I. The Paddle and the Pillory
Through a most unlucky incident,
Two men ran afoul of the Crown;
And now one was to be spanked
in the Stocks,
In front of all the town.
The punishment
was fixed next day,
Upon the hour of noon,
He sat in the jail
with jeers and taunts
About what would be happening soon.
His
friend and comrade undertook,
To prevent this, all he could;
But none of his endeavors
Could achieve the slightest good.
The
Sheriff, he sat a-chatting there
Before the prisoner's cell,
A-sanding down his paddle,
With a grin as wide as Hell.
Outside
the musty prison,
Where the condemned man sat forlorn,
Men
were putting up a little stage
For use upon the morn!
News
of a public spanking, now
In those parts brought delight;
And families drove from far and near
To glimpse the shocking sight.
And
so the market square next day
Was filled with hoots and shouts,
All about the wooden scaffold
Where such things were carried out.
The
Pillory stood ready,
And the gathered folk espied
The ominous
wooden paddle Hanging patiently beside!
Then came the jolly
Ooser out,
To prod and goad the throng
And make the public
sentiment
Against the prisoner strong:
For it was his solemn
duty
To drum crowds up for the fun,
And whip them up with
eagerness
To see justice be done!
He amplified the man's
offense,
And how he had aggrieved,
With the honor of the town
besmirched
From the insult they'd received!
For brawling
with the deputy
The man would be made to pay
With an embarrassing
lesson
And be taught his place this day!
They brought the
prisoner out at twelve
The angry mob to see,
And they marched
him in his underpants
Before their cries of glee!
He stood
for public punishment,
So ashamed, he nearly cried;
As the
Sheriff got the Paddle,
And the Pillory opened wide;
And
as they took his britches down,
Boisterous guffaws galore
Rose as his thick and hefty tool
Sprang sprightly to the fore!
They
put him in the Pillory then,
And clapped him in the Stocks,
And fixed his feet securely there
Betwixt the wooden blocks;
Adjusting
the contraption,
So the occupant must bend,
They prepared
to administer history's
Finest punishment for men:
The deep
humiliation
Of confinement in the slots,
And the stinging
shame of fifty
Painful, public paddle swats!
WWHHACK!! the
Sheriff's trusty tool
Rang in the market square!
And WWHHACK!!
Again the smoothly sanded
Paddle smacked him bare!
He gasped
and clenched, his eyes bugged out,
As soon all saw defined
Two redly branded paddle swats
Upon his bare behind!
Then
WWHHACK!! the angry Board
Of Education taught its lesson,
And the big man began to holler
At the paddlin' he was a-gettin'!
They
watched with satisfaction
As the Sheriff spanked with vigor,
And saw that the prisoner was punished
To the full extent of legal
rigor!
Twenty-three, twenty-four, twenty-fifve!
The Paddle
had the good ol' sting,
As the determined lawman applied it
With a swift, determined swing!
The prisoner's buddy hid his
head
To escape the hearty yells,
And behold, upon his countenance,
A comradely tear there wells!
Thirty-four, thirty-five, thirty-six!
The man in stocks began to bawl,
With his britches at his knees,
And getting spanked before them all!
And WWHHACK!! WWHHACK!!
WWHHACK!!
The explosive Crack! was awful;
The Sheriff made
the prisoner's
Sorry butt look like a waffle!
His fanny
was as scarlet
As a darkly reddening rose
As angry tears ran
down his cheeks
And snot ran from his nose!
With fifty done,
they raised a cheer
And released him from the Stocks,
And
his buddy helped to liberate
His ankles from the blocks.
He
helps to get his britches up
Amid the gasps and tears
And
wraps him in a cloak to shield him
From the townsfolk's leers.
But
wait, these two the authorities
Will not as yet unhand;
And
the two get handed over
To a rowdy, raucous band!
For at
the abandoned mill-pond,
Clogged with filthy muck and gunge,
The ducking-stool stands ready,
For a most instructive plunge!
The
men are hurried thither now,
With whoops and cries of glee,
With many hastening after thence,
This spectacle to see!
For
the scofflaw with the hot behind,
Tar and feathers are prepared;
And as for his staunch companion,
This time, punishment shall
not be spared!
They plant the dunce cap on his head,
And
for revenge so sweet,
They haul him to the ducking-stool,
To pants him for the Seat!
Thus, as one is tarred and feathered,
With eager townsmen at the job,
The other gets the ducking stool
Before the angry mob!
Bare bottom on the plunging seat,
His burning ears afire,
'Tis public humiliation
In the thick
and gurgling mire!
They ride the two men on a rail
Out to
the edge of town
And have yet a fond farewell to bid
As soon
as they're set down:
For switches, whips and paddles
Line
the gauntlet they must run,
And as the lads high-tail it out of
town
The townfolk have their fun!
Now the fellows make a
bee-line
Bare and naked as a jay;
As the townsmen swat their
fannies
To ensure they don't delay!
So have a care, you
strong young bucks
Who brawl: don't botch the job,
Or you
might get put in the Stocks,
And get paddled in front of a mob!
2.
The Booby Prize
The pants are down,
The Board is hot;
The price of his bet:
A public swat!
His opponent took him
To the village green,
Where the settlin' up
In detail would
be seen.
A friendly police officer,
As they'd agreed,
Drove to the location,
To do the deed.
The paddle in hand,
And a glint in his eyes,
He stood by to administer
The Booby
Prize!
A curse on the taverns
Where bar bets are made,
For in sobering daylight--
They soon must be paid!
With
a curious crowd
From far and near,
The _d_a_m_n_ wrestling
match
Would cost him dear.
Not just a swat;
But in front
of the town,
The public embarrassment
Would be hard to live
down.
Now with satisfaction his rival
Would stand by, as
stated,
To watch his opponent
Get humiliated!
It was
time to pay up.
He dropped his pants.
The burly policeman
Took his stance.
The lawman hauled back
And with a brief
oration,
He said, "Here comes...
The Board of Education!"
SWWWWWAAAATTTT!!!!
The
explosive sting
Of thick sanded pine
Loudly ignited
The
man's behind!
The paddle had landed
Square in the middle;
He thought he had sat down
On a hot griddle!
The roar of
laughter
Was something to hear
As his back-slapping buddies
All gawked at his rear.
"Ok, show's over!"
The officer said,
And shook hands with the fellow
Whose heine was red.
He
got his pants up,
And was off like a shot,
And not only smarting
From the sting of the swat!
He became a good wrestler,
And
although time flies,
He never forgot
That Booby Prize!