Coming soon to a web site near you...
From the author that brought you Arboreal Manoeuvres and the story that the censors have so far refused to grant a certificate to-the terrifying: D. T.'S(boy WAS that a night and a half, and I only nipped out to buy a can of dandelion and burdock, woke up four days later with a crowd round me, well I say crowd, it was just Jack, but when he's really mad, there seems a lot of him, if you know what I mean) Where was I? Oh yeah, a new story following in the best traditions of the disaster genre:
"DAN'SANTICS, OR, THE MACINTYRE ADVENTURE!"
A story about love and destiny:
Nothing On Earth Could Come Between Them
(Jack's hand and Danny's bare bottom that is, they were destined to meet...frequently!!)
Starring, in any old order:
Daniel Augustus MacIntyre: impoverished and generally misunderstood, but very cute, especially when he manages to get through a sentence without swearing.
Jack Kinross: tall, breathtakingly handsome posh top with nerves of steel and a hand to match.
Co-starring:-
Ally: the hero's demented, but caring sister.
Den: Ally's husband, another tall and imposing top... what is it with height and tops, are there any short tops out there?
Lily: Danny and Jack's friendly and fun loving neighbour.
Tristan: A right stuck up bastard, not actually in the story as such, but I just felt the need to say it.
Skelator: The right stuck up bastard's gross boyfriend, also not in the episode as such.
Special guest appearances by: Celine Dion's vocal chords, Captain Bird's Eye, Captain Ahab, Moby Dick and a brown paper bag.
A Disaster story that Empire(a small independent chemist and stockist of sealegs) described as: "The Best Fantasy Episode In Motion Sickness History"
Certificate status and general content guide:
BG: Brat Guidance...general reading, but some scenes may be unsuitable for very strict tops and could make their spanking palms itch for some action!
Warning to brats: don't try any of these stunts at home, or the outlook for posterior comfort could be bleak! The author accepts no responsibility for blistered bums, none at all, well he is a brat, what do you expect?
Bad Language: yes, gratuitous and prolific(don't tell Jack, or I'll be foaming at the mouth for days)
Nudity: a state of being unclothed.
_s_e_x_: four time a week at least, and twice on Sundays...Jack's not getting any younger, he has to use what he's got while he can, and boy, he sure can!
Violence: No, certainly not! Well earned and lovingly administered correctional chastisement, yes. (Danny will be back shortly, I've just sent him to get the soap...JK...don't worry, due to the rather sweet nature of his last recorded remark, I won't be too harsh when I wash out his mouth)
Soundtrack on sale in the foyer now, along with special promotional posters and over priced, sickly sweets...brat warning...don't be tempted to open a flap and finger the merchandise, you'll only get yourself in bother, believe me, I know!*
Our story opens where episode fifteen finished, on a cliff side in bleakest Yorkshire where a hysterical woman, hair streaming in the wind, is screaming something about Carcliff, Carcliff!
Her companion, an elderly lady of some distinction attempts to correct her by pointing out that the romantic lead in Wuthering Heights is called Heathcliff, not Carcliff.
"No, no," shrieks the hysterical one gesturing wildly, "Cliff...Car...Danny...DOOMED!"
Will our young hero make it, will he be saved? Tune in next time when hopefully you'll find out...sorry...must dash...Jack's on the war path. ;-) ;-)