NonSense and InSensibility by Cat Austin: (19??-not dead yet, just breathing shallowly.) A delightful social comedy of no manners and much bad language in which siblings Danny and Ally are finally reunited.
Reviews: What one expert on Twenty First Century BDL (British Discipline Literature) had to say:
This episode, the 15th in the continuing Danny and Jack series remains as fresh a cautionary tale today as it was, a week last Thursday, when it was started.
Nonsense and Insensibility is a multi-layered episode of great indistinction. At one level it can be seen as a bourgeoisie tract on the importance of material security, especially important for working class young brats who haven't got a hope in hell of holding down a job for more that a month(Danny's personal record stands at three hours and forty minutes, but as he said, none of it was his fault)
More significantly, it marks the divide between the classical Augustan attitude represented by Jack's classic insensitivity to the comfort of Danny's buttocks, when admonishing him for some transgression or other, and the passionate longings of the Romantic age, as represented by the heartfelt screams and pleas of Daniel as he begs Jack to leave at least one layer of skin on his bottom.
In short, and let's face it, our hero is uncommonly short in these tall times, it's a blistering tail of love, trust and the need for brats to have tops! (Professor I. Whakitifitmoves. University of O. T.K.)
Introduction:
The family of Dennis and Alison, had been long settled in the place they lived in, 27, Dictatorship Avenue. Their house was of average size for a four bedroomed semi- detached with downstairs toilet. Thanks to Ally and Danny, the family had engaged the general wrath and low opinion of their surrounding acquaintance, who were oft heard to say, how does that poor long suffering sod Den put up with that pair?
It was to this abode that the dashing Jack Kinross made his way after discovering that his small, but perfectly proportioned lover, had nipped out of the bedroom window without so much as by your leave, never mind a note, managing to destroy a drainpipe and mentally traumatise a neighbour in the process.
Scene one takes place in the drawing room of aforementioned abode:
Ignoring Den's suggestion that I calm down and sit down, I continued to march back and forth as if I was on sentry duty, "....I'm telling you Den, when I lay hands on that lunatic boy he'll rue the day he was born, he waved, he BLEW me a kiss, a KISS, can you believe it? The cheeky...a KISS, I'll give him kiss when I get hold of him...." I finally stopped pacing, much to Jenny's disappointment, she'd been rather enjoying my frenzied activity, balanced as she was on my hip.
"Gee up uncle Jack, gee up!"
I laughed and sat down with her on my knee, "I'm sorry darling, I need a rest, your uncle Danny has just about finished me off today with his antics!"
She gazed at me for a moment, then shook her head saying solemnly, "naughty, uncle Danny very naughty."
"I think you might be right Jenny," I smiled affectionately at my god-daughter, feeling some of the tension go out of me. I'd catch up with Danny sooner or later, and when I did we'd be having a discourse that Descartes would be proud of. Yes, I thought grimly, after I'd applied a certain implement to his bare bottom in the time honoured method, Daniel would be meditating for days to come on the folly of his behaviour, or rather misbehaviour. In future, he'd think twice, if not three times, before climbing out of windows, harassing neighbours and bending drainpipes like some kind of misguided Uri Gellar, not to mention going joyriding with elderly female neighbours on even more elderly motorbikes.
"He put high heels on Barbie's friend. Ken doesn't like wearing high heels, or glittery dresses." Jenny looked thoughtful for a moment, then said, "I still like uncle Danny though, he tells me stories and makes funny faces behind daddy's back and he brings me sweets." She put her arms around my neck, looking at me imploringly, "you still like him don't you uncle Jack?"
"Yes," I hugged her tightly, "of course I do, I like him very much indeed."
"Don't worry uncle Jack." Adam's voice piped up from the carpet where he was sprawled front first, playing with an action man that looked suspiciously as if it were wearing nail varnish and lip gloss. Really, I thought, I would have to have words with Danny about his penchant for messing about with his nephew and niece's toys. I gently tickled Adam's ribs with the toe of my shoe, "and why shouldn't I worry, little mister funny face?"
