Ahhhh...taking a break from the beast known as the "I, Babysitter Saga." It's been awhile since I have done one of these type of stories. They are so much fun to do! If you are thinking you might want to try your hand at it sometime, there are plenty of terrific examples over at "Eric Blyton's" archive in MMSA Stories.
(I'm partial to his TARZAN stories!!)
Naturally, this is a work of fiction. None of this ever happened...none of this would happen...none of it will happen...none of these people are suppose to be thought of as real...none of these people in this story exist, even if they might share names with individuals alive or dead.
Please enjoy!
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"I see – I see dead people."
When the writer of those words, wrote those words, he envisioned an emotional apex of his story. Up until that moment, no one is sure what is wrong with the young hero. Up until then, the viewers may have suspicions about what Cole is seeing, but it isn't until those words are spoken that the audience knows for certain that the kid is truly trapped in a hell on earth.
"I see – I see dead people."
When the producers first read those words on paper, they saw their entire ad campaign tumble out before them. THIS WAS HIGH CONCEPT AT IT'S BEST, BABY!!! Who cares if they give away a big surprise? There were others that followed; surprises that make THE CRYING GAME look weak by comparison. They could let this one outt of the bag. It is one line that would get the people in the Movie Theater that summer, and that's all the marketing really cared about – getting butts in seats.
"I see – I see dead PEOPLES."
"CUT!" The director screamed.
When the director heard that one crucial line mangled for the twenty-seventh time in a row, he about saw his entire future in Hollywood go up in smoke. Of course, he was also the writer of that line, so seeing it messed up take after take after every miserable take drove him even further up the wall. He had been warned by two of the producers (Kathleen Kennedy and Frank Marshall) that he should expect to burn a lot of film working with child actors, but he was too close to this to NOT take it personally!
Back in India he never had to deal with a precocious brats who thought they knew how to say the line better than the man who wrote it did.
"It's not 'peoples,'" M. Night Shyamalan said. "It's 'people.' That is the plural, not...."
"I know that, rag-head," Haley snapped back. "Don't think that I don't know how it's written. I'm just improving it."
"Improving it?" Shyamalan was almost in tears he was so angry. "How could you be improving it, by-by saying it wrong?"
"Cole is scared, so Cole talks like that when he is nervous," Haley said, sitting back in the bed, putting his arms behind his head. "It's what Cole would do."
"No....no it is not," the creator of the character "Cole" said, reminding the snotty child star that he is NOT "Cole."
"KISS MY ASS!" Haley invited. "I know that. But I also think I know Cole better than you do at the moment!!"
"Just....say the line the way I wrote them!"
"I will say it MY way, or else I'm walking."
Mr. Shyamalan shook his head, thinking that maybe when they loop the film later they can fix the audio on this one scene....this one, crucial and important scene.
"Fine," the writer and director said, before adding under his breath, "No wonder Lucas didn't want you for STAR WARS."
"I heard that!" Haley snapped.
Shyamalan sighed. "I didn't mean anything....just....let's do it...."
"QUIET ON THE SET...."
Bruce walked back over to hit his mark. He had stepped aside to see if things could work themselves out. If they didn't, he knew what he would need to do.
"READY....SPEED....!"
"Wait!" Haley raised his arms up.
"CUT!!!!" M. Night Shyamalan was about ready to have a stroke.
"What is my motivation?" the child asked.
"Your motivation?" Shyamalan asked, confused.
"What do you mean?" Mr. Willis asked walking closer to the bed.
"You know....what is my motivation in this scene?" Haley asked. "I mean, I am crying about something, what am I crying about? Wouldn't I be thrilled to see dead people? I know most kids my age would, and I'm pretty sure Cole would."
"I thought it was peoples?" Bruce said with a smile.
"Kiss my ass," Haley said, grimacing at Bruce.
"We don't have time for this nonsense, kid," Bruce said, looking to Sam Mercer, one of the other producers. "Where are his folks?"
Sam shrugged.
"They went to Hawaii for the weekend," Hayley mumbled. "Spending up all of my MURPHY BROWN money."
"Well, I am sorry to hear about that," Bruce said. "Personally, my wife is out screwing Ving Rhames in Tahoe, spending up all of my PLANET HOLLYWOOD money. Life's a bitch sometimes."
"What?"
"Nevermind, just cry."
"I can't just CRY for no good reason, you big oaf!" Haley yelled. "Just because your idea of being a method actor is blowing up a building, doesn't mean that some of us aren't professionals!"
"We don't have time for this idiocy, Haley," Bruce said. "The longer it takes to get this one shot in the can, the more and more money goes up in smoke."
