"_f_u_c_k_!"
Panic powered through me as smoke began pouring from the computer, "_f_u_c_k_ and thrice _f_u_c_k_!" I began wildly pulling at my hair, shrieking aloud like a foul mouthed soothsayer. "_f_u_c_k_ity _f_u_c_k_ing _f_u_c_k_! _f_u_c_k_ with an absolutely huge capital F." _f_u_c_k_, why couldn't I think of anything else to say but _f_u_c_k_? Then, as if smoke wasn't bad enough, sparks began to spray prettily from the wretched machine. My panic went into hyper drive. "Jesus, oh God, oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, this is bad, this is really bad. God give me a break. Who the hell is the patron saint of idiots who have just emptied a large mug of overly sweet coffee into the gubbings of their beloveds new computer? _f_u_c_k_!" I returned to my linguistic starting blocks, but refrained from pulling my hair out, concentrating on chewing my nails down to my elbows instead.
The smoke thickened, billowing into the room like a malevolent pantomime genie, only it had no intention of granting me three wishes. "Bastard, bollocks, buggeration and _s_h_i_t_!" I screamed at no one in particular, hopping from one foot to the other as small flames began to shoot from the upended metal tower. Why, why did these things always happen to me? I'm basically a nice person, kind to children, animals and Jehovah's Witnesses. I was close to tears when the idea hit me. A public safety film flashed before my eyes. Jack had made me watch it after setting fire to the kitchen for the third time in a month. I galloped into the bathroom and seized a towel, flinging it dramatically into the bath and turning the tap on. It worked for chip pan fires, why not computer fires?
Once the explosion was over it occurred to me that perhaps chucking a sopping wet towel on a live electrical gadget hadn't been the wisest of moves. Perhaps I should have pulled the plug first? The fire brigade certainly thought so.
"_f_u_c_k_!" That _f_u_c_k_ing word was haunting me. I gazed round the wreck of what had been Jack's study, those curtains would never be the same again, and wondered how I was going to get out of this one. Jack would kill me. I might as well just go and dig a hole in the garden and bury myself, save him the trouble.
His final words before leaving for work came back to torment me: Clean the kitchen, don't touch my new computer, don't lounge around drinking coffee all day, don't touch my new computer, make sure you finish those assignments you're late with. I mean it Danny, his brown eyes had surveyed me sternly. You're going to fail your exams if you don't buckle down and work. He pulled his jacket on and kissed me goodbye, by the way, he said as he opened the front door, don't touch my new computer.
I was scared, really scared. If this situation was a piece of green grocery, it would be a class one, top of the range, bursting with freshness, I bet you've never felt plums like that before madam, category. Jack would be really angry with me. I hated him being angry with me. Glancing at the clock I noticed it was four o clock, Jack would be home by half past five, six at the latest. Nowhere enough time to renovate the room and replace the computer so he wouldn't notice. Taking a deep, steadying breath and screwing up all my courage I picked up the telephone and did the only thing I could do in the circumstances. I ordered a taxi and buggered off to my sisters to lay low for a while, say ten years or so, until Jack cooled off.
Ally was, as ever, pleased to see me. "What have you done to push Jack's button this time," she asked, kissing me fondly.
"Nothing," I followed her through to the sitting room. "I just wanted to see you. I miss you."
"You saw me on Saturday Danny, I'm hardly elusive. You've got that I'm terrified because I've done something I shouldn't look about you." She grinned, "the same look you used to get when Den was after your blood."
I scowled, she can be a right bitch my sister.
"Uncle Danny! Uncle Danny!" Two human missiles, in the shape of my two and four year old niece and nephew, launched themselves at me. I gave myself up to the joys of unconditional adoration, obligingly hurling myself to the floor so they could use me as a trampoline.
"Where is Dennis by the way?" I emerged momentarily from a heap of toddlers.
"Don't worry, he's working," she smiled. "Come on," she whacked a Disney into the video which immediately drew the ankle biters attention. "Come into the kitchen and tell big sis all about it." She reached for my hand and pulled me to my feet, "God knows I could do with a laugh."
"Jack doesn't like me drinking this early in the day," I said virtuously as she handed me a large glass of wine.
"Den isn't overly keen, but as the bossy ones are not here to voice their disapproval, we'll go ahead anyway." She raised her glass, "this is doctor Alison Crane, I'm listening."
"It's not funny Al," I looked at her reproachfully as she wiped tears of laughter from her eyes.
