It was next to impossible for me to shake the helpless image of Vincent tied up. I was both exited and horrified at seeing him like that. When I really thought about it, knowing that his grandparents actually tied up this young child and whipped him mercilessly with a belt, the anger inside me would grow and grow.
Then there would be the times that I would not think about it. I would just see that beautiful naked little boy with that red, flaming ass, and remember what it felt like to have such a vulnerable child to spank and spank, and I would lose myself. Almost every morning for the week following that, I would awake in a violent epileptic fit of sperm and sweat, with the fading image of Vincent tied up like a pig being taken to slaughter.
This was so much more worse than those nightmares / fantasies about being molested at the JC Penny public bathroom by a stranger. This was so much worse...
This had a real element, and the disgusting knowledge that I was also involved in the torture of this child. If only I had wanted to end this enough, I thought to myself. If only I had the guts to go to my father and tell him. I almost did, that Wednesday when he and I went out shopping for clothes, but I chickened out
The nightmare fantasies would continue. All I could do was wake up shaking, then brake down crying to myself. I needed to figure out a way to get me out of this, but at the same time I wanted the abuse Vincent was facing to end.
Friday night things came into more focus, as things came to a head between me and Gavin.
The occasion was me babysitting him while his folks went out to the Opera. His mother had been impressed enough with the way I had diapered her preteen boy, she decided that I could be trusted to watch him at night (never mind that I had been babysitting him for months and months during the day!)
When I arrived, Mrs. Snyder told me that Gavin would have to be diapered before bed again - he had another accident Thursday night.
"Please make sure and diaper him up before eight," she said with my friend standing right there.
"Mom!" Gavin said, gasping. "That's too early!"
She shot him a look and then looked back at me. "He can stay up until midnight, and if he needs to be changed, I can trust that you can handle it, Matthew?"
"Yes, mam," I said as sincerely as I could - I had only really prepared myself with putting Gav in a diaper. I didn't really want to have to change him!
"MOM!" Gavin cried out again, somehow turning that word into three syllables. "That is so unfair."
"Not another word Gavin Michael, or I am going to let Matthew use the cloth diapers," she snapped.
Gavin looked like he was going to say something, but he stopped himself and simply pouted.
"I don't know where this attitude is coming from, young man," she said, "But it will end!" She then turned back to me and said, "Feel free to use the cloth diapers if he gives you any trouble, Matt."
"And if he disobeys you," Gavin's father said, walking in with his wife's coat, "Just let us know. He'll be wearing that thing to school all next week if he gives you ANY trouble!"
"Ahhhh, ok." I couldn't think of anything to say.
"Where's your sleeping bag?" Mrs. Snyder asked.
"I actually left it behind last week," I laughed. I was running so late to go to Vincent's on Sunday I forgot it and the Cal Ripken jersey.
"You should just keep it over here, then!" Mr. Snyder said, laughing. My skin just crawled.
And with that they left - not even giving giving their boy a hug or a kiss - they left.
"Man your folks and Vincent's grandparents make my Dad look like parent of the year," I said.
"This SUCKS!" he screamed. "I hate them SO MUCH! Why can't I come move in with you and your Dad?" he asked rhetorically.
"Hey, at least you have us across the street, dude," I reminded him. "You can always escape over there, no matter how evil they get." They did seem evil.
We went into the living room and he sat on the floor in front of the tv.
"I suppose," he muttered.
"So, what's the deal with the cloth diaper?" I had to ask. "Why is that such a punishment? I thought you said that it was actually more comfortable than the plastic ones?"
"It is," he said, not looking at me. "It's not the diaper so much as it's...well...it's you."
"Me?" I was surprised by the answer.
"Before last Saturday," he said, turning to look at me. "Had you ever diapered anyone before?"
"Ahhh...no."
He nodded his head, as if he knew the answer. "Not even a little baby?"
"Nope."
"Well, the odds are pretty good that if you have to put me in a cloth diaper," he said, continuing, "I am going to get my ass and thighs stuck with those _d_a_m_n_ safety pins."
I laughed. "You don't know that!"
"It's more of a hunch I don't want to have to be subjected to," he said. "Come on, let's play some Playstation!"
I hopped down next to him and messed up his hair.
"So," I said, "You ever going to tell me the history of you being diapered, dude?"
"Not much really to say," he said, getting the game ready. "About seven years ago, they were tired of me wetting the bed and Mom was convinced I was doing it on purpose because she had gone back to work."
"You're kidding!" I was shocked. "But she's a nurse! She has to know that you can't control something like that!"
"I know that, and you know that, and I am sure she knows that, but it was her easy way to deal with it." He turned the game on. "Parenting by numbers."
"Amazing," I said. "I don't know what to say."
"There's not much to say. She's a freaking bitch, and Dad...well...let's just say that he's of the mind set of 'Don't Ask - Please To God Don't Tell." I don't think I had seen my friend this angry - not even with the video game the week earlier.
"Real piece of work."
"He doesn't really care about me," Gavin said, as we began to play. "Your Dad is more of a father to me than he is."
I didn't say anything - once again I was reminded about Vince and his horrific situation.
"What's the deal with the British kid?" Gavin asked out of nowhere, as if he was reading my mind.
"Nothing," I said, defensively - how did he know I was thinking of Vincent? "Why did you ask?"
"You said a couple of times there are some pretty big things going down," he said, as he then bit his lip. "You going to tell me?"
"I thought you said that it was ok if I kept Vincent's secrets?" I reminded him.
"I lied."
I laughed, but he didn't. I decided to give him a general answer: "I am just upset over the situation, and don't really think it's fair to be expected to have to spank him every week."
