(This is a bit different than what I normally write but I hope you like it anyway...Tony:)
When I think about my life I think of it in moments. Dont you? The moment you met the man of your dreams, the moment you make a commitment to that man, and all the little moments after that. The moments that tested your love, strengthened it, tore you up or made you fly high, the good times and the bad. When something tragic happens you see all those moments go flying by. What do you think would stand out for you, what would you wish for in that moment when your world came crashing down around you? In life it can all change and be gone in one breath, one heartbeat, one moment......................
We were driving back from the theater and talking about the movie we had just seen. I had turned towards Lance with a smile on my face when the big bang happened. One moment I was looking at his profile as he drove and the next moment I was screaming as blood poured down his face and pain raced through my body.
I was barely conscious as they pulled me from the car but I saw Lance lying there pale, covered with blood and they were pulling a sheet up over him. In that moment I knew I had lost him. I remember screaming his name and moving. Pain had laced through my body and everything went black.
I do not know how long it took me to re-gain consciousness. When I first started to awake I reached for Lance and pain shot through my arm. I came fully awake and saw my Father with tears in his eyes looking at me intently.
Cody? He asked his voice like a whisper of wind. Boy, are you OK? I thought we had lost you.
I blinked and tried to remember what happened. Then the cruel memory of seeing my beloved so pale and covered in blood hit me like a ton of bricks. I started sobbing and God that hurt. Then there was a nurse and she was trying to calm me down. I did not know what to do. I was so disoriented and I could not think or act. Everything hurt and Lance was never going to be there for me again. Then suddenly the darkness came again and I welcomed it. I was safe there and Lance was there.
Lance was as bossy as ever though. He kept telling me I needed to wake up and face my pain. Face my life without him. That is what he would want he said over and over again. Not for me to lay in a bed and rot but to get up and be strong for him.
How could I wake up and face a world without Lance? He was my heart and the air I breathed. Besides I liked it here where I could control what happened and I could have Lance back. I liked the fact that here he could never leave me.
Finally though I listened to him and what he was saying. How could I deny my love his wish? If he wished for me to awake and survive without him how could I say no?
I awoke and lay alone in the dark. There were not as many tubes as there had been before and now my Father was asleep in the chair beside me. I vaguely wondered where my Mother was and where lances parents were.
I lay there and let the pain wash over me. Tears sliding silently down my cheeks. Then a sob broke lose from my chest and woke my Father.
Cody?
Yeah Dad I am here. I said and realized that I was really here. That though my heart was no longer alive and beating that I still was. I had responsibilities to attend to and I had to be strong now. Lances parents would need me and I needed to be there for them and for Lance.
Oh God, kid we thought we had lost you. That wreck was a bad one. Your leg was broke and so was your arm. Then you had a nasty bump on your head. Son, the Doctors were not sure if you were going to wake up again. It has been a week since you have even moved. You scared the hell out of all of us. Dad said as he ran his hand in my hair.
I opened my mouth to ask about Lance to hear the words that would confirm what I already knew but the words would not come. I did not want to hear the answer. If the words were never spoken then none of this would be true.
Cody, My Mother said as she came into the room. Oh Thank God you are awake. How do you feel?
Mom was running her hands over my face and through my hair. I looked at her and she looked so much older and she had been crying a lot. I thought of Lances mom and then pushed that thought away. I was not ready to deal with it yet.
Well, mom said looking at me intently. Say something. Are you all right?
Lance? I croaked.
What sweetie? Mom said leaning closer.
Lance is dead. I said a bit louder and then the tears started.
What????????? Dad said looking totally confused. What do you mean Lance is dead?
I saw them............ I started and then.............
I told you I should not have left his side. Lance said bursting into the room and coming to my bed. Oh Cody, baby are you OK? Has anyone called the Doctor in yet?
I just stared at him trying to comprehend him being here. Had I really woke up? Was I dreaming?
Cody, Lance said and now he was pushing my hair off my forehead. Can you wear me? Why are you looking at me like that? Baby, speak to me please.
Youre dead. I said in a whisper.
Im what? Lance asked totally confused.
I saw them put a sheet over you, I saw the blood and how pale you were. Youre dead. God those words hurt to say but I needed to stop this hallucinations. I needed to face the fact that he was dead and if I was still dreaming I needed to wake up.