Adam giggled, "because I expect he's just gone to the seaside to see mummy."
"WHAT?"
The tone of Den's voice could have caused bananas to voluntarily peel and chop themselves for a fruit salad.
Adam sat up at once, his face dissolving into tears.
"Sorry, I'm sorry sweetheart," Den scooped him up and cuddled him, "I didn't mean to sound angry with you, I'm not angry with you, not in the slightest." He soothed and kissed the tears away, "now, he said, gently, "tell me why you think mummy has gone to the seaside?"
Adam sniffed, "when she took us to granny Jackals this morning, she told us to be good for the old trout and she'd see us later and that she'd bring us some candy floss, and you only get candy floss at the seaside, don't you daddy, so she must have gone to the seaside?"
Dennis kissed his son's cheek again, "clever boy Adam, you're a real detective."
Adam beamed proudly, hugging his father's neck, "maybe mummy will bring you some candy floss too."
"I'll give her candy floss when I lay hands on her," murmured Den, a gleam in his eye. "Fancy a ride out Jack?"
I nodded.
"Good, I'll just see if my old tro...mother will baby-sit this pair."
Scene two: Meanwhile on the coast road to Whitby, our petite, but handsome hero(me) and his octogenarian sidekick(the lovely Lily) are still chugging along, determined to fulfil their quest to locate Awol Alison and talk some common sense into her, no, come on, don't laugh, I'm serious. I can do common sense, I've been observing Jack, it's dead easy.
As we motored merrily along, I wondered if we would run into Georgie and Peter, Whitby was their holiday destination, some kind of Biker's Convention that took place every year. I hoped so, they could help us to look for Ally, maybe they'd found her already, or she'd found them, she and Georgie for all that they'd only recently met up again, seemed to have a strong bond between them. She'd confided her anxieties to him, long before she'd confided them to me, and only then for fear that she would never be able to visit the bathroom again without worrying whether I was, as she put it, lurking under the rim like some frigging pervy, eavesdropping germ!
I quelled a stab of resentment against Georgie; after all she was my sister not his, and regardless of unhealthy co-dependency, it was her duty to confide in me first. Georgie should have pointed that out to her, instead of giving her the full benefit of his sympathetic ear.
It's not as if my ear was unsympathetic or anything. I had a very sympathetic ear, in fact more than sympathetic, compassionate that's what my ear was, positively compassionate and understanding. It ought to have its own prime time television show dedicated to listening to tales of human despair; it would give up its gold stud to help a soul in need. Was that good enough for my sister? No, she preferred the ear that was attached to the equivalent of a human mountain, and it wasn't fair.
Georgie didn't even look much like an agony aunt, or in fact a nurse, which is what he was. I had been stunned when Peter told me his partner's profession, Georgie was a mental health nurse, a senior one at that. Six foot four, massive shoulders, long hair tied in a ponytail and dressed in his leathers he looked more like a Hell's Angel than an administering Angel. I tried to picture him in a nurses uniform, fob watch in hand, but the command was just too much for my brain to cope with and it resorted to pictures of cute lambs ambling across green fields, a bit of an anachronism really in view of the tragedy of the foot and mouth crisis.
Still, looks could be deceptive, I'd learned that much from life; except in Skelator's case, he looked like a total prat and he didn't disappoint.
The Hollies sang forth and both Lily and I joined in; what was it about sixties music that made you want to sing along....
"I can taste all the sugar sweetness in your kiss, you gave me all the love I ever missed, I never felt like this, I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive...."
Well for now anyway, when Jack caught up with me it might well be a different story! I pictured his face as I sang the words, he was gorgeous, a great kisser, and he was mine. If I could only tame that over enthusiastic right hand of his, he'd be _d_a_m_n_ near perfect.
Still, I mused, we all have our crosses to bear, or, as in my case, large wooden hairbrushes... thanks to that interfering sod Tristan! If I wasn't so even tempered and reasonable, I'd have planned revenge on him by now, but God had endowed me with a sweet and forgiving nature. I just wish he'd seen fit to endow my Jack with a less correctional turn of mind, and a weaker right arm.