"Oh, look whose suddenly concerned about the budget, Mr. Forty Million Dollars!" the young boy snapped. "If you really cared about that, you might go for scale like the rest of us REAL ACTORS!"
"That's it!" Bruce stood up. "If you want motivation to cry...." Bruce picked Hayley up from under the covers, and turned him around. "I'll give you your motivation to cry!"
"Hey, what are you doing?" Haley yelled in a commanding, bratty tone.
"Something that should have happened a long time ago," Bruce said, sitting on the edge of the bed, keeping a firm grasp to the child.
"You – you can't do this!" the 10 year old screamed, to the great amusement of most everyone on the set.
"Obviously you never read my contract," Bruce said, bringing the child closer to him. "Because if you had, you would have noticed that I can do this."
"What?!"
This was true!
One of those little known facts about Hollywood is that ever since the second LOOK WHOSE TALKING movie, Bruce Willis has had in his contract that he is allowed to spank anyone on the set.
He got this idea from Robert Butler, an old timer who use to direct episodes of "Moonlighting." Mr. Butler and Bruce would go out drinking from time to time, and Robert would tell Bruce that was how they got unruly children in line back in the days of black and white television. This fascinated Bruce, who confirmed with former child star, Jackie Cooper, and even found out that it was actually much worse before TV. Jackie told him that he was even paddled naked on the set of THE OUR GANG comedies!
Bruce took this one step further – no one was safe from his wrath. From the director, to the writer, to the sound person, to both his male and female costars, and naturally to any obnoxious kid. On a Bruce Willis movie, Bruce Willis had firm control of everything.
"What?!" Haley yelled. "I-I should have known that! SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME BEFORE!!!"
"Exactly what Elijah Wood said on the set of NORTH," Bruce snickered.
"Shyamalan!" Haley cried out, as his chuckling costar undid his belt, and began to loosen his pants. "PLEEEASE! MAKE HIM STOP!!!!"
"I'm sorry, Haley," the director said. "My hands are tied."
"NOOOO!" Haley moaned, as he suddenly realized his jeans were now around his ankles
"You know," Bruce said, putting his thumbs in the angry preteens's underpants. "Miko Hughes was much more cooperative when we did MERCURY RISING."
"Please! Please! Pleeeeeease, Mr. Willis!" Haley begged, grabbing a hold of his underwear, desperately trying to keep them from joining his jeans. "Don't do this! I promise I will get it right this time! I really, really, really will! Just give me a chance."
"Nope," Bruce said. "We don't have the time."
"Please! Really, I mean it!"
"We should have hired twins, you know, Sam," Bruce said, ignoring the almost hyperventilating child. "Twins are so much easier to work with. That way we won't have to worry about this four hour film day bull _s_h_i_t_."
"I swear....please...."
The executive producer laughed. "Tom swore that this kid was easy to work with," he said, throwing his arms in the air. "Who knew he'd be such a panty-waste!"
"Oh, god....please....no....!"
"PAH! What the hell does Hanks know?"
"Please....please....ooohhh!...." Haley was really trying hard to wiggle away from his tormentor.
"Bruce," yet another producer, Barry Mendel, laughed, as they all seemed oblivious to Haley's pleading. "The man has only one two Oscars!"
"Please....please...."
"Well, Tom Hanks can suck my left testicle," Bruce growled. "He still owes me $10,000 from a bet we made while making BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES."
"Please....don't do it here....don't do it bare....!"
Bruce then looked into Haley's eyes and didn't say a word. He just smiled.
Haley stopped his pathetic wimpering for a moment, and smiled back....did this mean that....?
"WOOOO-OOOH!"
And with that, down they came.
"Noooooooooooooo!" Haley whined, as he suddenly realized his naked body was on display for all.
"Come on, boy," Bruce said, yanking both jeans and underpants all the way off. "You won't be needing these."
Haley was already crying up a storm, and Bruce's big, hairy hand hadn't even connected once. Everyone on the set came out to look. Some were embarrassed, but others couldn't wait to see the prodigy finally get what was coming to him.
"About bloody time," Toni said, as she walked onto the set. "If this had been in Melbourne, that little nipper would have been hided long ago!"
Bruce let Haley keep his nightshirt on, since he would still need that for the scene. His pants and underpants was another story, as Bruce handed them to costume, Joanna Johnston. "Take these to his trailer."
That was all right with Ms. Johnston, who didn't want to be there to witness this. "Fine," she mumbled.
