It was just starting to get warmer out and I was fooling around outside, just kind of hanging around the front of the house. Kitty, my sister, was reading on the porch. She was the first one to see the lady pull up and get out of her car. Then I sort of wandered down to the driveway. The lady looked nice, she was smiling and had a big bag, like the briefcase my dad used to carry. "Hi there honey," she said to me. "What's your name?"
"Jamie," I said automatically. Really it was James but most people called me Jamie back then. I had only been twelve a few months.
"Jamie," she said in a friendly voice. "Is your big brother home?"
"Which one?" I asked. I had two -- Riley technically was the one who took care of us. He was the oldest. And Steve. He took care of us too. He had already been living at home, going to college when my parents died. Riley moved back in to kind of take over, then, and look after me and Kitty, who was 17 and still in high school.
She looked at the notebook she held in one of her hands. "Um...Riley," she said, sort of stumbling over his name a little. "I need to speak with him."
"Okay." I turned back toward the house and started to yell his name -- he was inside doing some work. He worked partly from home so he could be there to watch us. But he was already coming out the door. He looked upset to see the friendly woman, which confused me.
"Ry, this lady wants to talk to you," I said politely. He just put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me back toward the porch.
"Catherine, take Jamie and get inside the house," he said. I'd never heard Riley use that tone to Kitty before and it scared me. He didn't sound mad, just really really serious. She grabbed me and hustled me inside.
Once we got in we both pressed up against the door trying to figure out what was going on.
"Who is that?" I asked her but she said she didn't know. I guess she could tell I was kind of freaked out because she put her arm around me. "Don't worry, Jaim. Riley will take care of it."
We stayed near the door pretty much eavesdropping, but it didn't matter since we couldn't hear anything anyway. The woman looked kind of official, like I said, and Riley looked really serious. That was all I could tell. We were so busy trying to overhear something that we barely had time to jump back from the door and act like we hadn't been trying to listen in when Riley came back to the house.
I was all worried he'd get mad at us for eavesdropping -- which is pretty rude, Riley would say and I guess he's right -- but he just threw open the door, stalked into the house and went straight into the kitchen. I wasn't sure what was going on. A minute or two later he came out again and the look on his face scared me. I guessed maybe he'd gone into the kitchen to calm down but from the look of him it hadn't been entirely successful. He marched out of the kitchen looking like he was charging across the football field again or something.
I automatically backed up against Kitty who put her hands on my shoulders. We were pressed up against the door and there wasn't anywhere else to go.
Riley grabbed my collar and pulled me toward him. I gave a little squeal (I'm kinda embarrassed to remember!) and I scrabbled reflexively at Kitty, who tried to move between us. "Come on, Ry..."
He ignored her.
"What the hell is the matter with you?" He hissed at me. "Cutting SCHOOL? Did you really think I wasn't going to find out about this? Huh?"
I just stared open-mouthed at him. I guess I really was pretty dumb at twelve because yes, that was exactly what I had thought. I didn't know anyone was going to find out.
"Hey." He shook me a little. "I'm talking to you, buddy. What were you thinking?"
"I...I don't know..." I stammered. I looked around helplessly waiting for Kitty to come to my aid. She was standing there looking as shocked as I must have. My stomach dropped into my shoes. I'd cut school a couple times recently, it was true. Well, it was probably more than a couple times. It was the usual dumb stuff: my friends were doing it, it was easier than showing up without homework, and frankly I was taking advantage of all the freedom we had. My brothers tried to look out for us, but it wasn't like they knew how to really snoop around and stuff like parents did.
"I'm not buying it, James!" he yelled. "You missed NINE DAYS this last month? Do you know how much school that is? You might have to stay back! Are you really that dumb you can't figure out this is a big deal?"
Tears filled my eyes. He'd never been this mad at me before.
"I'm sorry," I choked out. I hadn't meant for Riley to get so mad. I hadn't meant for him to hate me!
"That is NOT good enough," he snapped. "You are out of control and sneaking around and God knows what else and this is the end of it, do you hear me?" he yelled.
I shook a little in his grasp. Kitty was just standing there, _d_a_m_n_ her. I couldn't figure out why she didn't leap to my defense.
"I said, do you hear me?"
"I hear you! I'm sorry!" I cried.
"Why did you do it?" he repeated.
"I don't know! Leave me alone!"
"What did you say?" he asked, looking even madder.
I guess I must have gone a little crazy then. I was so dumb, so sure he hated me and figured I had nothing to lose anyway.
"I said LEAVE ME ALONE! Just -- Just...screw off!" I yelled back at him.
His eyes widened and his face looked still madder. I realized I was crazy and turned to Kitty to help me.
"All right, that's it," Riley said grimly. He let go of my shirt, grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the living room.
"What are you doing?" I cried desperately, tugging at him.
"Riley..." Kitty tried to intercede at this point. "He didn't mean it, he's just upset."
Ry looked like he'd forgotten she was there. "Kitty, go upstairs!" he said.
"No, stay!" I yelled. I was certain Riley was going to try to kill me or something and I wanted a witness.
