The first time I ever saw Sam, he was surrounded by an audience, no, he wasnt an actor, he was, I suspected, some kind of manic, having an episode in Woolworths of all places. Slim, fair haired, five foot eight or thereabouts, wearing dark glasses and dressed in faded black jeans, and a checked shirt that had seen better days, he was dancing and singing along to a track from the greatest hits of The Animals, a group that preceded him by several decades. It was obviously the disc currently on sales promotion that week. I think it was fair to say that Eric Burdon, being a tough Tyneside lad, would never have dreamed of strutting his stuff in quite the way Sam was doing.
The audience in question were loving it, after all, it wasnt every day you got a bona fide nutter making an exhibition of themselves in a public store, and doing it rather well. Sam had a pleasant voice and a rather nice way of moving, and on a Saturday morning, it made the weekend worth getting up for, certainly from my point of view, he was _d_a_m_n_ cute.
Only, I frowned slightly, having had a sister who performed similar acts in public when the mood took her, I was horribly aware that such highlights were sometimes followed by lows of suicidal magnitude. That being the case, any entertainment value was tempered by concern and a certain wariness.
My sister had finally ended her life in a quiet beauty spot which she had driven to in lieu of work. For reasons known only to herself, which no doubt seemed logical to her at the time, she locked all the doors of her car, doused herself in petrol and struck a match. The coroner had decreed that the dental records were sufficient to identify her and we had buried what amounted to her cremated remains beneath a headstone that bore her name, and dates of birth and death.
My parents and older sister were devastated, and so was I, but curiously we all experienced a kind of peace as we laid her in the grave. My father had grasped my hand and said quietly, shes at rest now and then hed wept, not because she was dead, but because hed never been able to give her rest in her lifetime, and it hurt to his soul that only death could offer peace to his youngest daughter.
I often thought that the dates of her birth and death should have been the same, after all, she was what she was from the day she was born, and had not chosen to be afflicted by what amounted to periodic bouts of seeming insanity. Her fate was sealed within her genetic make up. In her lucid moments Suze was sweet, funny, caring and loving. In her worst moments she was utter poison, vicious, with a tongue like barbed wire and a dangerous temper. I had seen her floor men three times her height and build, simply because they had accidentally crossed her at the wrong moment in her mood cycle. She had been an enigma, and so, in his way, was Sam.
The enigma in question was about to be moved on by two thickset security guards who obviously didnt appreciate him being enigmatic on the shop floor they patrolled. It probably contravened some code of shoppers conduct... thou shalt not be enigmatic on the premises of a public limited company during opening hours.
Alright son, one of them reached out a paternal paw to grasp Sams arm.
Sam, being higher than a kite in a cyclone, chose, I use the word deliberately, Sam was in a very excited state, but he was still lucid. He chose, much to the delight of the onlookers, to interpret the gesture as a desire on the part of the guard to dance with him. Enthusiastically flinging both arms around his neck, he planted a smacking kiss on the mans cheek and loudly declared, darling, of course Ill dance with you. Im OUT too, lets be OUT together!
The guard flushed a shade of puce that I have yet to see reproduced on any paint colour chart and tried desperately to disentangle himself from the arms of his would be amorous dance partner. Sam clung to him like a limpet to a rock, steadfastly refusing to be dislodged. The audience were really enjoying the free show and I must confess to being amused myself at the expression on the security officers face.
His co-worker, much relieved that his mate and not him was the object of the lunatics apparent desires, quipped, Youll be alright there Harry, I think pansy boy fancies you! The smile was soon wiped from his face as the person in charge of the music, obviously someone with a misguided sense of humour, changed the disc and Queens Fat Bottomed Girls rang out.
Sam gave an affected high pitched squeal of joy, screeching, Oh, I LOVE Queen, DARLING we must dance to this...you too fat boy, lets tone that flab. Reaching out he grabbed the second guard and pulled him into the arena, so to speak. Provocatively thrusting his hips forward into the groin of one guard and his bottom back into the groin of the other, Sam attempted to out-sing and out-innuendo Freddie himself:
Oh, you gonna take me home tonight, oh, down beside that red firelight, oh you gonna let it all hang out...
He was playing to his audience for all he worth; camping it up outrageously. The red faced guards were starting to lose their cool and when Sam suddenly brandished one of their wallets, which hed expertly lifted from a pocket, things got decidedly ugly.
