(Episode sixteen in the Danny and Jack series.)
'Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on...And you're here in my heart...'
As I hurtled towards certain death, the love theme from Titanic suddenly rang out.
'And my heart will go on and on...'
Through my screams and sobs of fear I couldn't help but be impressed by Jack's incredible Celine Dion impression. My impending doom had obviously arse kicked his vocal chords into a semblance of tunefulness, and while it was sweet of him to serenade me as I died, I couldn't help but think his choice of song smacked of insensitivity. It was from a disaster movie after all, and there were no happy endings for our Kate, and her soggy third class bohemian artist boyfriend, what's his face, the short actor whose name always escaped me, oh yeah, Leonardo da Vinci: Hadn't he cut his ear off when a drawing he was doing went wrong? Bit of an over reaction in my opinion, cutting your ear off just cos your picture wasn't turning out the way you wanted it to.
If I'd done something like that, Jack would have classified it as a major tantrum and given me a sound spanking as well as confiscating my crayons, and surely a one lugged actor was at a disadvantage when it came to auditioning for parts, though if it was body parts on offer, maybe he could audition for a new lug! On the other hand, it could just be that I was getting him mixed up with someone else, which is easy done when your brain cells are popping like corn in a microwave at the prospect of dropping off a cliff in a car that didn't have so much as a sick bag, never mind an air bag.
'I believe that the heart does go on...'
I was well aware that at times my life resembled a disaster movie, but reminding a person of this as they hurtled towards a cliff edge was a bit tactless to my mind. All else aside, I didn't want my heart to go on, not alone anyway, I wanted the rest of me to go with it, and preferably not over a cliff.
"STOP THAT NOISE DANIEL, STOP THAT FRENZIED SINGING AT ONCE!"
Jack's imperious voice, emanating from the mobile phone that was just about superimposed to my left lughole, sliced through my hyper hysteria like an iceberg through the bottom of a large passenger liner full of actors(look, if the Titanic theme is good enough for Kate and Leo, it's good enough for me and my Jack) it was only then I realised that I'd somehow managed to flick the car radio on in my panic stricken flailings.
"LISTEN TO ME DANIEL!"
He seemed a trifle, if not a gateaux, tense, I couldn't think why, after all, he wasn't in a car that was about to bungee jump off a cliff without the benefit of an elastic band.
"THE HAND BRAKE, GRAB THE HAND BRAKE, PULL IT UP!"
Flinging the phone aside I twisted around and grabbed the hand brake, pulling at it with all my strength, while fervently praying to God, Jehovah, Allah and the one-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu. If none of them came up trumps there'd soon be a little marble cross below the cliff being tended to by a broken hearted man, when the tides allowed, naturally.
The car stopped, oh thank amalgamated deities, it stopped, inches from the edge of the cliff. I tried the door, but the _d_a_m_n_ thing still wouldn't budge.
_f_u_c_k_, it was just my luck to be given a reprieve from death and not be able to take advantage of it. My eyes filled with fresh tears, nothing ever worked out for me!
A sudden flash of inspiration, possibly even desperation, spurred me into action.
With my heart fandangoing around my chest like a Latin American ball room dancer with his vitals caught in his zip, I carefully wound down the window and snaked out head first, immensely grateful, for once, for my small stature and slight build. The car gave a spiteful little jerk and with a howl of terror I threw myself forwards onto the rough grass, lying flat, my legs too shaky to hold me up. It was then, in a moment of startling clarity, that it came to me, it's amazing how narrowly escaping death clears the brain, the name of the one eared artist actor who drowned in Titanic, Vincent Van DiCaprio, that was him! Thank heavens I'd remembered, it would have bugged me all day if I hadn't.
Ally and Lily were beside me in seconds, both white faced with fright. I knelt up and Alison grabbed me, screaming lovingly, "what in the name of Stonehenge where you playing at, you cretinous, half witted, idiotic, stupid, mentally deranged, bloody lunatic?"
I was touched by her concern.
"Eeee Danny lad," Lily put a trembling hand to her chest, "I can't take many shocks like that, not at my age."