Still, I reasoned, once I'd located and persuaded Ally to return with me to the loving bosom of her family, hopefully with a minimum of violence and injury, to me that is, I was sure that Jack would forgive me. I'd happily forgive me if I was Jack, but then I wasn't Jack, I was a lot shorter for a start!
Really, Jack and I would have to have some words along the theme of forgiveness, maybe I could even persuade Father Michael to have a word or two with him on the subject. He was a very forgiving man, and seemed to have completely gotten over me setting fire to his cassock at Christmas. I'd been round to the presbytery two or three times to express my remorse, and he'd always sounded very forgiving as he spoke to me through the letter box, telling me to go and be peaceful, at least that's what I think he said, he does have a heavy Irish accent.
Jerry and his Pacemakers took possession of the eight track, lifting my mood of optimism still further. Oh yeah, I told myself, everything was going to be alright, I sang along: 'It's gonna be alright, alright, alright... the day you came my way, I knew I would stay, close by your side to keep you satisfied...'
"Smashing pop group were Jerry and The Pacemakers," bawled Lily, above the purr of the engine and the roar of the wind, "still going strong is old Jerry, mind you, from the look of him, he could do with having a pacemaker surgically implanted in his heart. Last time I saw him in concert, I thought he was going to peg out during a rendition of Ferry Across The Mersey. Next time they wheel him out for a tour, I'll take you to see him Danny, we'll have a right grand night. We'll invite Jack, see if we can't get him to cut loose for an hour or two, he needs to relax a bit more that fella of yours."
Seaside resorts are weird places in winter, like ghost towns with shuttered shops and deserted streets. I half expected to hear the theme tune from A Fistful Of Dollars start up and see clumps of tumbleweed rolling about as we drove along Top Cliff. The sound of the motor bike engine cut through the eerie silence and the windows of the once grand Victorian houses, now mainly hotels and guest houses, gazed sleepily down on us, no doubt wondering why we'd come, what we wanted.
A curtain twitched and sunlight hit metal as quick draw MacIntyre....
"I'll just park up here Ducks."
Lily broke into my fantasy of having a gun battle with a tall bloke in a poncho who bore a stunning resemblance to Tristan. Blowing the smoke from my gun, I slipped it back in the holster, "gotcha you bastard," I smirked happily, "oh yeah, it's Boot Hill for the posh prat."
"What was that love?" Lily screeched to a halt outside a locked up ice-cream parlour.
"Nothing Lily, just thinking aloud."
I gazed at the shuttered hut with interest, Mr Whopper's delectable frozen non milk fat, gluten free, genetically modified, Soya based, fake dairy ice cream. 22 wholesome artificial flavours. Sounded delicious, shame it was shut. I read the boast under the list of flavours: 'Tops on taste and quality! Bottoms on price-we can't be beaten!' I shuddered slightly, tops, bottoms and beat in the same sentence, whatever the context, made my buttocks twitch nervously and come over all faint. Whoever had penned that legend obviously hadn't met Jack or Dennis, they were expert bottom beaters.
Lily nudged me out of my ice cream day dream, "hey up Danny pet, there she is, there's no mistaking that colour hair."
Alison was exactly where I thought she'd be, sitting under the jaw bone archway that bore testimony to the Town's long gone whaling days. She was gazing out towards the open sea, her hair whipped about her face by the breeze. It was bitterly cold, but she seemed oblivious, hands tucked under her armpits, knees drawn awkwardly up against her body.
"Go on petal." Lily removed her battered helmet, tucking it under her arm "I'll stay here, go and talk to her."
I walked slowly towards Alison, she must have heard my footsteps, but she didn't turn round. I sat down beside her, feeling the cold strike up through the ground, not exactly an unpleasant sensation on a bottom that still glowed slightly from the attendance danced on it by Jack's hand earlier. She spoke, but still didn't turn her eyes away from the sea.
