We had been living together about six months when I decided I'd had enough of him.
He was just impossible to live with. A saint couldn't have done it. I bet in kindergarten his report card said "Does not play well with others." When the other kids were putting paste in their mouths and smearing finger paint on each other, Aidan was probably bossing them around or tying their shoes or waving a ruler around, maybe.
Aidan had an uncanny gift for turning normal household implements into something much more unpleasant and threatening.
And rules for everything! Leave a note if you're going out. Call if you're going to come home late. Don't swear at me.
All in all, I'd had enough of Aidan Rules-for-Everything Curran.
I wasn't running away exactly. I sat down very carefully, wincing a little, behind the wheel and took off down the road, not sure where I was going. Aidan got home about an hour later than I did, so I had a window of time before he figured out I'd broken yet another of his precious rules. Yes, you can probably guess that I hadn't left him a note.
Where to go? I drove a couple of blocks, turned around, drove some more, finally I turned onto the main road and found myself heading east.
When in doubt, drive to the water, right?
I parked the car and sat and looked at the sea for a while. I took some notice that I was parked in the bus lane, but at this hour I probably wouldn't get stopped. Which was just as well, since Aidan has made clear how he feels about parking tickets and other unfair fascist rules like that.
The water was a murky blue-gray and it was getting dark out anyway. There were a couple of lonely gulls making depressed sounds on the dock. I knew how they felt. Sitting wasn't that comfortable, so I got up and walked out onto the boardwalk. It wasn't cold, but it wasn't warm either, and there was hardly anyone around. Beaches always look creepy and abandoned to me before summer, but they're a good place to think. That was what I needed: some thinking time.
I leaned on the railing, taking my weight on my arms, and blew my bangs out of my eyes. Why did I stay with him? It was a reasonable question. He had his moments. He was definitely one of the smartest people I'd ever known. He could be funny in his own way too, even though he never seemed to appreciate my sense of humor. And I had to admit he was basically very kind, even if he could be a demanding bastard too. And he had a beautiful head of hair. I'm as shallow as the next fellow, I'll own up to it. Aidan was at the front of the line the day looks were handed out, that's for sure. But all those rules! I was a grown man. I could get along well with others. Hadn't I always had masses of friends? Aidan of course didn't approve of a lot of them. He's got his own friends, he's not antisocial or anything but they like doing different things. Boring things. Sitting around and talking. Discussing politics. Going to endless nineteen-course meals where they swish the wine around and talk about dumb things like "bouquet."
Now Aidan isn't a snob but some of his friends sure might be. We were definitely different people, Aidan and I. Opposites attract and all that. And we definitely did attract. No argument there. I blushed a little just thinking about that part of our relationship. I definitely had no complaints in that area. After years of ducking behind pillars or hunched in the backseat of someone's car, being romanced with candles and massage oil and long, slow warm-ups was a new innovation. I hadn't known before Aidan that it could be like that.
It was getting darker. Maybe Aidan wasn't going to go out looking for me. Maybe he'd had enough of me too. Maybe he'd gone somewhere to think about how I never followed his rules. And ran away without telling him. And worried him. Tears sprang unexpectedly to my eyes. Maybe he was worried. I hated the idea of him worried all alone. I was still tender, still annoyed with him about that. But he never left me alone to deal with my feelings. Maybe it wasn't fair to leave him alone now.
But I changed my mind just as quickly. Here I was by myself and I didn't need to answer to anyone. This was how it should be. No stupid rules. No one spanking me like some naughty little kid if I didn't behave the way he wanted.
No one caring where I went or what I did. No one cuddling me for hours when I broke down.
I shivered a little. It was getting cooler.
Ages passed.
Then I heard footsteps on the boardwalk behind me. "I thought you'd never come," I said, surprising myself.
"What's going on?" his voice so familiar it made my throat hurt.
"I needed some thinking time," I said.
He came over next to me, folding his arms on the railing. "Are you ready to come home?"
"No," I said. Surprise #2.
I waited for him to raise a fuss, tell me I was coming home and that's an order, drag me to the car, assert his authority somehow. But all he did was take off his jacket and drop it around my shoulders. "It's cold and as usual you're improperly dressed," he said and turned back toward the parking lot.
Tears started in earnest then. "Aidan!" I called.
He turned around again. "What?"
"I mean if you really want me to come home...." I stammered.
"If you need thinking time then far be it from me to interfere."
"But Aidan!"
"Take all the thinking time you need."
Then it became clear. He didn't want me home. He was glad I'd left.
"Don't you want me to come home?" I cried. Tears were falling faster, I was lucky the beach was deserted. An audience now would be nothing less than humiliating. Aidan was glad to be rid of me. The world was ending.