I couldn't take many more myself. Celine might well believe that the heart goes on, her song certainly bloody did, she was still crooning away, but my heart was just about ready to pull the ejection lever and rocket out through the top of my head, it was knackered with the stress of having me as a body!
"Danny, Daniel, are you there, what's happened, speak to me for God's sake!" Jack's frantic voice floated forth from the car's interior, trying to make itself heard above Celine's cardiovascular warblings which were reaching a titanic crescendo.
My stomach contracted painfully. "Oh my God, Jack, he's still in the car! I'm coming Jack, I'll save you!" I lurched to my feet, only to crash land on my face as Lily and Ally each grabbed an ankle, and screamed my name.
"What?" I crossly glared at them over my shoulder.
"It's just the bloody phone!" they yelled, in perfect harmony, "you're not getting back in that car!"
Suddenly, as if in agreement, the car shuddered and we watched in horror as it rolled slowly forward and plunged over the edge. The noise as it crashed onto the rocks below was horrendous. I couldn't help but feel a teensy bit hurt, it had jumped off a cliff rather than allow me to get back inside it. Then another, more reassuring thought struck me, the car had probably chosen to end it all in preference to having Al drive it all the way home again, yeah, that was it.
We crawled forward and lay on our bellies, looking down at the mangled wreckage far below.
"Oh dear," said Lily, shaking her head slightly, "it doesn't look good."
"It's certainly a bit of a Bugger," said Ally, staring transfixed at what remained of her car, "I'd just hung a new air freshener on the dashboard as well."
"I don't think Kwik Fit will be able to pull off a repair this time Al, I mean, I know they've performed miracles on your gear box before now, but this is just too much."
"Oh I don't know, a bit of welding and it'll be good as new."
I shook my head, "I think you're being a bit overoptimistic there Ally. Bob the mechanic will have a complete mental breakdown if you take that in to him, he's already on pills for his nerves."
It was sad really, I liked Bob, we'd got on alright when I'd been employed as a Saturday helper. I was supposed to tend to the paper work in the office, but I liked to get out into the workshop whenever I could. I hadn't noticed his nervous trouble at first, he'd concealed it so well, but after a few weeks I became aware of his nervous twitch, and the way his hands shook. Fortunately, he got to have a bit of a rest when, after a spate of odd, unexplained accidents and near tragedies, the garage was closed for a short time while the health and safety people investigated. Apparently, they concluded that the garage was over-manned, so regretfully they weren't able to offer me my job back when they reopened. Bob had to take on the paperwork himself.
I was gutted, I'd quite fancied the idea of becoming a grease monkey and my opportunity had gone. Jack had been very supportive and sympathetic, but had said that he suspected I wasn't cut out to be a mechanic. In an effort to prove him wrong, I took apart his car engine and put it back together again, hiding the left over parts in the cupboard under the sink. He'd never have noticed if it hadn't been for that pot hole at the top of Druid's Bank which caused the engine to drop out, career down the hill and crush a milk float.
The milk man was unhurt, by Jack's engine anyway, he was busy delivering a pint of gold top to a voluptuous customer. Unfortunately, the quirky nature of the accident meant it made the local rag, and the voluptuous customer's spouse, after reading it, made some Sherlockian type deductions about what was going on, and proceeded to beat the crap out of the milkman. Sadly, Jack was a bit less than sympathetic about my involvement in this sorry state of affairs, and the only supporting being done was by my hands as they attempted to stop my bottom falling off, after he'd put me over his knee and whacked it several shades of crimson.
"Never mind Ally," I blinked away memories of past things that weren't my fault and gave her a quick hug, "it couldn't have lasted much longer anyway, not the way you drive."
Alison sighed, "I suppose you're right, but it's such a shame, I loved that car, it's the longest I've ever had the same car."
"How long had you had it pet?" asked Lily with interest.
"Five months."
We all froze as a voice rose from below, floating eerily on the air currents: 'And I know that my heart will go on...' Jeez, there was no shutting that bloody woman up, she was determined to have the last word...