Flat on the floor, his arm twisted up high behind his back to immobilise him, Sam started to panic, cursing and struggling in vain to free himself. There was a tone in his voice that I recognised from experiences with my sister when she was restrained by nursing staff who had missed their vocation as concentration camp officers; fear was beginning to replace excitement.
Theres no need for that, let him up. Before I knew it, Id invited myself to the party.
This is nothing to do with you mate, so beat it! The guard holding Sams arm up behind his back, tightened his grip causing him to let rip with another torrent of screamed obscenities. Sam was getting really frightened, he felt trapped and if the dickhead yanking his arm out of its socket didnt watch it, hed get more than he bargained for.
The other guard began making noises about calling the police and I nodded saying loudly, actually, I think the police are a good idea, youre aware of course that youve committed an assault against this young man. Im sure all these good people would be willing to testify to that. Three quarters of the good people immediately melted away, but the few who remained seemed in agreement. I of course had absolutely no idea of what legal ground, if any, I stood on. After all Sam was making a public nuisance of himself and he had lifted someones wallet even if he had done it as a joke.
He was only having a laugh and larking about, said a girl with phlegm coloured hair and a studded tongue, which clacked against her upper teeth as she spoke, didnt mean no harm, leave him alone.
There was a murmur of agreement.
Besides, I said, lowering my voice and jumping in with my unconfirmed theory, I think he might have a mental health problem, so calling the police would be pointless. At those words a certain look crossed the mens faces, Id seen it all before, fear, contempt. The guard holding Sams arm dropped it as if it were infectious.
Get him out of here. Bloody loonies let loose in the community, shouldnt be allowed, ought to be locked up, away from decent folk.
I bent down and helped Sam to his feet. Bouncing back like a rubber ball, he gave me a heart stopping smile, brushed himself down, adjusted his glasses and with an extravagant, and very lewd thrusting of his pelvis, sang along with the song currently in play, Im a _s_e_x_ machine ready to reload, like an atom bomb ready to oh-oh-oh-explode...
Come on show queen, I grabbed his arm and dragged him towards the exit. He sang all the way, ceasing only as we reached the doors to blow kisses to the small knot of spectators still watching and to yell at the security men, see you later, big-boys.
There was a ripple of laughter and a burst of applause which Sam adored and which spurred him into behaving more even outrageously. Im game if you are boys, he shouted, hands on hips, Mae West style, show me your two way radio, and Ill show you mine, we can fiddle with each others knobs.
Move it mister, I propelled him hurriedly through the automatic doors and out onto the street as the furious guards moved purposefully towards us. He suddenly pulled away from me leaping agilely on top of the large, black municipal litter bin that stood outside the shop. I groaned as he began reciting the Friends, Romans, Countrymen, speech from Julius Caesar. I tugged at the leg of his jeans, Whats your name?
Antony of course, he said breaking off to stare down at me, havent you read Julius Caesar? Tell you what darling, Ill cast you a role, you can be the third plebeian, or the fourth if you prefer, have you learned your lines, not that it matters, improvise darling, improvise.
Okay Antony, I lost patience, as well as catching sight of the security people from the corner of my eye, they were just waiting for a chance to pounce, its time for you to start behaving yourself. Reaching up I grabbed his hand, yanked him from the bin and began dragging him, protesting, across the road.
We were just starting to get an audience, now youve spoiled it. I was bringing culture to the ignorant masses.
Be quiet, I scowled fiercely at him, or Ill take you back to Woolworths and hand you over to those two ignorant Alsatians to tear apart.
He pouted, but made no attempt to free himself from my grasp. Where are we going?
Home.
Whose home?
Yours.
My, but you do move fast...cheeky, inviting yourself to look at my etchings and us virtual strangers. How do you know where I live anyway; have you been stalking me, you bad boy?
I stifled a compulsion to gag him and said patiently, I dont know where you live, but when we get to my car, youre going to tell me, then Im going to drive you there.
What if I refuse, he puckered his lips coquettishly, will you put me under torture, pluck my eyebrows, paint my nails, perm my hair, pierce my naval?
I couldnt help but laugh. No, of course not.
Oh, shame, I could do with a makeover.
The smile he turned on me was truly enchanting and my stomach performed a small somersault. Whats your real name? I unlocked the car and he slid easily into the front passenger seat.
Sam, but my friends call me Sam. He rummaged in the glove compartment withdrawing my work diary and flicking through it nonchalantly.