"Bloody hell Danny, have you had me micro-chipped or what, how did you know where to find me?"
I shrugged, "mum used to bring me to Whitby every summer when I was a kid. I wanted to go to Disney Land, but she said it was Whitby or nowt. We'd always come up here on an evening and she'd sit, just where you're sitting now, looking out to sea for a good hour or so. It was like a ritual, I didn't understand why, not until I found the photograph.
"Photograph?"
She looked at me for the first time, her face was stark white and there was a shadow in her blue eyes that frightened me. I slipped the snap shot out of my jeans pocket and handed it across. "I found it amongst some stuff of mum's when I was clearing the garage. It's the gift I was going to give you, it was in a little art deco photograph frame."
She stared at it in silence, I wondered if she realised who it was. Reaching out I took the photo and turned it over, putting it back in her hands, "look at the inscription Ally, it's you with mum."
"I know," she whispered, turning it back over and staring at it. "I remember it being taken, I've just never actually seen it. It's the only photograph I remember having taken as a child."
"Well, mum wasn't much of a one for photographs, there's not that many of me, not until after I came to live with you and Den. I thought you'd like to have it, to show Adam and Jen what you looked like when you were five."
To my dismay, she suddenly began to cry.
"Come on Al, it's not that bad a photo, you look really cute."
The tears fell faster, "yeah, so cute, that not long after that picture was taken she stuck me in a home, walked away and forgot about me! How could she do that Danny, how could she just walk away and leave me, why did she do it?"
Her hands clutched at me desperately, her eyes searching my face, demanding something that was beyond my abilities to give. I had no answers. I didn't know why. I couldn't give ease to the pain in my sister's heart, just as when I was a child I couldn't ease the pain in my mother's heart. I would lie awake at night listening to the sound of her tears punctuating the hours after midnight, wondering whether I was the cause of them.
I was suddenly overcome with guilt and shame, the photograph had done exactly the opposite of what I wanted it to do, it had upset Ally, reawakened painful memories, as if she didn't have enough to contend with. I never did anything right.
I struggled to say the right thing. "I'm really sorry Alison, I didn't mean to upset you, I thought you'd like it, I thought you'd like to know that mum had kept it, that she carried it around in her handbag in a little pouch to protect it. I don't know why she did what she did, but she obviously never forgot you."
Alison was shaking, whether with cold, distress or both I didn't know. I felt slightly out of my depth, I was the one who usually clutched at her weeping and wailing. I hugged her as tightly as I could, trying to keep her warm while communicating my love and sympathy for her through the power of touch, as I doubted my words would be adequate.
"I waited Danny. I waited for her to come back for me, sitting on the steps of the home every day, scanning the street, waiting for her to appear, to wave and smile and say she loved me and she didn't care that I was disabled, but she never did. Some of the kids in the home found other families, but there was never even a hint that anyone was interested in adopting or fostering me, they took one look and moved on. All I wanted was for someone to accept me, to love me, to make me feel safe and special."
She gave a shaky smile, "Dennis did that for me, no matter what I did, or said, he was there and I finally believed that he really loved me, not pitied me, but loved me, now this. God's decided that not content with making me a cripple, he'd further _f_u_c_k_ up my life by striking me with cancer, as if I haven't burdened Dennis enough."
"Come on Al, don't fall apart, please, you'll see, everything's gonna be alright," I echoed Jerry's words from earlier, if this was a musical a chorus of muscular dancers would prance along the cliff top singing their hearts out. Unfortunately it was real life and the only thing that made an appearance on the cliff top was a huge seagull which circled above our heads before evacuating its bowels in mid air.
There was a moments heavy silence, then Ally spoke. "_s_h_i_t_ on from a bloody great height!" She stared at me, saying bitterly, "what does that tell you Danny?"