"DANIEL!" But then again....
Lily looked at me concernedly, "you'd better phone that poor man the first opportunity you get, he sounds frazzled."
Slowly we made our way back to the jaw bone archway. Ally suddenly smiled at me, "thank heaven you got out Danny, it could have been more than a bit of metal lying twisted, shattered and splattered on those rocks waiting for the sea to wash the remains away."
I stared at her, my sister, the reassuring comfort queen. The strangest feeling swept over me. "Allyeeee!" I wailed, and promptly fainted...
..."I'm gonna die, oh God, oh God, I'm gonna die," the sky whirled slowly back into focus. Someone was gently patting my face.
"Calm down love, it's all over, you're perfectly safe." Lily and Alison helped me sit up.
I moaned, "I don't feel very well!"
"It's just delayed shock Danny," Alison gave me a cuddle, "you'll be fine in a minute or two, take some deep breaths."
I gazed at her tearfully. I felt chilled to the bone, sick and plain ill. "I want Jack," I whimpered pitiably, "I need Jack." He was good for shock was Jack, sort of big, solid and reassuring, it was hard to stay in shock when he put his arms around me. On the down side, I mused, his right hand had often left me and my bottom in a state of deep trauma.
"Hot drink first," said Lily, helping Ally help me to my feet, she gave me a little wink, we'll see about your hot lover later."
A terrible thought suddenly popped into my mind, I tried to evict it, but it wouldn't budge, claiming squatter's rights. I clutched at Alison, wide eyed with panic, "I'm gonna die, Al, I'm gonna die!"
She sighed, rolling her eye heavenward in a long suffering sort of way, "look Danny, get a grip. We've just covered this, so listen, cos I'm not going to say it again: my-car-is-dead-you-killed-it-but-you-are-safe-you-are-nowhere-near-a-cliff-edge!"
I shook my head wildly, "no, no you don't understand," I swallowed, dropping my voice, after picking it up again, I whispered, "I told Jack 'things' in the car when I was sure I was going over the cliff."
"Things?" Alison raised a suspicious eyebrow, "what things?"
I blushed slightly, "I drowned Tristan's cellphone, in the toilet. It was on the bathroom window sill this morning and it rang and I answered it and it was Skel and before I knew it I was cramming it round the u-bend with the toilet brush. I didn't mean to."
"Don't worry," Alison patted my arm soothingly, "stress of facing the funeral compounded by the fact that you'd just washed your hands, it slipped out of your grip, total accident, no one can prove otherwise."
I brightened slightly, "thanks Al."
"What other stuff did you feel the need to unburden from your crowded little conscience?"
"I er, accidentally taped a kipper, three sardines and a mackerel's head under Tristan's bed, it all smells pretty bad, I hoped it would encourage the dear boy to go home. Jack's had two plumbers and the local council investigating the drains both inside and outside the house looking for the cause of the smell."
She didn't hesitate.
"It was an attempt to help the cat rediscover his primal instincts by making him hunt for his food, unfortunately, because the balance of your mind was disturbed due to the trauma of seeing Jack's boss try to eat your friend's pet spider, you completely forgot about doing it, until your life passed before your eyes...next!"
Ally was on a roll and I felt cheered. "I used my credit card, the one Jack confiscated, the one I promised faithfully not to touch until all the outstanding debts were paid off, and ran up a few more. I didn't mean to. I only wanted to buy a little gift for a friend, then I was going to put it back, but once it was actually in my hands, I sort of got carried away and I've always wanted a real diver's watch and it was on offer, and the skis were so smart looking I couldn't resist them, and the tattoo artists gun and inks were a snip, I might be able to set up my own business if I could just find someone to practise on." I paused to take a breath, "oh and I've been kicked out of Uni, at least I think I have, I didn't turn up to either of the meetings arranged to discuss things, I meant to, but with one thing and another..." I trailed off, gazing at her with hopeful expectancy.