His footsteps got loud again, he crossed the boardwalk and caught me in his arms, holding me tightly. "Calm down. Jay calm down right now." Easier said than done. I buried my head in his neck, gulping on sobs.
"You don't want me to come home!" I sobbed out.
"Of course I want you to come home you silly, silly boy." He sounded totally unbothered above me. "But if you need thinking time...."
"Screw thinking time," I gulped. He swatted me where I was tender. "You may need quite a bit of work," he observed. "but I love you and I want you home with me. All the time. Are you ready to come now?"
I thought about it. I supposed I was.
"Come then." He wrapped his jacket tighter around my shoulders and led me back to my car. "I'm on your tail," he warned me, I suppose just letting me know he'd be following me home but I sensed a second meaning there too and it made my buttocks clench in unhappy anticipation.
True to his word he stayed on my tail all the way home. It was a short drive and over far too quickly. He pulled in behind me but got out fast enough to open my door, put an arm around me and lead me into the house. I paused at the threshold and my stomach grumbled suddenly. He took my hand. "Come on. You're hungry. I kept dinner warm for you." Good smells were wafting from the kitchen.
There was a pot on the stove, something saran wrapped in the microwave. Glasses with ice on the table were sweating enough to show me they'd been out for a while. I felt guilty. Still holding my hand Aidan went to the big ceramic jug on the counter, pulled out a wooden spoon. Only a split second before I realized he wasn't going to use it to stir pasta. I tugged immediately at his grip.
"I didn't do anything!" I protested as he marched us to the table, pulled out a kitchen chair. He sat down and pulled me down across his lap, I was too busy declaring innocence and hearing my own heartbeat to struggle much anyway. "I want my dinner first!" I cried.
"First things first," he corrected.
He knew me too well really, I could never eat with something like that hanging over my head, it made me altogether too nervous.
"I'm sorry," I pleaded.
"For what?" he asked, drew down my pants and shorts and whacked the spoon down. It left a blazing oval and I screeched.
"You're sorry for what?" he asked again, peppering me with that spoon. I yelped every time it landed, twisting over his lap not to any avail. His arm was heavy along my back.
When I didn't answer he said "well, let me give you some suggestions: running away without leaving a note, leaving me to worry, trying to make me feel guilty for the punishment you justly earned yesterday...."
"I didn't run away!" I howled. "It was thinking time!"
"Where was the note?" he asked, smacking that spoon down. _d_a_m_n_, it hurt. I was still tender from yesterday too. That was his logic. It hurt him to worry about me, if I didn't tell him where I was or leave a note. It hurt me to get spanked. I supposed it made sense, in his twisted mind anyway.
"Don't spank me anymore, I'm sorry," I cried. "You did a good enough job yesterday anyway, please Aidan!"
"Obviously I didn't," he said. "I'll have to make a stronger impression in the future."
"I'll leave notes!" I shrieked. I would, too. Anytime I went anywhere. If I just left to use the can. I was willing to promise anything.
"You don't worry me and create scenes like that. People who love each other don't do that. People who love each other don't leave without a word or so much as a thought for the other's feelings."
I knew he was right and I was too tired and sore to argue about it anyway. I just pressed my face into his leg and waited for it to be over. Finally he set the spoon aside and lifted me upright. I crawled onto his lap, no easy maneuver since my pants were still looped around my knees and I narrowly missed another swan dive across his knees. I made it onto his lap more or less and he wrapped his arms around me securely, rubbing my back and touching the part of me he'd just finished heating.
"That hurt," I said when I'd stopped crying quite so hard, my voice muffled since we were holding each other so tight.
"I'm afraid it was supposed to," he said.
Sadistic, really. To prove it he made me sit down on one of the kitchen chairs, though he did get me a pillow from the bedroom, and eat dinner. I surprised myself by cleaning my plate. I guess thinking makes me hungry after all. I went to help him clear after only to be guided into one of the kitchen corners.
I bucked. "Aidan!"
"Since you like thinking time so much, I want to make sure you've finished all your thinking for tonight," he said.
"Jay. Use the time to think," he said again when I tried to leave the corner and grab onto him. He gave me a fast warm hug. "I'll be right here, I'm just going to wash up."
I stared at the wall for a few minutes. Thinking was overrated.
Pretty soon after he pulled me out of the corner and back into his arms. I grabbed him and held on tight.
"Come up with anything?" he asked.
"I'm sorry I worried you," I told him sincerely. "I'll leave a note next time. I really will."
Then I surprised myself for the millionth time that night by bursting into tears.
"Thank you for coming to get me," I struggled to make out through my years. "If you hadn't....I mean...."
He just shushed me and rocked us both for a while.
"All right honey? Do you need any more thinking time?" he asked me gently when I'd calmed down more.
I told him no. That I'd made up my mind.
The end.