Give me that! I snatched it out of his hands and flung it on the back seat.
He turned his attentions to rifling through my CD collection, asking, whats your name?
Colin.
Are you married?
No.
Divorced?
No.
Living with someone?
No.
Seeing someone?
NO!
You poor thing, he grabbed my right hand, kissed it, then stroked it, I hope youre not overworking this little fellow, dont want repetitive strain injury do we darling?
I blushed, I actually blushed, he was outrageous! Snatching my hand away, I slammed the car door and walked round to the drivers side and climbed in.
Well Colin, he flicked a derisory finger towards my discs, if you and I are going to start dating youll have to woo me with some better music than this. Darling, Im just not into classical.
Sam, I said, feeling suddenly very weary, tell me your address, so I can get you off the streets, and, incidentally, we are NOT going to start dating.
He folded his arms, I suppose Ill just have to get used to it.
Get used to what? I looked at him in puzzlement.
The classical crap darling, I suppose I could get used to it, when we start dating.
You wont have to get used to it, because we are not going to start dating, apart from anything else, Im straight.
Dont be silly darling, of course youre not, and you fancy me, I can tell.
You can tell no such thing. I said waspishly; he really was an exasperating creature.
I can so, and anyway, you came to my rescue, my knight, he clapped his hands over his heart and said breathily, my hero. I pledge my life to thee, body and soul, do what you like with the soul darling, but be gentle with the body, its fragile. Have you filed your nails lately?
Stop arsing about and give me your address.
Not until you agree to take me out.
I leaned across him and opened the car door, right, thats it, get out, just go Sam, go on!
Okay, he swung his legs out of the car, but Im going to go right back into town and goad those gorillas into beating me up and having me arrested. Ive been arrested for public affray three times this month already, I expect Ill go down this time. Ill get horribly brutalised in prison by people who use soap for anything but washing, and itll be all your fault.
I had the strongest conviction that he meant exactly what he said. I doubted hed get sent to prison, but, all the same, I didnt like the idea of him being beaten up, or arrested. Against my better judgement I sharply told him to shut the car door.
With me on the inside or the outside?
INSIDE! I yelled. I wasnt normally given to bouts of explosive shouting, but really, hed try the patience of a Buddhist monk!
No need to shout duckylove, Im not deaf.
I narrowed my eyes, Ive known you for barely half an hour and already I want to kill you. Give me your address or Ill give in to my violent urges and THROTTLE you, and incidentally, DROP the Larry Grayson act!
Im beginning to regret agreeing to go out with you Colin darling, youve got a pithy tongue and a bit of a temper. Still, none of us are perfect and Im willing to give you a chance, youve got nice eyes, both the same colour too, has anyone ever told you?
Address? My teeth were gritted so hard I feared for the enamel.
When are you taking me out?
This evening.
Time?
Seven thirty.
Where are we going, casual or formal, do I need to polish my tiara and get my tux out of moth balls?
Cinema and a meal afterwards.
He smiled, casual, thank God! I havent got any moth balls, let alone a tux. I have got a faux diamond tiara though, I look absolutely adorable in it, Ill model it for you sometime; if youre very good.
Sam? I jumped in as he paused for breath, I was beginning to feel hysterical.
What darling?
Shut up, or Ill lock you in the boot, now, Ive struck my end of the bargain, give me your address.
Bargain darling? You make me sound like something you picked up cheap in the sales, good job Im not easily offended. I dont let just anyone drag me out of Woolworths you know, especially when Im on the verge of scoring a hot double date, Starsky and Hutch were beginning to waver, Im sure of it, another few minutes and...
Catching the dangerous gleam in my eye, he cut himself short and gave me his address. I heaved a sigh of relief. Killer smile or not, I had absolutely no intention of turning up for the date. This voluble young man was big trouble, and I liked an uncomplicated life. I glanced at him, seatbelt please.
He ran a finger along my seat belt, saying, there it is sweetheart, youre already wearing it, I saw you clunk click with my very own eyes.
Resisting an urge to rip his head off, I snarled, I meant YOUR seat belt, fasten it!
I never wear a seatbelt darling, creases my shirt.
Your shirt is already creased, now fasten that seatbelt.
Nope, dont like. He folded his arms and shook his head.
I could feel my blood pressure approaching levels requiring medication. Unbuckling my seat belt and getting out of the car, I marched round to the passenger side, flinging open the door I leaned in, grabbed the seatbelt and buckled it around him. The moment I closed the door he un-clicked it.