"Danny love," Alison smiled, cupping my face in her hands, brushing my fringe back from my eyes in a maternal manner, "I apologise, you were right, I was wrong. You are SO dead, and they won't even have to cremate you, because Jack will put so much heat into your nether regions you'll probably spontaneously combust! Have you any preferences for what flowers you'd like included in your floral tributes?"
I scowled, she can be a right bitch my sister!
The three of us walked around it together, then individually, but no matter which way we walked around the spot where Lily had parked the bike and sidecar, the fact remained; it was empty!
"Thieving bastards," said Lily quietly, then she glanced at Ally and I , saying apologetically, "forgive my bad language dears, but that bike and sidecar were special to me."
To my dismay tears filled her faded eyes and she looked so hurt that I felt rage surge me. "It's not bad enough, not for those kind of scum bags!" I hugged her fiercely. "Do you think it was those two blokes you were talking to, mister hairy arse and his mate?
She nodded, "aye, I reckon so, and they seemed such nice lads. They were very interested in the bike, offered me a good sum of money, but I told them it wasn't for sale. Obviously they were determined to have it by fair means or foul." She ran a hand through her hair, "I thought it was rather un-chivalrous of them not to dash down and help us with Danny, now I know why, they were too busy taking what wasn't theirs." She paused, getting her emotions under control, "I'll have their balls for earrings when I catch up with them! They've even pinched my helmet, I dropped it when you started screaming Alison!"
"Don't worry Lily." Alison's eyes glittered, "we'll get your bike, and your helmet back."
"How Al?"
"Georgie, we'll find Georgie. If anyone knows who that pair are and where they can be found, he will, he'll help us!"
"Do you know where him and Pete are staying?"
"No, but if we go down into the town, there's a few pubs I know that do B B, they're bound to be in one of them."
I suggested that we get the bus down into the town. I wouldn't have minded the walk and then taking the Abbey route down, but I knew that Ally wouldn't appreciate walking down 199 stone steps, not that she'd say so, she'd grit her teeth and do it and be in agony for days. I smiled at my sister, giving a discreet little nod towards Lily, mumbling something about old legs, so that she wouldn't think I was making allowances just for her.
"I suppose you want me to pay your fare?"
She knew alright, but she was going along with it.
"Yes please Al, I'll pay you back, someday."
The bus was packed, evidently it was market day in a nearby town and every pensioner in Whitby had seemingly paid it a visit and were now making their way home complete with purchases. I'd never seen so many wrinkles in the same place, the bus looked like a skin care disaster area, Oil of Olay hadn't figured much in any of these lives, that much was very plain.
Aside from me and Al, there was one other exception to the Darby and Joan rule. A large, chunky youth, wearing a set of headphones that would have graced a radio DJ, was sitting square in the middle of a double seat, knees spread wide, chin thrusting back and forth like a demented water-fowl in time to whatever tune was pounding through his brain.
"Excuse me!" Lily reached out and unceremoniously plucked the headphones from duck boy's bobbing head.
"Oy!" He gave her a filthy look, trying to grab his head phones back.
Lily continued undaunted, "have you got a tree trunk shoved down the front of your trousers young man?"
"Eh?" He looked at her gormlessly.
"A tree trunk, lad, you know, a cylindrical wooden thing? I just wondered if you had such a large log down there that it was preventing you shutting your legs and freeing up a seat for someone else to sit down."
The bus load of oldies erupted in to laughter.
"You could be so lucky eh lad, or mebbee we should call you Moby?" cackled one old dear, who looked old enough to have known Captain Ahab in person, probably even Captain Bird's Eye, in fact she was sprouting so much white hair on her chin that I suspected she was related to the latter. The laughter and comments became distinctly bawdy and I felt my face turn a shade more commonly found on my bum, really some old people shouldn't be allowed out without supervision.
The youth in question blushed a majestic shade of purple, closing his knees together with an audible snap and shuffling up against the window. Lily dropped his headphones on his lap. "I should think so, manners and a thought or two for someone other than yourself cost nothing." She turned to Ally, "sit down love, before you fall down, you look tired out."