Ah, Cody honey, I can assure you I am not dead. That asshole hit your side of the car not mine. I had to get some stitches in my head from hitting the side window and there was a lot of blood but I am not dead. You were hurt worse than I was kiddo. I was up and around a couple of hours after the crash you did not get up till the next day and then you went right back to sleep. You have been in a coma for a little over a week.
But I saw............
Hush sweetie. Lance said putting his hand gently over my lips and they felt warm and smelled like Lance. I am here and I am real. Now just relax and lets wait and see what the Doctor has to say.
I lay back and closed my eyes then opened them again and Lance was still there. He was staring at me with a lot of worry in his green eyes but he was there.
I smiled weakly at him and he smiled back.
It took awhile for me to re-cover. I had a lot of physical therapy to do with my arm and leg but I survived it. I wasnt always pleasant about it but I never really minded the swats that Lance would give me to get me out to the car and into the doctors office.
Sometimes I would find myself just staring at him and wondering if I was just dreaming. Was I in the coma still and creating this happy little ending. Sometimes that fear was so great it made it hard for me to breath. It almost became too much to handle.
Cody you have got to stop this. Lance said one night at dinner. I had just been sitting there staring at him and then the fear came and I thought I was going to be sick. What can I do to convince you this is all real?
Lance had dragged me to the sofa and was rocking me back and forth as I tried to calm my breath and my fear.
I dont know. I said and started sobbing.
Baby we cannot go on like this. Lance said. The doctors say this is just post traumatic stress syndrome but we cannot live like this. This fear has got to go.
But Lance what if.......... I started.
What if what Cody? Huh? What if this is all just a dream? Could you feel all the pain you have felt since the accident? For a while you more or less lived on Vicodin. You had to get a pin in your knee and elbow to hold it together. You have had to have countless hours of physical therapy. Could you really have dreamed all of that up? Lance asked pushing me back and looking into my eyes.
Probably not. I said thinking about it for the first time.
Dont you think if you were dreaming this would all be easier?
um maybe.
Cody, love of my life, I know you have a great imagination but do you honestly think you could create a world like this. I mean half the time we do not even understand what the Doctors are saying. Come on baby think about this.
Now I smiled a bit. It was true our doctor tended to use big medical words and then had to break it down to our language. Why had I ever thought this was all just a dream?
I retreated you know. I said suddenly and without any real thought.
What do you mean? Lance asked looking totally confused.
At the hospital. I woke up and thought you were dead. I went back into the darkness and wanted to stay there rather than facing life without you.
Really? Lance asked looking curious but not overly concerned with this confession. And what made you come back?
You did. You kept telling me to go back and face my pain. That you wanted me to live and be happy. I woke up again because I knew that you would want me to go one living and not lay in a bed and rot. I knew I was in a bed Lance. I knew all that was around me wasnt real. I stayed there because it was safe. How could I have been in a coma? I had conscious thoughts.
Cody no one really knows what happens when people go into comas. Do you feel guilty or something?
I feel like I lied. I whispered.
About what? Lance asked.
About being in a coma. Ever time someone brings it up I feel like a liar.
Sweetie, first off you did not say you were in a coma the doctor did and secondly none of this really matters. You are here now and that is all I care about. Is this why you keep having these panic attacks?
I think so. I said feeling so much better now that I had told lance what was bothering me.
You know, you could have told me this sooner. I cant help if I dont know what is wrong. Lance said looking rather sternly at me.
I know. I said. Are you going to spank me?
Do you want spanked?
That was a stupid question I never wanted spanked, but I wanted us to go back to us. Since the accident Lance had pretty much let me get away with anything I wanted. I mean there were a few swats here and there; but we were out of sync and not right with each other. He seemed afraid to hurt me. _s_e_x_ wasnt even what it should have been.
So I told him all this. He came to the decision that I was not to be spanked but that life would go back to normal and he would try not to treat me like glass.
It has been a few weeks since all of that happened and it has been good. No more fear or panic attacks. Right now I am sitting in the corner waiting for a spanking for not mailing my car payment out like I should have. The only thing really different at this point is I am sitting because my knee cannot stand me standing on it for a great length of time yet. Yet, even as I sit here dreading the next few moments I am thankful to have these next few moments. I am also thankful that we are back on track even if that means some discomfort for me.
Cody, come here. Lance says and I stand to face him. I wince when I see the paddle. But I feel contented too.
I look into his eyes and look forward to the moments after my spanking when I will be held and forgiven. I know I will not forget my car payment again or at least not for a while.
In one moment it can all be taken away but in another you can have it all back..........