With a hiss of fury I flung the door back open, fasten that seat belt mister, or..or.. our date is off, I mean it Sam. I quelled a pang of guilt at using the fictitious date as a blackmail tool, telling myself that accidents happened and I didnt want to see him flying through the windscreen for lack of a seat belt. All else aside it was a requirement of law, I almost said that to him, but somehow I suspected that not only would it be a waste of breath, it would be an added attraction for him not wearing one.
He looked thoughtful for a moment, then fastened the seat belt. Giving me his beautiful smile, he pointed both index fingers forwards and said, home Jeeves and dont spare the horses.
It was horrible. I gazed at the dilapidated building in dismay, this is where you live?
He nodded. Home sweet home, my very own Ivory Towers, he un-popped his seat belt, come and have a coffee with me, dont worry, he caught the expression on my face, the place was recently fumigated.
There was a sudden anxious note in his voice and I found myself agreeing to his offer, although the only thing I really wanted to do was drive away. At least if I had a coffee with him, Id know he was actually home, and hopefully hed stay there until he was feeling less need to be the centre of attention in a way that was guaranteed to land him in bother.
I followed him into the building and up the stairs to his fifth floor flat, the lifts, typically, were not working. The building was even worse inside than it was outside; run down and scruffy, graffiti, most of it obscene, adorning the lobby walls. He inserted his key into the lock of a battered door where someone had spray painted the words: Queers out, queer nutters especially out! Underneath it, someone else had sprayed, Sam I suspected, Darlings, we ARE out, and it takes a nutter to know a nutter, so _f_u_c_k_ off!
_s_h_i_t_! The key refused to open the door and Sam kicked at it, yelling furiously, let me in you evil _f_u_c_k_er!
There was no reply and Sam kicked the door again, which did nothing to improve its appearance. Bastard, hes bolted it, Ill be stuck out here all day while he shags his scabby boyfriend gormless, He raised his voice, shouting, not that itll take long, cos hes _f_u_c_k_ing gormless to start with!
Whos he?
The sour faced stoat that I share the flat with.
Look Sam, Im sorry, I glanced at my watch, but Ive got to be going, will you be okay?
He nodded. Taking his dark glasses off for the first time, he hooked them in the open collar of his shirt and gazed at me. I restrained, or at least I hoped I did, a start of surprise, as I saw that his wide set eyes were different colours.
Lowering his heavy lashes, he leaned his back against the wall and slid down it to sit on the dirty floor, drawing his knees up under his chin. Ill be okay, hes always doing this, hell let me in later. He plucked at the beginnings of a hole in the knee of his jeans and said softly, youre going to stand me up tonight arent you?
He looked suddenly tired, and young and oh so painfully vulnerable. I swallowed hard and squatted down beside him, Sam, Im so sorry, but youre just not my type, youre too young for me. I just wanted to get you off the street and safely home before you landed yourself in trouble.
Im older than I look, he gazed at me eagerly from those strange eyes, Im twenty four, thats not too young.
It is for me, I like men more my own age, Im thirty five.
He scowled, its my eyes isnt it, they repel you?
I shook my head, it isnt your eyes, your eyes are...well it isnt them. I was going to say, oddly attractive, but stopped myself, because it didnt sound right, and he might take exception to the word odd.
If my eye offend thee pluck it out, he misquoted dramatically, go on, he thrust his face towards me, pick a colour, any colour and pluck out the one you dont like, then I can wear a patch and you can date me. Id look quite dashing with a patch, I could pretend to be a pirate. Ill show you my cutlass. He giggled.
Stop it Sam, youre being silly, its nothing to do with your eyes. I just dont want to date you! I took a deep breath, are you on medication of some kind and if so are you using it properly?
Who the _f_u_c_k_ are you to think I need medication? He decided to be offended.
Dont adopt that tone with me Sam, I meant no offence and you know it. You remind me of someone thats all, do you, or do you not take medication?
Sometimes, he looked away from me.
What do you mean sometimes?
When I remember, and when I feel like taking it, Im not always in the mood. Sometimes I just want to feel good for a while.
You need to take your meds regularly, they dont work otherwise, take them for your own sake. As well as everybody elses, I thought privately.
Keeping his head turned away from me, he executed a Scottish accent, and just who are you to be handing out medical advice, doctor Findlay or what?