"Have you told them?"
"Well, no, I haven't," I said, trying to think of a new direction to steer this conversation. "I was thinking of just quitting."
"You can't do that."
"Why?"
"That would be the pussy way out. Don't be a pussy, Matty," he said. "Be a man."
"A man, huh?" This advice coming from an 11 year old elementary school student.
"You should say something. You should tell them that you think it's wrong that they spank him once a week, and that you also think it's unfair that you are expected to spank him too."
I didn't say anything. I couldn't believe it - Gavin's advice made sense. How the hell did that happen?
"I could help you better if you told me what it was?"
"What what was?"
"What was up with Vince?"
"Dude...I mean it."
"I mean, I am just saying that you look like you need to talk with someone."
"And what if I did?"
"You can talk to me. You said so yourself."
"No I said that YOU could talk to me."
"Ha-ha...same thing."
"Well, this is tough, because you and Vince are good friends."
"Not that good."
"What does that mean? I thought he was your best friend?"
"No, you're my best friend."
"I meant after me," I laughed.
"Maybe."
"But aren't you one of HIS best friends?"
"Dunno...I think he likes Donnie Ward better, and Lee, of course."
"What does that mean?"
Vince smiled and looked to me for a second. "I'll tell you what I know if you tell me what you know?"
"Not a chance! I'm not going to fall for that rubbish."
"Oh, come on, Matt!"
"NO! And that is FINAL!"
We played pretty much in silence from then for about an hour and a half. I could tell Gavin was still steamed about his parents and about me not telling him specifics about Vincent - me kicking his ass on Dino Hunter wasn't helping any either. If I had been a smarter boy I would have seen the blind rage coming!
"I think we've had enough of this," Gavin said, throwing the Playstation down.
"Oh, come on, you big baby," I said with a chuckle.
"Don't call me baby!" he snarled.
"Well, if the DIAPER FITS!" I teased.
"You forget I can spank you whenever I want to."
Actually, that was something I was doubting I could ever forget. "You can only do that when I've been bad."
"Well, you are teasing me right now for loosing...that's being bad!" he yelled. "Remember Eric's house and the pool!"
Something ELSE I could never forget, even if I wanted to. "Listen, I am not teasing you for loosing. I was just having fun, trying to put you in a better mood. Sheesh. Get over yourself, kid."
"And for lying!" he accused.
"Lying? How have I lied?!"
"By saying you weren't TEASING ME!"
Oh god...I had suddenly fallen into a bad Abbott and Costello routine.
"I wasn't teasing you, Gavin," I insisted.
"I think you deserve a spanking."
"What? I do not!" The humor in this exchange, whatever might have been there, was now gone.
"For teasing, for lying, and for being uncooperative," he said, standing up and glaring at me.
"What the _f_u_c_k_?" I mumbled, shaking my head. "This makes no sense."
"And for cussing!"
"I was not...oh, never mind. I'm not going to take a spanking. You are being silly, dude."
"You think this is silly?!"
"Yes! You are just upset because of your folks and because I wouldn't tell you about Vince!"
"That's bull!"
"It is not! What IS bull is saying that you are going to spank me for cussing and for lying...two things you have done plenty this evening!"
"When did I lie?"
"What did you just say a couple of hours ago about Vincent?"
"You are still getting a spanking!" the very agitated little boy said, pointing his finger at me.
"I am NOT!"
"Should I call your father?" he said, in a very challenging tone. "I'm sure he can help fix this."
"Gavin, this isn't funny!"
"I'm not laughing."
"You are just pissed because your folks are jerks and you are upset I won't tell you what's up with Vince," I said, pointing back. "Just take in a deep breath, and realize that you are W-R-O-N-G!"
"And you are arguing with me!" he said, throwing his arms in the air. "You really don't know when to stop."
"Gavin, have I not been fair about this arrangement?"
"I'm calling your Dad!"
"Have I not been the one to tell you to spank me when I needed it?"
"I should have done this long ago."
"Gavin, please!" I had run out of arguments. He was simply not listening!
"Is he home, or is on a date with that new girlfriend of his?" he asked, picking up the phone.
"FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!" I screamed.
"I better go ahead and call his cell phone just to be on the safe side.
"This is not something I deserve to be spanked over!"
"Then you won't mind if I call then?" he asked, as he began to dial the phone. "Just to double check."
I just looked at him. My little, blond tormentor. I really didn't mind being spanked if I deserved it - well, I guess I did, but this was different! - this, this was so unfair. I suddenly found myself crying! I couldn't believe that I was already crying! This never happens!! It's been years since I would burst into tears at just the mention that I was to be spanked.
"Pl-pl-please, Gavin!" I said, trying to stop myself. "Don't do-do this!"
Gavin hung up the phone and crossed his arms. "Spare me the pity party! You know that _s_h_i_t_ don't fly here," Gavin said, quoting Dad word for _f_u_c_k_ing word! Oh, this little punk scared me!
I started breathing heavily, alternating between anger and fear.
"Ok...ok then," I said, looking up at the clock. "But it's past eight."
"So?"
"So, you need to be ready for bed," I said, drying my tears, as a plan began to hatch in my head.
"I can get ready for bed after I beat your ass."
"No, you need to get ready before." If I'm going to get spanked, I'm going to make sure it's actually for something I did and not for something I didn't do.
"Why?"
"I won't be able to diaper you if I'm crying and upset," I said nonchalantly, now fully calm (that may have been the fastest calming down I have ever done!). "Come on, let's get this over with, so you can get on with ... with my spanking."