Al shook her head proudly, "I'm alright thank you Lily, you sit down."
The situation was solved when a loud voice suddenly boomed from the back of the bus.
"LILY! It is you, Lillian Greenfield as I live and breathe!"
Lily stared at the old guy who was excitedly hailing her from the back seat. Her face suddenly cleared as recognition dawned.
"TED?"
"Aye it's me, come up here ducks. Long time no see!"
"Who is it Lily?"
"Ted Prendergast, an old flame," she paused, then whispered, "not so much a flame as a flicker now by the looks of him, and he used to be a real looker did Ted!" Her face clouded sadly, "bloody hell Danny, the poor devil must have had a shockingly hard paper round to end up looking like that, do I look as old as that?"
I shook my head, whispering back, "you look great Lily, really great, if I was straight, I'd be knocking on your door."
She laughed delightedly, "you're such a sweet lad Danny." Trotting up the bus she squeezed next to Ted and they were soon chatting away.
Lily was right, Alison looked tired out, her face was the colour of milk and there was a slight mist of tears in her eyes. The past weeks of anxiety, and finally finding out she had what she had always dreaded had taken their toll. I felt my own emotions falter, squeezing her shoulder, I whispered, "you'll be alright Ally, I promise. You have to be, otherwise I'll have no one to moan to about Jack, Den always takes his side. If you kick the can I'll be caught like a brat in a trap between two tops. I'll end up boringly sensible, probably turn into an accountant or something."
"Don't worry Dan, I intend to give it my best shot." She gave a determined smile, blocking out whatever thoughts had caused the misting, "bloody daft, but I think the shock of seeing the car plunge over that cliff, and realising you might have been in it, is just catching up with me. Good job I'm not the fainting type, though I might rectify that when I meet up with Den, fainting might be the wisest thing to do then."
"Nah," I grinned cheerfully, "he's just like Jack, he'll wait until you feel better before tearing you off a strip. Anyway, none of it was our fault."
"True," she nodded thoughtfully, "circumstances beyond our control."
I gazed at her silently for a moment before saying, "I don't expect it'll stop Jack doing a bit of bun roasting, he's so un-bendable."
"Unlike you," quipped Alison.
"Ha bloody ha!" I glared at her, "I hope Den takes a leave out of Jack's book!"
She sighed, "Jack probably got the bloody book off Den in the first place, pair of bossy sods, no wonder they palled up!"
As the bus drove along the harbour road, there was a ripple of interest among the passengers. A general assortment of people and police cars as well as the coastguards vehicle, was spread out along the quayside.
"Summat's going on," said the woman with the whiskered chin, as the bus moved slowly past, adding with relish, "mebbee they've spotted another body bobbing about out there. My cousin Fred's neighbour's sister's son was on the boat that recovered that last body, he said it was encrusted in whelks, winkles and mussels, fair turned his stomach it did, they feed on bodies you know. I wouldn't eat a winkle if you paid me, you don't know what they've been munching on."
I felt my own stomach turning in sympathy with the neighbour's sister's son. I hoped there was no body, the thought of some poor sod struggling, drowning and being munched on by crustaceous creatures was upsetting in the extreme. I was terrified of water, being the height I was I got into severe difficulties just stepping in a deep puddle. I couldn't swim, Jack kept threatening to teach me, but so far I'd managed to evade his chlorine overtures.
By the time we got off the bus, daylight was fading and the cold was beginning to intensify. I glanced uneasily around. In the day time the winding alleyways of old Whitby were quaint and interesting, in darkness, they were sinister and rather threatening, I felt disoriented, as if I'd been whisked back in time. I wondered what foul and dastardly deeds had been committed in these very alleyways throughout the years.
For some reason the famed Whitby Hand Of Glory came to mind and I shivered, pressing closer to Ally. I'd seen the grisly relic in a local museum once, the hacked off hand of a gibbeted criminal from which the blood had been squeezed out. It was said that upon occasion the hand went in search of its owner, which was fair enough when you thought about it, what wasn't fair was that en-route to the cemetery to scuff around looking for a body to attach itself to, it slaughtered any unfortunate person it came upon, crawling up their legs and torso to throttle them. It wouldn't have to throttle me, cos I'd take a leaf out of the sick seagull's book and evacuate my bowels before dying of terror the moment it gripped my ankle! "What's the plan?" I asked, glancing nervously about and jiggling from foot to foot to make it harder for the Hand of Glory to get a good hold.