It doesnt need a doctor to state the obvious Sam, I stood up, take care of yourself, I really have to go. I walked away down the dingy hall. When I reached the stairs, something compelled me to look back. He was watching me, arms folded on top of his knees, head resting lightly against them. He fluttered his fingers in a little gesture of farewell, it was probably just the light, but for a moment, I thought I detected a gleam of tears in his eyes
I got on with the business of living my life and strived to put him out of my mind, though a glimpse of faded jeans and a checked shirt always set my heart rate ticking over a little faster, until I saw that it wasnt him. For quite a few weeks after my encounter with Sam, I always seemed to need another CD to add to my collection, and would spend some considerable time going through what was on offer in Woolworths. I saw the security guards, who thankfully didnt spare me a second glance, but no Sam. On some peculiar and irrational whim, I bought the Animals record, and Queen, slipping then amongst the Mozarts and Beethovens without ever actually playing them.
Eventually, as the weeks passed, I stopped thinking about him altogether, or at least on a daily basis. He strayed into my thoughts from time to time. Soon hed just be another memory stored deep within my brain, something that would surface at odd moments, perhaps in a dream, or years down the line when something, some flash of colour, or the snatch of a song would trigger remembrance of a beautiful smile, and a fresh faced young man with unusual eyes, and maybe then Id experience a stab of regret at that missed date. I put down the stabbings I already had to indigestion and pressure of work. All my instincts told me that Id done the right thing in not getting involved with Sam, but a flicker of regret still lingered in my heart.
On a dew kissed morning in late May, I opened my front door to pick up the milk from the doorstep, and found a half empty milk bottle...and Sam.
He was curled up tight, fast asleep. He was a little thinner than I remembered and a little more unkempt, the tiny hole in the knee of his jeans had grown up into a full sized rip. He was wearing his sunglasses and tucked under his arm was a shabby old teddy bear, a bear with one green eye and one bright blue, just like him.
The glasses hid Sams own eyes, but did nothing to conceal the bruising on the rest of his face, or the partially healed cut on his lower lip. Bending I gently shook the sleeping figure to wakefulness. Sam mumbled, and tried to turn over, obviously thinking he was in a bed and rolling off the door step in the process. He uttered an expletive and sat up, gazing at me through his Polaroids. Colin darling, you look like hell, those pyjamas are shatteringly awful, did your mother buy you them for Christmas? Still, at least its remedial.
Something, some streak of insanity, prevented me from slamming the door in his face there and then. I pointed towards the hall, and, through teeth that were already beginning to grit, said, get inside, now.
Well darling, I must say Ive had more gracious invitations; we really must work on your social niceties. He stood up, rather stiffly, handed me my half drunk bottle of milk, and added, now were living together, youll have to start ordering orange juice, the sweetened kind, I dont care for milk. Stepping over the threshold, he trotted down the hall.
As I stared after him, the oddest feeling crept over me, it was the culmination of a feeling that had been born on that March morning, March the fifteenth to be precise, in Woolworths when Id first set eyes on him.
Beware the ides of March, the soothsayers famous warning from Julius Caesar, the play that Sam had quoted from, suddenly came to mind.
FATE an ice chill ran down my spine. God help me, I had been fated to meet Sam; cruel lady providence had obviously decided to weave him into the cloth of my destiny!
I glanced up and down the street to see if anyone had noticed that I had destiny, as well as milk on my doorstep that morning. They were a very conservative bunch around here, jealous too, the gossip could get ugly. For example, my hydrangea, for reasons known only to God and nature, was blue as opposed to the customary pink in these parts and I was still shunned by her at number seventeen on account of it. I was sure she suspected me of dabbling in the black arts. Closing the front door, I headed quickly for the kitchen where, from the sounds of it, Sam was making himself right at home. Hed changed the radio station from Three to One and turned the volume to deafening. Her at number seventeen would surely be poking a note expressing disapproval through my letter box if he turned it up much louder.
He was all but physically inside my fridge like a human Garfield, poking around its contents and muttering.
Suddenly I very much doubted that I was ready for destiny! I firmly resolved to fight it all the way, after all, the Gods of Olympus were powerless now...werent they? I was not subject to their quirky and cruel whims...was I?
Sit down, switching off the radio, I steered him out of the fridge towards the kitchen table, plonking him onto a chair. Are you always so forward when you get invited into someones home for the first time?