She was maybe the only one on the set who didn't relish the idea of Haley getting his fanny tanned, having worked with him on FORREST GUMP years earlier. She knew he deserved it for how horrible he acted, but she thought it was shameful that Mr. Willis didn't take the boy to the dressing rooms and do this business in private.
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!"
Ms. Johnston would still be in earshot when Bruce delivered the first, searing spank onto young Haley Joel Osment's naked bum. She quickened her pace so she wouldn't have to hear much more....
SPANK!
"OOOOH!"
SPANK! SPANK! "This ain't nothing, kid," Bruce said. SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "There is plenty more where...." SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "....that came from!" SPANK! SPANK!
SPANK!
"OOOH HOOOOO!!!!"
SPANK!
"PLEASE....!"
SPANK!
"....SIR!!"
SPANK!
Haley wasn't use to this kid of attention.
SPANK! SPANK!
He twisted and turned and bucked and bucked his bare midsection.
SPANK! SPANK!
It wouldhave surprised no one to learn that this was his first spanking.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"OOOOH! HOOOO!!!OOOOOH!!!OOOOOOH!!!!!"
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"Let it all out, kid," Bruce said, bringing his beefy hand down fast and hard.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"OOOOH!! HOOOO!! NOOOO!! NOOOOOO!!!!"
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"Tell everyone how unfair this all is," Bruce laughed, not slipping on his pace one bit.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
Haley's body began to violently twist in an effort to free himself.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"You aren't going anywhere," Bruce said. "So, just chill out!"
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "P-P-PLEEEEEEAAAASE!!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "OOOOH! IT HURTS! IT-IT-IT HURTS!!!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "I-I-I- PR-PROMISE TO B-B-BE GOOOOOD!!!" SPANK! SPANK! "OOOOOOH!!!! NOOOOO!!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
Even though Bruce never laid a hand on his daughters, he knew what to do with a naked bottom.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"OOOOH!!! NOOOOO!!!"
SPANK! SPANK!
Especially one belonging to a naughty, crying boy!
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"OOOOH!!!!" Haley had stopped bucking his body, but his butt was still wiggling up a storm.
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"You are doing fine, Haley," Bruce said in a very reassuring tone to the sobbing child.
SPANK! SPANK!
That hand....that evil, evil hand!
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
Haley was certain that this burning inferno on his exposed flesh would never go away!
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! SPANK!
"OOOOOH!!!! NOOOOOOO! NOOO"
SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "There you go!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "OOOH! NNOOOO-OOOF!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "You are doing such a good job, Hayley!" SPANK! SPANK! "PLEEEEEEE.....!" SPANK! SPANK! SPANK! "I am so proud of you!" SPANK! SPANK!
Haley was now reduced to the incoherent babbling that spanked boys always make if their bottoms have been taken proper care of.
SPANK!
"We...."
SPANK!
"....are...."
SPANK!
"....done," Bruce said, before delivering the final hard and heavy blow.
SPANK!
When it was over, Bruce rotated the kid around and held him to his chest. There was applause from the entire set, but neither Bruce nor Haley seemed to notice as they held on to each other. After about twenty minutes of deep, heavy sobbing in Bruce's arms, the crew had gotten everything ready to try and shoot the scene again.
"Are you ready?" Bruce asked.
"Yes sir," Haley said, sniffling.
"Ok," Bruce said, tenderly, as he gingerly put the kid under the covers. Bruce then went over to the side of the bed and hit his mark. This was going to be a two-camera shoot – both actors would be acting to each other as much as they were acting to the cameras.
"Ready....speed...." Andrew Mondshein, the second unit director said, as the set got eerily quiet.
"ACTION!"
"I see....I see DEAD PEOPLE!" Hayley convincingly sniveled.
"Cut....PRINT!" Mr. Shyamalan yelled. "That's a wrap!"
The set burst into applause for the second time that day.
"How was I?" Haley asked Bruce quietly.
"Perfect!" Bruce said, picking the kid up from under the covers. "Better than perfect!"
"Really?"
"You had it," Bruce winked, as he hugged the boy. "I knew you did."
"Thanks," Haley whispered.
The man wiped away a stray tear. "Anytime, my friend," Bruce said, before lifting the child over his back and onto his shoulders. "Here, I'll give you a piggy back ride to your trailer, ok?"
"Ahhh, sure," Haley said, trying to get the back of the nightshirt to cover his exposed, rosey cheeks. "But everyone can see my butt, Bruce."
"Won't be the first time today," Bruce laughed. "Beside, if you catch anyone staring too long, just tell them to KISS IT!"
Haley cracked up, and wrapped his arms around the big lug's head as they made their way off the set.
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Did I mention this was a work of fiction? Just checking...