Okay. I know this is not Creative Writing 101 here but hey! That title got your attention, didn't it? I was GOING to call it "IF LOOKS COULD KILL or A BUTT TO DIE FOR" so I just kind of merged the two titles.
Anyway it's a true story. On a trip to New Orleans last winter, attending a conference of the ministerial association, I had the great pleasure to find myself in a swank gay brothel in the Quarter. I'd never been anywhere near such a place before. There are not exactly gay brothels on every corner, here in Des Moines! Anyway - I took the same dose of valium that usually precedes my weekly sermons and headed through the door I'd been told about.
There was a nicely decorated waiting room, with a reception desk manned by a polite young guy. Frankly he was not exactly Keanu Reeves and my heart sank that this rare experience I was about to have might NOT be all that great. I was wrong.
It amazed me how well organized this place was. The boy at the desk - his name was Jacque; he had on a nametag - asked me in a low discreet voice if I'd ever been there before. When I replied that I had not, he handed me a clipboard with a survey form to fill out. I felt like I was in a doctor's office waiting room although no one asked for my insurance card!
I'm afraid I probably turned bright red as I filled out the form. There was a list of "interests" that you were supposed to mark, much as you might mark the list of medical conditions on a doctor's form. Some of them I must admit went over MY head (or under my balls!) What IS fisting? And "water sports?"
Anyway - I scanned down it checking a couple of things I had done before to some degree of satisfaction. Then I suddenly stopped.
"Spanking"
There it was. In black and white. I read that and my born again _c_o_c_k_ jumped to attention. SPANKING!
Now, I'd never tried spanking, in fact, I thought my fantasy interest in spanking was some kind of rare disorder. I looked about the waiting room furtively. No one was paying any attention to me. I checked "spanking" and after a moment's thought, put an exclamation mark after the checkmark.
When I finished filling out the form, I got up to give it to Jacque. I was a little embarrassed with my erection but doubt that I needed to be in that particular place. He took the clipboard and removed the form. After looking it over, he pulled open a drawer in the desk and pulled out a second form, attaching it to the clipboard.
"Mr. Laughton?"
I had that momentary lack of recognition at the pseudonym I'd chosen and then did a doubletake. Jacque looked totally nonplussed at my obvious reaction.
"We need you to fill this out now."
I looked at the form. It was headed "Spanking Preferences!" My voice broke as I said "Okay, Jacque" and sat back down.
The list on THAT form started out with "prefer to give," "prefer to receive" and "like it both ways!" Well, I knew my preference THERE! I checked "prefer to give."
Then there was a section "Stages of Undress." I don't remember exactly how this part was worded. It included all sorts of things, like whether you preferred starting with clothing (and it gave you degrees of formality), gradually baring the butt; what type of underwear you liked (white briefs!!!); even WHO did the undressing, the spanker or the spanked! Well - I dealt with each of those issues.
Next up was "Boy Preferences" with age ranges, hair colors, smoothness or hairiness, plumpness or skinniness, etc. etc. etc. I must admit if I'd had that clipboard home in the rectory, I could have cast my seeds to the wind, just reading the questions!
Then from there it went on to "Implements and Degrees." I had to specify whether I wanted to spank bare-handed, with a stick, a ruler, a paddle - well, there was a long list which went all the way to "steel rod!" No thank you! I marked "bare-handed" and then chewing the end of a pen a moment, added "ruler."
The "Degrees" section read like a Mexican restaurant salsa list: "mild," "moderate," and "hot," but it went on to some terms that don't readily apply to salsa: "pink," "red," "striped," even "bleeding!" I kid you not, "bleeding!" Well - I certainly did NOT want to go THAT far! And I was beginning to feel as if there would be no spontaneous interaction between me and the boy at all! I didn't want it like THAT!
That section was followed by a "Fantasy Scenario" checklist with everything from "angry doctor with young patient" to "birthday boy gets his!"
Finally there were a whole bunch of questions about _s_e_x_. Did I want _s_e_x_ after the spanking? Jeez! What had I come here for, anyway? Of COURSE I wanted _s_e_x_! And then the list of kinds of _s_e_x_. I marked "oral," and gave the board back to Jacque. He set it down and began clicking away at a keyboard. Yes! They had this whole operation computerized!
Finally one of his keystrokes was followed by the sound of a printer whirring and he soon handed me a "bill."
"These are your charges, Mr. Laughton. You are not required to continue, if you feel they are too high."
The bill was itemized - with small charges for each item I had checked on the form. Then at the end under "Service Charge" there was a $50 addition to the total, bringing it to $128! Plus tax! It was more than I had imagined I would be spending but then I was going to get more than I imagined, so I began counting out bills.
Jacque in turn counted them and put them in the cash register.
"Please come this way, Sir," he said, taking me through a door into a short hallway. "First you'll select your boy."