Yes, he nodded, no point in being shy is there darling? I mean you and I are going to be living together, and I have to tell you that Im going to take over the shopping. Colin dearest, your fridge is full of achingly dreary crap.
Sam, I leaned over to remove his sunglasses, which I though were something of an unnecessary accessory for wearing in a kitchen that didnt get the sun first thing on a morning, we are not living together.
I paused, arrested by the full extent of the damage to his face. His left eye was swollen closed, his right only half open. There was a general spread of bruising around his face, and encrusted blood around his nostrils. What really appalled and frightened me was that the bruising wasnt fresh, it was yellowing, tinged sickly green here and there. If his face looked this bad after several days, God knows what it had looked like before. I just stared, feeling slightly nauseous.
Striking a simpering pose, chin resting on the back of his hands, he said, do you like my new image darling, its so me, dont you think, sort of Rocky meets Mike Tyson?
Suddenly the abused little face crumpled, tears began to trickle out of the swollen mess of his eyes. He grasped at my hands, I didnt know who else to turn to, I memorised your address, when I flicked through your diary that day you took me home. Please, let me stay, just for a while. Ill be good I promise, I wont bother you, and Ill let you have _s_e_x_ with me, anyway you want, Im very flexible.
I was suddenly very angry, angry at whoever had done this to him, angry with him for getting himself into a position where it could happen and angry at his self mockery and the offering of himself as an inducement. It must have shown in my face because he let go of my hands and slumped back in his chair.
Sorry, he tried to wipe his eyes and nose with the sleeve of his shirt. I must look a disgusting mess, no wonder you dont want to sleep with me.
For God sakes Sam, I barely know you! Do you offer yourself so freely to every man you meet? Locating a box of tissues I gave them to him.
Not EVERY man darling, Im not a complete slut you know, and I do know how to take precautions, look! He reached into his pocket and brought forth a handful of condoms, slapping them onto the table. Every colour of the rainbow there darling, surely one will take your fancy, a little hint, I look magnificent in blue?
Put them away and behave yourself. I took the answer, and the gesture, for what it was, an attempt to recover his cheeky panache.
Sorry, plucking a couple of hankies from the box, he dabbed at his nose and eyes. It obviously hurt and the tears gushed faster.
I soaked a face flannel in cool water and wrung it out, carefully wiping it over his battered face. He gave me a ghost of his stunning smile, and trivial and shallow though it sounds I was pleased to note that none of his teeth appeared to be damaged.
Tell me what happened, I said quietly after patching him up as best I could, and setting a warm drink before him.
Look Colin, Jon picked up a tea towel and began to dry the dishes, Ive known you for years, youre my closest friend and I hope you wont be angry, but Im telling you, that little boy is a bloody world class pest. Hes taking a big lend of you.
I sighed heavily as I washed and put another plate in the drainer. As far as Sunday lunches went, it had been an uncomfortable and stressful one and I was relieved it was over. Im really sorry about today Jon. Sam was even worse than usual and I wouldnt have blamed you for walking out. I think he acts like that to cover the fact that hes really quite shy and nervous.
Jon gave a beautiful snort, it would have graced a racehorse. Shy, my left buttock! Hes a brat, a selfish, manipulative monster who revels in being the centre of attention. He loves winding people up! He rubbed the tea towel across the plate so vigorously that I feared for the pattern. Im telling you Colin, if he picks my pocket one more time I swear to God Im going to wring his neck! He halted in his attempt to erase the pattern from my Staffordshire English tableware to glare at me and demand. Are you sleeping with him?
The abruptness of the question startled me, I flushed slightly. No. I told you, hes only staying here until he finds a new flat. He got beaten up and kicked out of his last place because his flat mate wanted his boyfriend to move in.
Hmm, thats what he tells you. I dont believe it for a moment. He saw you as a soft touch from the moment he met you and set out to get his foot in the door.
I couldnt leave him on the street Jon, I placed more dishes on the drainer, feeling suddenly defensive of Sam, not in the state he was in. Im just helping out a fellow human being. Jon snorted again, I wondered if perhaps he was developing an allergy.
Who are you trying to fool Colin, because youre not fooling me.
He polished the plate thoughtfully for a few moments. I waited, knowing from experience that he was mulling something over, and that in due course hed share it.
He gazed at me solemnly. Youre besotted with that aggravating young man. Ive seen the way you look at him, and he all but throws himself at you, so why hasnt anything happened?
