I have been rereading David Halberstam's excellent account of the Vietnam War, The Best and the Brightest. Halberstam's thesis is that the elite in the U. S. who made foreign policy after the Second World War drew on a common set of narrow assumptions and had a common set of blind spots which logically culminated in the neo-imperialist quagmire of Vietnam.
Early in the book, he describes John Kennedy's maneuvering in the run up to the 1960 presidential election. First, Kennedy had to woo the liberals in the Democratic party who distrusted his cool pragmatism and favored Adlai Stevenson. Then, once he gained the nomination, he had to persuade the country he was as much of a hawk as Richard Nixon. To achieve the latter objective, Kennedy's running mate Lyndon Johnson virulently attacked Fidel Castro, claiming that Eisenhower was pussyfooting about overthrowing him. Here's how Halberstam paraphrases one of Johnson's favorite stump speeches in the South: "First, he'd take that Castro fellow and wash him. (Cheers.) And then shave him. (Cheers.) And then spank him. (Wild cheers.)"(28-29).
The perv's variations on Johnson's speech are set later than 1960, around 1967 say, when Lyndon Johnson was president.
The Perv's Version
President Johnson strode up and down the Oval Office a broad grin on his face. This was one of the most wonderful days of his life. In the middle of this whole Vietnam mess and those _d_a_m_n_ed disloyal demonstrating college students, he had at last gained a foreign policy coup. The CIA had just informed him that they had Castro and three Cuban soldiers in a cell in the White House basement. Operation Freedom Cigar had succeeded.
There was a knock on the door. "Come in," cried out the president. J. Edgar Hoover entered. He was livid. The kidnapping triumph had been pulled off by the CIA, and if there was anyone Hoover hated more than the _d_a_m_n_ed Communists it was the _d_a_m_n_ed CIA. But Hoover had an idea to gain some points with the President.
"Yes, Hoover," said Johnson impatiently.
"Mr. President," said Hoover. "I've been looking at some of your stump speeches in 1960."
Johnson wriggled impatiently. He didn't like 1960 being brought up. It irked him that he should have gotten into the White House because of someone else's assassination. And then there had been all the humiliations from that smart ass, New England Kennedy bunch. And of course, that pissant Bobby Kennedy clearly had his eye on the White House in 1968. It was like those New England assholes thought they had a lease on the White House.
"Mr. President, one of your most popular speeches was about shaving and spanking Castro, if you remember. Think of how much popular support you will get from the silent majority in the country if they hear that you carried out that promise. That you literally shaved and spanked Castro."
Johnson gazed suspciously at Hoover. He had heard rumors about Hoover's perverse proclivities, dressing up in women's clothing with Clyde Tolson and so on. Reading the President's look accurately, Hoover scowled indignantly. That was sick. How could one compare the enjoyable pleasure of slipping into a little black number modelled on the dress that Jackie Kennedy had won at the inaugural ball to spanking another man? Disgusting!
"But wouldn't we be violating the Geneva Convention?" asked Johnson.
"Oh the American people don't care about international conventions, Mr. President. There are a number of members of the conservative silent majority who would welcome your spanking some of those whiney cry baby hippy demonstrators or some of those uppity nigras. . ." Hoover quickly stopped. He knew that Johnson unaccountably really cared about uppity nigras. Then he continued, "But spanking Castro would win you enormous popularity."
Stay tuned for the continuation of the story.