"It got me too Al, don't take it personally, it's just one of those things." I tried to sound philosophical, but it's hard when you're spattered with seagull crap. I bet even Plato would have been hard pressed to maintain an air of cool philosophicalness while being _s_h_i_t_ on by a bird with a gippy tummy. Mind you, after the event, he'd probably have turned it into an excuse to get together with his pals and have a good booze up while discussing the moral nature of _s_h_i_t_.
Ally wasn't a great fan of Philosophy, she preferred pure Theology, opting for the Divine Conspiracy theory.
"I'll tell you what it says, it says God hates me, in fact he hates all ginger people, have you noticed that Dan?"
I tried to wipe the disgusting slimy mess out of my hair, succeeding only in smearing it further.
_f_u_c_k_ it! Abandoning all pretence at being philosophical, I joined Ally, embracing self-pity and the 'God hates me cos I'm ginger,' theory.
"I have actually Al, I have noticed that people with our hair colour get less breaks in life, it makes me wonder whether Beelzebub was ginger. I bet if Jesus had been born with ginger hair, there'd be no Christianity, cos no one would follow a bloke with ginger hair."
Alison nodded sagely. "You talk a lot of sense Danny, it's a fact, no one takes a person with ginger hair seriously, not even bloody seagulls! I bet if Peter had been approached by a ginger Jesus, he'd have said, clear off carrot top, I'm not leaving my nets for a ginger prophet."
"Gingeranity, that's what it would be called," I said solemnly.
The flatulent seagull circled again and we flinched as another shower of hot fresh guano rained down.
"And on the eighth day," intoned Ally, wiping flecks of muck from her face, "God commanded: let there be _s_h_i_t_e, and lo, there was _s_h_i_t_e, and it raineth down on the ginger people and God almost wet himself with celestial mirth!"
Suddenly we were leaning against each other and giggling.
"Christ Dan," she wiped her eyes with the backs of her hands, "I'm going to die, and I'm laughing. I mean, realistically, we're all going to die, it isn't optional, you can't tick the _f_u_c_k_ you box, it comes to us all." She sobered and sat up straight, "only, I wasn't expecting it quite so soon."
"For God's sake Alison!" I glared at her feeling all my worry and tension return, "you're nowhere near dead! How can you give up without a fight. I thought you had more about you than this....and don't give me that crap about hair loss and being disfigured, or about being a burden, cos it's all bollocks! Dennis wouldn't give a stuff about any of that, as long as he has you, he adores you! And talking of Den, how could you leave him a note like that, telling him that kind of news then just go off without saying a word about where you were going, that was just plain cruel. Poor sod, he's worried sick"
She glared back at me, "don't you go all self righteous on me Daniel MacIntyre. Okay, so I might not have gone the best way about things, but since when have you been an authority on rational behaviour, mister-wreck-Jack's-Jag-in-a-fit-of-groundless-jealousy! While Den was busy giving you and Jack a lift to the funeral, I got a phone call from the hospital, it was the consultant wanting to know why I hadn't turned up for my appointment the day before and demanding that I go see him immediately. I panicked, I was frightened. I knew I had to tell Dennis, but I didn't know how else to do it, I couldn't say it to his face, I just couldn't. I can barely say it to myself. I wanted to be alone for a while," she prodded a finger at me, "fat chance with you stalking my every move! I just wanted time to think."
"Think! What's to think about?" I yelled clenching my fists and leaping to my feet, "you're having the bloody treatment and that's all there is to it!"
Ally grasped the sides of the whales jaw bone, heaving herself to a standing position and shouting, "just who the _f_u_c_k_ are you to tell me what I'm going to do?"
I drew myself up to my full height, which didn't take long. "I'm...I'm...I'm a MAN, and I'm taking you in hand young lady. You're going home and you're having that treatment whether you like it or not!"
God I was good, Jack would have been impressed! I just hoped I hadn't scared my sister too much, while I wanted to assert some authority, I didn't want to come over as a bully. To my utter chagrin she began to laugh. I glared at her furiously, "it's not in the least bit funny Alison." I tried to sound stern, but it just came out pouty. She almost choked on her laughter. "Stop it Ally!" I stamped, I just couldn't help it.