I shrugged, Im physically attracted to him, I wont deny it, but Im not a fool Jon. A relationship with someone like Sam is not something to be considered lightly. I dont know whether I could cope with him, its hard enough just having him around as a house guest. Hes only been here two weeks and already hes wreaked havoc, the neighbours detest him, my family hate him, and you and Kit are practically the only two friends who havent been scared off by his insults and rudeness. I paused, by the way, Kit is still speaking to me isnt he?
Jon patted my shoulder, of course he is. He really does have a bad headache, poor boy, thats the only reason he didnt come today. He prefers to be alone when he has a migraine. I left him safely tucked up in a darkened room
Task over, I made coffee and we sat down to chat in peace. It didnt last long. We both jumped as Sam flounced crossly into the kitchen.
Very cosy, Im sure. Is this a private conversation or can anyone join in? Dragging out a chair he made a show of flopping down on it. Its a bit rude just leaving me sitting all alone, and I notice you didnt offer me a cup of coffee.
You said you were watching television, especially when I mentioned helping with the washing up, I said evenly, and you dont like coffee.
You could have offered me something else, tea, coke, milk, water... Sam suddenly squinted. Shading his eyes with his hands he stared hard at Jon, Jon darling, could you possibly turn your chair away from the window, only the sun keeps glancing off your folically challenged scalp and its dazzling me.
Sam! I glared at him, embarrassed by his rude remark; just one of many hed made at Jons expense that day.
Actually young man, Jon fixed Sam with a cold look, this IS a private conversation so kindly go away.
Sam smirked annoyingly, making no effort to move, dont fret my pet, I wont repeat a single syllable that I hear. Im the very epitome of discretion, isnt that right Colin my loveliness?
Just go away Sam, please.
He pursed his lips, blowing me a mocking kiss, you want me to stay really, go on admit it.
My temper flared, getting abruptly to my feet, I took a firm hold of his elbow and levered him out of his chair. Propelling him across the kitchen I thrust him into the hall. Go to your room Sam, I said sharply, then hesitated, adding, or out for a walk, just find something, anything to do. This is MY house and I want some space and privacy without you crowding me and being obnoxious to my friends. Im sick and tired of you and your snide remarks.
He rubbed his arm in an exaggerated manner. Fine, if thats how you feel, Ill take my offensive, unwanted presence elsewhere! Snatching his sunglasses from the hall table he stormed out slamming the front door behind him.
Dont start feeling guilty.
Jon read me like a book as soon as I walked back into the kitchen. He continued.
If youd gone with your natural instincts, youd have dealt with that properly. You almost did, but you stopped yourself. He took a thoughtful swig of coffee, if Kit had behaved a tad as badly as Sam has today, I wouldnt have given him any options. Id have put him in his room full stop, after paddling him until he couldnt sit down.
He set his mug down and smiled at me gently. Sam wants you Colin, but hes greedy, he wants all of you. He doesnt want to share you in any way, thats why hes alienating your friends, cutting down the competition. May I give you some advice?
I sat back down, trying to blink away the memory of the hurt look on Sams face as hed stormed out, will anything I say stop you doing so?
Jon laughed and gave me a small wink, nope, youre going to be advised whether you like it or not. He took a deep breath. Get rid of him Colin. Hes bad news. Pack his stuff, today, and tell him to get on his way, then forget you ever met him.
A current of shock ran through me at his words. I hadnt expected such stark advice, it wasnt what I wanted to hear. My stomach lurched unpleasantly.
Leaning across the table Jon placed his index finger under my chin and gently closed my mouth. No...I didnt think you wanted to hear advise like that. In that case, he leaned back in his chair, make up your bloody mind whether or not youre willing to commit to a full relationship with that boy, because anything half hearted just wont do. If the answer is yes, then do something about it. State your intentions and then take him in hand. I know you can do it Colin, follow your natural instincts. Give him attention, but on your terms, not his, or hell take you both to hell. I cant honestly say I like Sam, but I like you, and if you decide to try and make a go of things with him, you can count on my support.
I stared at him silently...make a go of things with Sam? It would be tantamount to making a pact with the devil. Was I ready to sell my soul?
Jon once again read my mind with startling accuracy.
Your soul is already sold, he said dryly, Ive seen the look on your face when Lucifer smiles at you.
The doorbell rang stridently and I jumped. Sam no doubt, he was always forgetting his key. I stood up.