"Fine," Riley snapped, dragging me over to the couch. "If you really want her to watch you get your butt smacked, then she can stay."
"What? No!" I realized what he intended and panicked, trying to get away, but he was so much bigger than me it was like a fly buzzing around an elephant or something.
Kitty's eyes were big and round staring at us. "I can't watch this," she said, and started to go upstairs.
"Kitty!" I howled. She was my one ally and she was abandoning me.
She ruffled my hair. "Jamie, you'll live, calm down," she said and headed for the stairs.
I couldn't believe this.
She stopped at the foot of the stairs and turned around. "Don't kill him, Ry...okay?"
He didn't answer. I heard her door close upstairs and burst into tears, feeling abandoned and affronted and very very scared. "Riley, please don't," I whimpered. "I'm sorry..."
He just yanked me between his knees and I tried to twist away, but held me with his knees while he unbuttoned my pants, yanking them down. I was horrified. He'd never done that before either.
"Riley!" I wailed. He ignored me, tossed me over his lap, and began waling on me right away. He wrapped one muscular arm around my waist and held me tight to his stomach so I could barely move, though I certainly tried after it started to hurt, which was pretty much right after he began. I started howling after only a couple smacks. He had big hands and he spanked HARD. I was so busy sobbing and feeling sorry for myself I barely noticed him stopping until I felt his hand at the waist of my underpants.
What he was doing registered in a moment of horror. I shrieked in protest as he yanked my underwear down to my knees. Kitty must think I was being killed down here, not to mention what the neighbors must think!
He started spanking again, this time on my bare bottom. I thought it had hurt before but this was much worse. I begged and pleaded for him to stop and finally just broke down. I was certain he was taking off all the skin down there.
"You are NEVER cutting school again!" he lectured angrily. "I am working _d_a_m_n_ hard to keep this family together and you're not going to ruin it!"
What did he mean? I was too confused and in pain to understand. I just sobbed and tried to make affirmative noises when he wanted them.
"You're going to do what I say, when I say it, from now on, or you're going to end up right back here, do you understand me?"
I was crying so hard I was choking, tears and other fluids making a big mess on my face and dripping onto the couch. At first I fought to get away but after a while I was too tired and Riley was too strong anyway. I just lay limp over his lap and sobbed until I felt faint.
I hated him. He was bossy and mean and horrible and worst of all he hated me back. He hated me first. I felt so sorry for myself.
He let me lie there calming down a little but I was still crying hard when he picked me up off his lap and stood me back on my feet, facing him. He had a funny expression on his face that I couldn't quite read. He was probably gloating over spanking me so hard, I figured. I knew I was a mess, tears were still streaming down, my nose was running, and my knees were still shaking a little.
"I'm taking you to school myself tomorrow. No more walking," he said. I just nodded and stood there crying. He didn't trust me at all anymore. AND I had to go to school. I was the unluckiest kid ever. I didn't even have anywhere to run away to.
He was still holding my wrists and I was desperate to rub my sore butt. It burned so badly.
"And you'd better behave while you're there too," he said warningly. "If I get another report about you..." I shook my head vigorously.
He jerked his head toward the stairs. "Go to bed," was all he said.
I must have given him a shocked look. I couldn't believe it. It couldn't be more than six o'clock and we hadn't even had dinner yet!
"Riley!" I said but he shook his head.
"Upstairs, now, Jamie, before I lose my temper!" was all he said.
BEFORE he did? He had some crazy ideas, that brother of mine. I just couldn't help myself from talking back. It was one thing agreeing with him while he was spanking my butt, I hadn't had any choice. But I couldn't believe the way he was telling me what to do. Me and my big mouth.
"I'm sick of you bossing me around!" I yelled. "I hate you! You're not the boss of me!"
Suddenly I was face down over his lap again, he'd yanked my pants back down and was smacking my butt. It was already so sore that this was torture. I started yelling at the top of my lungs, begging him to stop. He just kept going. It hurt so bad I didn't care about my dignity or his bossiness or anything else anymore except the pain and making him stop.
"Please, Ry...I'm sorry...please..."
Finally he did stop but didn't even let me lie there calming down this time, just scooped me off his lap like a rag doll and tossed me over his shoulder. I was still crying hysterically. He marched upstairs and down the hall. Kitty poked her head out, she must have been listening at her door. "What's going on? Ry?" He just carried me into my room and tossed me down on the bed.
"Get changed and get into bed right now and don't you dare move from this room," he said. "I'll come back to check on you and you'd better be in bed."
I was too tired and hurting to argue. I just lay there nodding and crying until he left, closing the door hard behind him.
Then I turned around and buried my head in my pillow and sobbed.
I guess I must have dozed off because I woke up to hear someone opening my door. I was still half asleep but I panicked a little since I hadn't gotten changed or anything. I had no idea what time it was, I just sat up and threw a hand over my eyes. The light from the hall was hurting them, they were all swollen up from crying so much.
It was Steve. He came in and sat down on the side of the bed. "You okay, Jaim?" he asked.