"Sorry darling. How the hell did you manage to spill coffee inside a computer for God's sake? That's something else, even for you."
"I dunno," I said sheepishly, "it just sort of happened. The bloody CD wasn' t working properly so I put the computer on the floor, by the side of the desk, and tipped it forward to make sure the speakers were plugged in properly. Next thing I know my cup of coffee has done a kamikaze dive off the edge of the desk and all hell lets loose."
"Why didn't you unplug it straight off?"
I shrugged, "you know me, I did a corporal Jones, all but running up and down the room screaming, don't panic, don't panic, while doing just that." I put my wine down and leaned my head against my hand. "Jack always says I act first and think sometime in the future. He'll probably disown me over this."
Alison wrapped her arms tightly round me, "He loves you Danny, God help him, he really does. You'll weather this," she nuzzled my ear, whispering, "but I wouldn't plan on sitting comfortably anytime in the near future."
As I said, she can be a right bitch my sister. I glared at her sourly, "I'm sure you only ply me with drink so I reveal all my deep dark secrets to you."
"Yep," she giggled like a school girl. "Jack's good for you, just like Denny was."
I blew a raspberry at her, "sometimes I think my arse must have a target painted on it. Why else do people feel compelled to whack it? Are you sure Jack will forgive me?"
"Positive," she drained her glass and poured us both another, "you were meant for each other, a natural pairing; Jack/Daniel, like whisky and soda, get it?" She smirked.
"Very _f_u_c_k_ing droll I'm sure, you're a real comedienne, only don't give up the day job."
"Tsk, tsk, my boy," she pointed a stern finger at me. "You know how Jack hates you using profanities."
The phone rang and she staggered off to answer it. Drinking alcohol did nothing to improve Alison's precarious balance. I resisted the urge to offer to answer the phone for her, she'd only yell at me, I'm disabled darling, not incapable.
"Jack?"
She nodded, "wanted to know if you were here. He's on his way."
It seemed no time at all before the door bell sounded with a death like knell. I gulped and remained where I was, cowering in the kitchen, as Al went to answer it. I heard squeals of, "Uncle Jack," as the infants did their Cruise missile impression on him and their delighted giggles as he did what he always did, tucking each of them under a strong arm and swinging them round. Those strong arms would be put to a very different use later on if I knew Jack. My bottom cheeks clenched involuntarily sensing that they were soon to be toast.
Jack's brown eyes were like pools of frozen mud as he came into the kitchen and glowered at me. Obviously my disguise as a tea stain on the table hadn't quite come off. He pointed a loaded finger at me, "the car's on the drive. Get in it!" I opened my mouth. "Not one word little boy, not one," he barked. I closed my mouth and my buttocks clenched harder still.
"Don't be too cross Jack, you know you love him." Alison attempted to pour oil, "he doesn't mean to be..."
"He's a liability Alison," said Jack crisply, "and you shouldn't be plying him, or yourself with wine at this hour of the day. Dennis wouldn't approve."
"Stuff Dennis, he hasn't been asked to... ouch," she yelped as he whacked her jean clad bum, "oy, that hurt you swine."
I grinned, then gave a yelp of my own as he swatted me and said ominously, "wait until I get you home."
"Target practice night is it Jack my love?" Alison, despite her problem and the wine, danced nimbly out of the way of his hand. "You're incorrigible Alison. I'll be giving that husband of yours a few pointers on how to deal with you."
I risked a glance at Jack as we drove home. His expression, as far as I could see in the dim light, was stern, but considering the havoc I'd wreaked, he didn't look nearly as mad as I thought he'd be. My buttocks relaxed slightly, perhaps this wasn't going to be too bad after all. I risked an apology. "Sorry Jack, I really am sorry." It's a shame it was dark and he couldn't see the tears of contrition in my eyes.
"I should think so," he sounded slightly mollified. "How many times have I told you about going off somewhere without letting me know first? I phoned you at five to tell you that Tris is coming over this evening, and to make sure the place was tidy and to get something out of the freezer. Only you weren't there, and now we'll be rushed, and you know how I hate being rushed."
Alarm bells began to ring softly in my head. I slid further down in my seat as my buttocks attempted to leave my body and jump from the car. "So, you haven't actually been home yet Jack?"
"No, of course not," he said, somewhat irascibly, "I phoned Alison after I phoned you and came to get you straight from the office. No point wasting more time by going home if you weren't there."
OH _f_u_c_k_!