Harmon starts to get up...
[The sound of a baseball striking the target is heard. Then "Oh, _s_h_i_t_!" followed by a loud splash.]
Harmon's in the water! There's his head! I can tell he got quite a surprise! He's spluttering and trying to pull himself out of that freezing water, but he keeps slipping and falling back into the vat! He's out, and clutching himself from the cold, teeth chattering. Yes, folks, Harmon the husky center is hopping around here, shivering. And I'll tell you, the way his sopping wet underpants are clinging doesn't leave much to the imagination. Now here's Nick with the paddle, wanting to give Harmon something to warm him up. Harmon doesn't seem to want to bend over and take his penalty lick for swearing. But two of the baseball players are holding him down.
[Crack! "Owww!" Laughter from the crowd.]
That young man is quite the little slugger. Did all you sportsfans hear that sopping sound when the paddle hit? I'll bet getting it in those wet underpants is practically like getting it on the bare butt. But Coach Conrad's boys should be used to that. Let's get Harmon's reaction.
["Oh! Oh! Oh!]
Sorry, folks, he doesn't seem to want to talk. He's jumping around with his hands plunged down the rear of his underpants. And this crowd is eating it up! But Harmon seems to be embarrassed, I guess from having so many people see him naked except for his underpants. Oh - here's one of the baseball boys, bringing something else for Harmon to put on. It's a dunce cap! I haven't seen one of those in a long time! Yes, it's one of those cone-shaped hats with the word "DUNCE" written in bright red letters down it! And Harmon's giving us a good look at it while he hops around. I'm sorry if I'm laughing, folks, but you know what comical expressions these big dumb jocks can get on their faces.
Coach Bradley, paddle in hand, just appeared. He' guiding Harmon off to the back of the booth. Oh, really? There's going to be an egg-toss after all the jocks have been dunked. There's another one coming onto the plank. It's Norris, the halfback. Kent's got the baseball - there it goes - a perfect hit!
["Goddammit!" Splash!]
And we've got another wet jock, sportsfans. He can't seem to get out of that icy w ater fast enough. I guess he's eager to get his penalty lick from Nick.
["No, no!" Crack! "Yeow!"]
And now we've got a dancing jock. I tell you, folks, that underwear is so tight on Norris, I can see the red marks on his butt right through it. They're giving Norris his dunce cap. The art department has really been busy!
********************************** Well, folks, we've run out of jocks. There are a lot of disappointed patrons still in line. But they'll get their chance with the egg-toss. Let's walk around around the booth to see if it's started.
I wish all you listeners could be here! All of the football jocks are huddled here - just as if they were on the football field. But boy do these big guys look silly, shivering and hugging themselves. Of course on the football field, they'd be wearing more than wet underpants. And they definitely woudn't be wearing dunce caps!
The baseball boys have been going around selling eggs from baskets. And look at those eggs fly! The jocks have of course turned their backs to the crowd, so everyone is aiming for their butts. Here are Coaches Conrad and Bradley, armed with their paddles, trying to make the guys turn around and face the paying customers. The boys don't seem eager to comply.
[Crack!]
I guess everybody heard that. Coach Conrad just delivered a really good smack to one of his uncooperative boys. That smeared the egg on his underpants even more!
The guys are facing the crowd now. So of course everybody's trying to hit their faces. But be careful - let's not knock those dunce caps off!
Now the coaches are making the boys turn around again - and bend over. Boy are those hunky butts getting pelted with eggs! The seats of those underpants are completed covered with yellow goo! It's quite a sight - I feel sorry for all you who can't be here.
The footballers are facing the egg-throwers again. I say facing, but I can't really see too much of the guys' faces because of the sticky patches all over them. The egg is running down to their chests, even down into the front of their underpants, and the boys can't do a thing about it! I wish we had a television camera here. The befuddled expressions on those jock faces are priceless!
What! Out of eggs already! Who let that happen! Couldn't they anticipate the demand?
Oh, well. The team dunces, each one a shivering mess, can just stand there for a while. . If these macho guys could see themselves now. But maybe they will - there's a photographer from the school paper, taking pictures!
Can you imagine the embarrassment? They're standing there, open-mouthed - the big dumb jocks looking dumbfounded. I'll bet they'll study really hard for their next test. But what they need right now is a bath.
What's that! Their coaches are going to give them one! Conrad and Bradley are using their paddles to herd the boys back into the vat. They don't want to go, but they're going.
There they are, shouting with cold, splashing frantically in the icy water. Most are swearing again - and the coaches are going to paddle them for it!
[Sounds of vigorous paddling and cries are heard in the background.]
And now the boys who let their dunce caps slip are getting paddled! They're all getting paddled! Those little butts must be dry by now! And the crowd is eating this up!
********************************************
The carnival has been a huge success! I don't know how much money was made on the dunking booth and the egg-toss alone. And I've just been told that the faculty plans the same events for the spring fund-raising drive, and that Coaches Conrad and Bradley have volunteered their football boys again. We'll once again provide you with live coverage when the good times roll in a few months. I just wonder if these boys will be thawed out by then. I mean, I know their butts will be, but as for the rest of them...