Destiny calling Colin, Jon gave me an odd little look, are you going to embrace or reject it?
I said nothing, still uncertain of the answer. Rising to my feet I went to open the door.
Why cant you remember to take your...oh, sorry, I halted, frozen to the spot by the icy glare of her at number seventeen.
Your lunatic lodger, she ground out between clenched teeth, it was funny how Sam had that affect on peoples dental fixings, is paddling in my ornamental fish pond, and if you dont come and get him out, Im going to call the police!
I groaned, offered profuse apologies, and decided there and then, that the only thing I really wanted to embrace was Sams throat with my hands...very, very tightly!
But darling, Sam, wading around amongst a throng of bemused goldfish, grinned gleefully at me. You told me to find something to do, so I did, come on in, the waters divine, and the little fishies tickle!
He splashed us playfully, and I reminded myself that murder still carried a heavy penalty, though in this case I doubted a jury in the land would convict me! Mindful of the baleful eye of Mrs number seventeen boring holes of hatred into me, I hurriedly picked up his discarded socks and shoes and grabbed a hold of him.
Bye, he waved cheerily to her as I dragged him down the street, thanks for the pool party, we must do it again sometime, it was just ducky! Just one word of advice darling...that lipstick...it might look good on a corpse, but not on you...give it up dear!
Thrusting him into the house I banged the door behind us. Why must you do things like that?
Sam scowled at me, I was keeping out of your precious space wasnt I, thats what you wanted?
You knew shed come for me, it was just another way of annoying me, I ran my hand through my hair, why cant you behave... I broke off.
He gave a sly grin, normally...isnt that what you were going to say?
properly, decently, I snapped, instead of like a total brat! He blew me one of his mocking kisses and I turned and walked away before the urge to slap him overcame me.
Jon looked at me seriously as I explained what had happened. You should have let her call the police. You didnt have to get involved, after all, hes not your responsibility...is he?
I shrugged.
Jon patted my shoulder sympathetically as he took his leave, make up your mind Colin, before he drives you round the bend.
I watched him drive off wishing I was a passenger in his car.
Has stock cube man gone then darling?
Sam tripped back into the room where I was sitting hunched over a book, although Id read the same paragraph about six times and still hadnt taken in a word of it. He flung himself on the couch beside me, swinging his legs up and plonking his feet on my lap. I pushed them off and glared at him, quelling the small surge of excitement that always occurred at any physical contact with him. Stock cube man, what do you mean?
Oh come on, you know what I mean, your friend Jon. Darling hes so square hes got corners! What do you see in him and his dull little sub? Where was pussy boy today by the way, at the vets?
Kit, his name is Kit as well you know, and what I see in them is loyalty and good friendship, concepts that are obviously alien to you, along with courtesy and notions of appropriate behaviour!
Oooh...got our claws unsheathed today, havent we duckylove? He gave me a cheeky smirk, lack of _s_e_x_, thats what it is, its making you bitter, why dont we go upstairs and make you sweet again?
Closing my book with a snap I reached forward and picked up Saturdays local newspaper from the coffee table, handing it to him. Ive been checking the paper for accommodation, theres two or three likely prospects there. Ive ringed them for you, make sure you check them out tomorrow.
Next day, he bought me flowers, a huge bunch of star gazer lilies, which he arranged beautifully in a pale green vase, setting them beside my bed. I was rather touched, bending to inhale their perfume. I sensed him watching me, turning to find him standing in the bedroom doorway. He smiled, one of his real smiles, uncluttered by malicious mischief. My stomach gave a familiar little jump of pleasure, and I sternly reminded it that Sam was a first class nuisance and didnt deserve its allegiance!
I just wanted to say sorry about yesterday, I was a real pain.
Yes, I nodded agreement, you were obnoxious, it would be nice if you apologised to Jon, as well as her at number seventeen...thank you for the flowers, theyre lovely. Telling my stomach to keep a hold of its emotions I hardened myself and asked, did you check out those flats?
To give Sam his due he had indeed checked them out, and apparently, by the time hed finished checking them out, the prospective flat mates were his mortal enemies. One had even threatened to take out a restraining order should Sam so much as walk past the end of her street again. I empathised with her totally.
I sighed as his tale of woe drew to an end. It seemed I was stuck with Sam for a while longer. Suddenly the scent from the flowers seemed a touch overpowering! I comforted myself with the thought that he couldnt possibly get anymore outrageous and infuriating than he already was.