Fresh tears started. "No," I said, my voice breaking.
He patted my back.
"You hungry?" He asked so I figured I must have already missed dinner. I wasn't hungry though and I told him so.
"Okay, well, get ready for bed then," he said, and went over to my dresser to get out my pajamas.
Riley hadn't even come up himself, he'd sent Stephen up. He must really hate me.
Oh well, I hated him too, so it was fine.
I put on the pajamas, wincing hard when they touched my sore butt.
"Go brush your teeth," Stephen said but I told him Riley said I wasn't allowed to leave my room. He said he'd come with me and he followed me to the bathroom and waited outside while I brushed my teeth and took care of business. Then he came in and soaked a washcloth in the sink and started rubbing at my face.
"You're a mess," he said. The light was still hurting my eyes and I wanted to go back to sleep, so he brought me back to my room and tucked me in, which was nice. I was still hurting so I lay on my stomach and he sat down next to me on the bed again.
"Go to sleep now, okay?" he said, patting my back again.
"Riley hates me," I mumbled. I don't even know why I said it.
"What? No he doesn't. What are you talking about?"
Tears spilled out of my eyes again. "He does too. He wouldn't even come up to police me himself," I croaked. My throat was so hoarse from all the crying I'd done.
"That's not true," Steve said. "Listen, he doesn't hate you. He's just upset."
Upset? Him? No one had smacked his butt until he was sobbing. There was no reason for him to be upset. He was just mean. "Why is he upset?" I managed to ask.
"Well, he's upset because he knows you're upset, first of all," Steve said. Ha, I didn't believe that. If he didn't like upsetting me, he wouldn't have spanked me. I pushed my face into my pillow and Steve just kept patting my back.
"And he's upset because you were messing up and he didn't know about it. He's scared. He has to take care of us and it's hard and he's worried he's going to screw up and you're going to suffer," he said.
I lifted my head up a little and looked at him curiously.
"And don't you ever repeat I told you that or I'll be the next one to kick your butt," he said, laughing a little. Then he got serious again. "Jaim, do you know who that was who came to the house today?"
I shook my head, sniffing.
"It was a social worker."
I nodded. We'd had social workers out here before, they'd checked up sometimes after Mom and Dad...after Riley had started taking care of us.
"Jamie, she wanted to talk to Ry about you. You know what could happen if you cut school like that and Riley doesn't even know about it? They could take you away. Kitty too. They could decide we can't take care of you."
I sat straight up in bed, heedless of my sore backside. "What? No, Steve, I don't want them to!"
"Whoa, I know that," he said. "Ry doesn't want them to either. He wants you here. He loves you. Why do you think he came down so hard on you today?"
I shrugged. I'd thought it was because he hated me.
"Because he doesn't want to lose you. He loves you. He was scared because that social worker could have raised a fuss, tried to take you and Kit away because we're not fit guardians."
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I'd had no idea. "I didn't know."
"Well, now you do," he said. He put a hand on my shoulder and pushed me to lie back down. I did.
"Look, it's going to be okay. I promise. But you gotta listen, do what Ry tells you. He's just trying to look out for you."
I thought about Ry moving in last fall. He'd had his own life, his own apartment. But he came back here anyway to take care of us, so we wouldn't be split up. He couldn't even really have much of a life of his own anymore. I felt myself choking up again. God, I was such a baby tonight. But the wheels in my head kept turning. I'd almost screwed stuff up for us big time.
"Go to sleep now," Stephen was saying. He kind of ruffled my hair again and then left, closing the door behind him, but leaving it open a crack so I could get some light from the hall like he knew I liked.
I rolled over and wrapped my arms around my pillow and thought for a while, until I fell asleep.
The next morning I went right over to the mirror when I woke up, lowered my pajama bottoms to see the damage. I hadn't looked last night. It was probably going to be purple or something! Well. I was pretty surprised when I saw it was still faintly pink, but that was all. It was tender to the touch, but I was going to be okay.
I got dressed and wandered downstairs. It was earlier than I usually went down. Ry was sitting there with some work spread out in front of him, drinking a cup of coffee. His eyes looked tired. I felt real guilty thinking maybe he hadn't gotten much sleep last night worrying about me. I was a pretty big burden on him.
He looked up when I came in.
"Hey. You're up early," he said.
I shrugged, embarrassed. I wasn't mad at him, not exactly, but my feelings were still sort of mixed after last night.
"You want some eggs or something?" he asked, standing up and moving toward the refrigerator. It seemed kind of like a peace offering, so I nodded even though I wasn't really that hungry.
I watched him cracking eggs over a pan and my heart just kind of turned over.
"Ry..." I said, my voice catching a little.
He turned around. "You still hate me, buddy?" he asked quietly.
My eyes filled up. I couldn't answer him, so I just took the few steps toward him and grabbed him around the waist, burying my head in his shirt. He almost lost his balance, but put his arms around me too and held on tight.
"I could never hate you," I whispered and I realized I meant it.
Well, that wasn't the last time we ever bumped heads -- far from it! -- but it was the last time I ever told my brother I hated him.