"Oh God Danny, Danny," she wiped tears of mirth from her eyes, "Jesus, you're priceless, I'll miss you when I'm dead, I really will. That's the best piss take of Jack I've ever seen you do...do Den now, go on, just for me."
It was too much, nobody ever took me seriously and it just wasn't fair. I burst in to tears. Jeez, I was going to have to find a course that taught me how to control my emotions, I'd wash myself away at this rate.
"Sorry." She quickly sobered, putting an arm around me. "I'm very sorry Daniel, I didn't mean to upset you, I didn't mean to upset anyone, I'm so scared I can't think straight."
"You have to have this treatment Alison, no matter what, no matter how afraid you are, you've got to fight."
"I know babe, I've come to that same conclusion." She sat down heavily on the cold ground, reaching up a hand she yanked me down beside her draping an arm about my shoulder.
"Hell's Bells Ally," I stared at her in some bewilderment, "you don't half have some lightening changes of mind, you're erecting a headstone in one breath, and kicking it down in the next!"
"Seeing that photograph actually helped me decide what I have to do," she said quietly, "I remember how I felt that day I was here with my mother. I don't know how she was with you Danny, but with me she was so distant, even at that young age I can remember her remoteness. Sometimes I just longed for the sound of her voice, she could go days without saying more than the odd word."
I rested my head against Alison's shoulder, "she was like that with me from time to time. I think she found it very hard to express her emotions."
"That day that she brought me here was so special. We played on the sand for ages, she held my hand, talked to me, helped me paddle in the sea. We came up here for the last part of the day, that was when the photo was taken, she asked a man to take a snapshot of us sitting here, her arms around me. I was so happy, and then she went away and never came back. I can't describe how that felt, I lay awake at night, crying, wondering what I'd done wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong Ally."
She smiled at me sadly, "I know that now Dan, but I didn't then. Seeing that little photograph and remembering those feelings suddenly made me see what a selfish bitch I was being. If I give up without a fight, I'll be letting my babies down, leaving them without a mother, the way my mother left me. Hell, I'm far from being a perfect parent, just as my mother was obviously far from perfect, but I still loved her, and I know Adam and Jen love me. I'm not going to leave them, not if I can help it."
I reached my arms around her neck, hugging her tightly. "You're doing the right thing Ally. I felt betrayed when mum died, like she'd deserted me, rejected me. I was so angry as well as hurt and frightened. I wouldn't want Adam and Jen to experience anything like that."
"I know Danny, I remember, that's another deciding factor. You were so lost, loving and sweet one moment, and a right little bugger the next, taking all your confused feelings out on the rest of the world. Those first few months you were with us were hell."
"You and Den never once threatened to send me away, I kept trying to make you crack, to somehow make you confirm that I was un-loveable, just as I felt mum had confirmed it by dying. I didn't have the words to express what I needed. No one else would have put up with me."
Ally grinned wickedly, "the only thing that cracked was Den's hand across your backside." She gave a dramatic sigh, "talking of Den, I suppose I'd better phone him and let him know I'm okay. The mobile's in the car, it's switched off. I suppose I should brace myself in readiness for having my ear chewed to ribbons. By the way how did you get here?"
"Lily gave me a lift," I turned to point to where she was standing by the motorbike and sidecar. She had her back to us and seemed to be engrossed in conversation with several large biker types, one of whom was sporting a rear cleavage that a builder would have been proud of. I just hoped Lily didn't catch sight of it, the biker wouldn't stand a chance if her passions got inflamed at the sight of his hairy great T junction!
"Wow," Ally shaded her eyes, "cool bike, a Harley Davidson 1936 EL Knucklehead if I'm not mistaken. I had no idea they came with a sidecar attached!"
I was rather jealous of this evidence of my sister's misspent youth. Being affectively in Den's care from age ten meant I'd got to misspend very little of my youth, and the bits I did manage to misspend usually cost me dear in the sitting comfortably department. It just wasn't fair. "I expect Lily's hubby knocked them together in his garage," I explained, "apparently he was a dab hand with gadgets."