Lily, her arm linked through Ted's, took charge, "you two look done in, before we do anything else you need to get something hot to eat and drink, and you need to telephone them fella's of yours, they'll be worried sick!"
Ted led us towards his local, The Grave Digger's Arms, which he reckoned did a reasonable meal. Pinned under the welcome sign on the heavy doors was a large notice. I read it with interest: NO dirty workers, idle shirkers, Romany hawkers, non-stop talkers, grizzling whingers, sellers of fish fingers, and other horrible snacks touted by blokes carrying wicker baskets! NO recent divorcee's, mentally deranged nutters, or violent head butters, NO holiday photos and NO vegetarians, our pies are jam packed with bits of dead animals! Heavy drinkers welcome! Please do not ask for credit as a knee in the groin often offends.
"It seems like a friendly place Ted, do they get much custom?" asked Alison, straight faced.
Ted laughed, "take no notice of that notice lass, it's just the landlord's little joke."
The Jocular host wasn't on duty and I confess to being a little disappointed, I would have liked to see what the comedic landlord looked like. We sat down at a table and began to peruse the pub grub menu. I scanned it from top to bottom looking for all the things that Jack approved of, I was in luck, there was nothing, everything appeared to be full fat and fried. I ordered a jumbo sausage and double chips, requesting that the smallholding of salad that seemed a requisite part of all pub meals, be left off. I asked for a side order of fried bread and a fried egg to make up for it. It had been a while since I was able to have total control over what I ate and I intended to make the most of it.
Throwing caution to the wind, and checking that Alison had her credit card with her, I also ordered triple chocolate layer cake and banoffi ice cream, Mr Whopper's I noticed, I couldn't wait. Ally ordered a cheese sandwich. I glared at her crossly, "honestly Al you need more than a cheese sandwich, you've got to build your strength up."
She glared back, "I'll need to build my bank account up if you order much more you greedy little sod, Jack would have a whale if he could see what rubbish you've just ordered."
"Cow!"
"There's no need for that Danny," she snapped crisply, "If I told Jack what you just called me he'd wash your mouth out."
"Cow, not whale!" I yelled suddenly losing my rag, "Jack would have a COW if he could see what I ordered, not a bloody whale, and he isn't here so shut up, and," I thrust my chin out aggressively, "you're not having any of my chips when they come! You women are all the bloody same, order some piddling little meal then proceed to stuff your faces with everybody else's chips!"
"Seeing as I'm paying for them, they're as much my bloody chips as they are yours so shut it, you bad tempered bugger, or I'll cancel your order and make you have winkle sandwiches!"
"I'm not bad tempered!" I pouted and crossed my arms, "it's you-you're a grouchy rat bag!"
"I'm entitled to be grouchy," she scowled, "my moronic brother has just driven my car over a cliff!"
"It was an accident," my lower lip was at full projection, I hate it when Ally snipes at me. "and I didn't drive it over, it fell over, and I said sorry."
"Actually you didn't!"
"Sorry, there, I said it!"
"You're a pest that's what you are, if you aren't setting fire to houses, you're wrecking bloody cars."
Lily got up and wandered off leaving Ted looking at us nervously.
"Why are you being so mean to me?" I jabbed an accusatory finger at her, "I nearly died today, you should be nice to me, especially as it was your fault."
"My fault!" Her eyes flashed fire and she poked herself hard in the chest, I hoped she hadn't left a bruise. "How did you make that reality leap, did I push start the bloody car while you were inside it?"
"No, but you parked the sodding thing in a dangerous place, you ought to be more careful!"
"I didn't tell you to go bouncing around in it like a punk rocker with a pogo stick up his...."
