THIS "LETTER" IS FANTASY FICTION FOR ADULT ENJOYMENT. ABUSE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE.
Dear Dads,
A number of you have written to me following my previous advice.
I had not intended to write again, but I will respond this last time. I will not make any further public responses.
I have been asked a number of very different questions which I will not summarise in detail here. I had thought most of these had been answered in previous letters, but I will rework these answers here:
(1) You must stay within the law of your national or state jurisdiction. If you don't like the law, campaign for its change, but do not break the law. Your boy will not be well-served if you end up in a penitentiary, or all your children are removed from your home by welfare workers. Your boy will also not be well-served if you demand that he keeps your law-breaking secret: this is unkind, undemocratic and unacceptable.
(2) If you are within a jurisdiction forbidding all corporal punishment of minors, you can still apply measures which use embarrassment as a corrective tool. I am not going to spell these out, for fear of it being suggested that I am advocating "emotional abuse" which I am not. I am suggesting that, just sometimes, it can be useful to treat older boys whose behaviour is childish in a way which would be appropriate for a small child.
(3) Many of you will be in jurisdictions where the law on corporal punishment for minors is complex or ambiguous. Here again, the rule is, err on the side of caution: stay well within the law. Very few jurisdictions will prevent you from hand spanking your boys over underwear, or even bare butt, provided your punishment is proportionate to the offence and does not cause bruising.
(4) Some of you will be in jurisdictions where there is really no problem about corporal punishment. In some jurisdictions, boys still receive school or even judicial corporal punishment. Here, I think, the issue is rather different: I would want to encourage you to use your power wisely and not to be excessively severe or humiliating.
(5) All punishment only works within an atmosphere of family love. If punishment is only about your needs, you are being selfish and not acting as a parent should. Of course, there is a valuable function for physical punishment in helping you say goodbye to your anger, but it is not there primarily as an indulgence or entertainment for you.
(6) As I have tried to suggest in previous letters, I think that, above the age of 10 or 11, you are best to negotiate with your boy whether he would prefer physical or other forms of punishment. Respects his choices and his body. Re-negotiate periodically, particularly around 13/14.
(7) Don't look for small reasons to punish. Do look for small reasons to reward. Rewards are effective, even if the reward is simply praise.
(8) Not all boys gain from physical punishment, which is best reserved for boys who do not respond to other methods. Physical punishment should be your last port of call after other methods have been tried.
(9) Do not physically punish by punching or slapping across the head or upper torso. Buttocks are best - and safest.
(10)As you know, I advocate embarrassment over against severe pain. Do not confuse embarrassment with humiliation. Humiliation can do lasting damage to boys. Embarrassment can be initially achieved simply by spanking on the seat of the pants in the family room. You only need to escalate the response if that no longer works. Then, maybe, you look at pants down, or bare butt, but the latter is really best in the privacy of the bedroom where dignity can be a little protected. Only with the most protracted or severe misbehaviour should you look at naked punishment, or the presence of an embarrassing witness.
(11)If a form of punishment isn't working, you may need to choose a more extreme form, but you may also need not to use physical punishment at all, ever. Talk to your boy about this, see what he thinks.
(12)Don't get too worried - or involved - if your boy shows _s_e_x_ual excitement in a punishment. It does not at all necessarily mean he is enjoying it. Boys do not find it difficult to get erections in all kinds of circumstances. Ignore it.
In summary: physical punishment is a strategy of last resort with boys; negotiation, above the level of age 10/11, is paramount; distinguish embarrassment from humiliation; always do whatever is necessary to stay in control of your son. ABOVE ALL, NEVER BREAK THE LAW.
xxxxx xxxxx