"It's great." She dragged her eyes away from the bike to focus on me, "talking of dab hands, does Jack know where you are?"
"Get real Ally, of course he doesn't know where I am? If he did he'd be right behind me and Den would be a foot in front of him. Anyway," I said nonchalantly, "I'm a mature adult, I don't have to tell Jack my every move."
"You mean you sneaked out behind his back?"
"Yes," I blushed.
"Tsk, tsk, my boy," she shook a stern finger, "I really think you ought to phone Jack and let him know you're safe. You know how he frets if he doesn't know exactly where you are."
I gazed at her sourly, "you're just stalling for time, putting off the moment when you have to talk to Den."
"We'll toss a coin if you like, see who has to phone their beloved dictator first."
Fair enough, I called heads.
"Tails," she grinned and pocketed the coin, "you get to phone first, you lucky, lucky boy!"
"How about the best of three?"
"Just get the phone Danny, it's on the back seat."
Alison had parked her car on the grass just in front of the No Parking beyond this point sign. I opened the rear door and picking up the phone clumsily punched in Jack's mobile number with frozen fingers. My tummy gave a little lurch as it was answered immediately.
"Hello Jack," I tried to sound cheerily casual, "where are you?"
His reply worried me a bit, he seemed confused.
"WHERE AM I?" He bellowed, "WHERE AM I?"
"Oh God Jack, surely you know where you are, have you had a blow to the head, how many fingers am I holding up?"
Unfortunately, trying to hold up a couple of frozen digits wasn't the wisest thing to do in the circumstances. I dropped the _d_a_m_n_ phone, it bounced off the back seat, skittering right under the front passenger seat. I threw myself into the car, scrambling around the floor and groping between the seats for the phone. I could hear Jack's voice booming from the dusty recesses under the rumpled rubber matting.
"DANNY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WHERE ARE YOU? ANSWER ME YOUNG MAN!"
I bellowed back, "JUST A SEC JACK, I'VE DROPPED THE PHONE!"
I suddenly slipped forward, banging my chin on the hand brake. The car door slammed shut and I felt an odd sensation, as if I was in motion. Sitting up quickly I glanced out of the window.
Oh Bugger!
I was in motion. The car was rolling forwards. If Jack had told me once, he'd told me...hang on... had he told me? I couldn't remember him ever saying, Danny, whatever you do, don't scramble about in cars parked on dangerous cliff sides with a slight slope.
"JACK! JACK!" I yelled, "HAVE YOU EVER TOLD ME NOT TO MUCK ABOUT IN CARS PARKED ON DANGEROUS CLIFF SIDES?"
His voice shouted back, sounding puzzled. "NO, I DON'T THINK SO," the voice suddenly changed, panic replacing puzzlement. "BUT I'M TELLING YOU NOW DANIEL, DON'T DO IT! DO YOU HEAR ME?"
I tried frantically to open the doors, but the central locking system seemed to have jammed and none of them would budge. The enormity of the situation dawned. I was going to die, the car was picking up speed, hurtling towards the cliff edge.
On the bright side, I located the phone and picked it up. "It's too late!" I wailed, "I've already done it."
The car hit a rock and juddered, I screamed in panic. "_f_u_c_k_ ME JACK I'M GONNA DIE!" Then the truth of it all hit me like a thunderbolt, he never would again, it was a _f_u_c_k_less tragedy!
"I'm doomed! I can't get out of the car. Oh God Jack," I moaned, sounding like a demented version of Frazer from Dad's Army, "I'm doomed, DOOMED, the car is heading for the edge of the cliff. Oh Jack, Jack, I do so love you! I'm sorry about being kicked out of college and for running up more debts on that confiscated credit card and for putting Tristan's mobile phone down the toilet, and that mystery smell in his room is a kipper taped under his bed! Goodbye Jack, always remember, I LOVE you!"
and there we have it folks...a real cliff hanger!