"Ahem," Lily returned to the table and cleared her throat, "alright kiddies, time out. I think it's best if you telephone Dennis and Jack now. Fighting with each other is just a way of postponing the inevitable. You're both anxious and they'll both be worried to death." She laid a handful of change on the table. The phone is in the lobby, I've just checked, and it's working."
As I'd phoned Jack first earlier, I thought it only fair that Ally phone Den first this time, at least there were no cliff edges here for her to plunge over. The phone rang for some time before it was answered. Ally said hello, then there was a long gap in which her face registered a myriad of emotions, dismay being prevalent among them.
"How does he sound?" I mouthed at her.
She rolled her eyes and mouthed back, "as mad as a trapped badger."
I listened as she tried to get a word in sideways. "Yes, but De...sorry...but Den...sorry...I can see that Dennis...sorry...air-sea rescue?" Her eyes widened, covering the mouthpiece, she pulled a horrified face and whispered to me, "they alerted the emergency services after hearing the car crash over the cliff."
The pips sounded and I hastily handed her another coin, asking. "How's Jack,?"
She didn't answer, the coin clunked into the box and Dennis continued to bend her ear. "No we didn't think about that....sorry....or the coastguard...sorry...launched the lifeboat too...found the wreckage...and the phone...but no sign of Danny...thought his body had been washed out to sea..." She gulped, "can Danny speak to...sorry, I didn't realise you hadn't finished with me...yes Dennis...sorry... no Dennis...not a muscle...yes Dennis....I won't even blink...we're at the Grave Digger's Arms..." She scowled ferociously, "what do you mean, that's appropriate for what you have in mind?" Then her face brightened slightly and she said softly, "I know Denny, I do know that, and I love you too."
She held out the phone to me, "Dennis wants a word."
I cautiously put the receiver to my ear, it felt red hot. "Hi Den, are you having a nice...yes, I'm shutting up already Dennis...sorry...I know trouble does seem to follow me doesn't it?" My lip quivered slightly as he scorched my eardrums, "but Deniiiis, it NEVER is my fault! Is Jack there?...He's busy!" I pouted slightly, too busy to talk to me, his beloved who had almost plunged from a cliff into the swirling sewage that represented the north sea! "Busy doing what....Breathing into a brown paper bag, why?"
My eyes widened and my heart began to thump as Dennis told me why Jack was busy breathing into a brown paper bag. "Hyperventilating!"
I felt my eyes fill with tears, my poor sweet Jack. "Is it the shock of thinking I was dead Den?"
The blood drained from my face at his reply and I gulped. "Give him my love...NO, leave him in his paper bag Den, I'll talk to him later when he's breathing normally again...yes...bye!" I hurriedly slammed the phone down.
"Don't worry love," Ally put an arm around me, "he'll be fine, especially now he knows you're not dead, the shock of hearing that car go over the cliff and thinking you were in it must have been awful. Poor Jack."
I looked at her gloomily, "Apparently, at the precise moment you phoned, he'd just been informed that the search for me was being called off until first light tomorrow, and, according to Den, he went ballistic. He was in process of being wrestled to the ground by half the Yorkshire constabulary, in order to prevent him taking a boat out himself to search for me, when Den gave him the glad tidings. Hearing that I'm alive and well and cosily ensconced in a public house sent him into orbit.... he's hyperventilating with RAGE, not grief!"
Alison draped her arm sympathetically around my shoulder as we made our way back to Lily and Ted. "Man, your arse is toast!"
My buttocks shuddered at her words and I glared at her sullenly, sometimes my sister can be a right bitch!
And yes, sorry and all that, but as usual...TBC.*
Will Jack stop hyperventilating in time for the next episode? Will the Whitby Hand Of Glory make an attempt on Danny's life, or is it more likely to be Jack's Hand Of Vengeance visiting a certain part of our hero's anatomy? Will they find Georgie and recover the motorbike and sidecar? God knows, but then he would wouldn't he, being God and all...unfortunately the author is only human, as recent tests confirmed, and, as yet, has no answers;)