"I called Papa," Mama said from the kitchen. "He said somebody is going to get their little tail warmed when he gets home."
I put my cousin Gina down, making sure she was nowhere near the fireplace and then quickly went into the kitchen. Mama was standing at the stove stirring something.
"Mama!" I said indignantly, "Why'd you have to call Papa?"
Mama turned from the stove and shook the wooden spoon she was stirring with at me. "Anthony, I don't keep things from your papa. You know that. Besides, you could've broken your neck standing up on a shelf like that!"
I sighed. there wasn't any use arguing about it. Mama had been known to use that spoon on me when she got tired of explaining things. I wasn't going to chance that!
I went back to the living room where Gina was lying on the floor just where I'd left her and got a rattle out of her diaper bag to entertain her with. I picked her up and talked softly to her as I carried her to my favorite sitting place. Plopping down on the sheepskin rug in front of the warm fire, I shook the rattle and smiled as her face lit up with happiness. She was such a cutie and she seemed to be so happy all of the time. "You wouldn't be so happy if you were me," I told her sullenly as she continued to grin. I sat there and fretted about the spanking I was in for when Papa got home. It just didn't seem fair. I was seventeen for god's sake! I was way to old to be spanked AND I didn't deserve it either!
By the time I heard Papa's car in the drive, I had really worked myself up.
I toyed with my food as Mama and Papa talked, and Gina sat in her high chair cooing. I had no appetite. I snuck a glance at Papa as he twirled a big bite of spaghetti on his fork. He hadn't said anything about my standing up on the shelf in the garage or about what he was going to do about it. They all seemed so _d_a_m_n_ed cheerful! I slumped in my chair, feeling really miserable.
"Anthony, eat your lunch," Mama said as she poured some milk.
"Not hungry," I mumbled at her.
"Mind your mother," my father said as he took a bite of garlic bread.
"I think he's too worried about his bottom," Mama replied with a laugh.
I looked up and saw Papa give her a big smile. I could've sworn his eyes were twinkling. "Well," he said, smiling at me now, but still talking to my mother. "He has reason to worry. That little fanny of his is going to be aching pretty soon."
So this was a big joke, huh? I felt the heat rising in my face as I tried to suppress my outrage. "I don't think it's funny!" I said loudly.
"Tony," I heard the warning in my father's voice.
I stood up, knocking my glass of milk over. To my horror I burst out crying. Just like the little boy that they seemed to think I was, I cried in frustration. I hated myself at that moment! I just wanted to die.
I made a dash for the back door and ran and ran...
I stood in the mall and vacantly looked into the window of a music store. Exhausted from crying and the long walk it took to get there, I stood for the longest time as people walked by me. Laughing and talking, they went about their shopping as I stood like a statue.
Finally I walked over to a bench and sat down. I had five dollars and some change in my pocket. I didn't have any place to go, noone to call. I tried to think clearly about my options. I could wander the streets but it was cold and...I couldn't stand the thought of being a street person. No, not that. But I couldn't go home either. The way they had treated me... and it was their fault that I had cried. They hadn't been fair to me. They had made me do that and I couldn't forgive them.
I glanced at my watch. I had been gone a little over five hours. It was getting dark outside and the mall would be closing in a couple of hours. I bit my lip in concern. What was I going to do?
The mall was beginning to close up as I went to a pay phone and inserted two quarters. I sighed and with shaky fingers, dialed home. The phone was picked up on the first ring.
"Hello?" It was Papa and I could hear the desperation in his voice.
"Papa, it's me," I said quietly.
"Tony, where are you?"
I rubbed a palm across my eyes as I tried to stay calm. "I'm not coming home," I said quickly, trying to sound determined.
There was a short pause. "Ok, listen kiddo," He said gently, "we can work this out. Mama and I have been worried sick. I've been looking for you all afternoon. Please Tony, just tell me where you are so I can come and pick you up"
His gentle tone and words soothed me. Just like so many times in the past when I had been upset. Papa was always good at helping me feel better. I started to think maybe I would go home after all.
"Papa," I said still struggling to remain calm, "I don't know if I ever want to come home again." I swallowed the lump in my throat as I waited for his reply.
"Just let me come and talk to you then, Tony. I'm worried that something could happen to you, wherever you are."
"I don't.. know" I said hesitantly.
"I would never do this to you," he said and I could hear tears in his voice. "I would never leave and not tell you where I was, no matter what you said or did! Please tell me where you are, son."
I told Papa where I was then. He was right and I knew it. I felt really sad right then. I had made my father cry.
I stood outside of the mall and waited. I still had some resentment smoldering inside of me as I thought of how they had joked about me getting a spanking earlier, but I was also worn out. I wanted to go home.
As I saw Papa's car approaching, I had mixed feelings. I was glad to see him. Glad that I didn't have to be on my own this time of night. But I also wanted to make sure that he and Mama weren't going to make fun of me anymore. My dignity was bruised and I still felt very resentful.
I watched as he parked the car and made his way over to me. His hands were stuffed into his jacket pockets and he gave me smile as he got closer. I scowled and looked down at the pavement.
He put his hand on my arm in greeting, and I pulled it away. When I looked up at him he had a hurt look on his face.
"It's getting cold. Why don't we sit in the car and talk?" he asked me.
I nodded stiffly and followed him to the car. "You aren't going to drive me home unless I say ot's ok, are you?" I asked warily, opening the passenger side door.
"No, of course not," he answered gruffly. "Don't you trust me?"
I lifted my eyebrows at him. "Right now, no," I answered shortly.
Once in the car he turned on the ignition and then turned the heater on. I have to admit the warmth felt really good. It kind of reminded me of the fireplace. I turned to look at him, waiting for him to say something.
Papa looked back at me and I heard him clear his throat. "Why did you run away?" he growled at me, sounding sincerely baffled.
I shook my head in disbelief. "Papa! You and Mama were laughing at me!" I blurted out, too loud.
He looked at me for a minute. "We were just joking around, Tony."
I huffed and then tried to calm down so I could speak my mind. "Yeah, but you were making a joke at my expense!" I informed him hotly. "Spankings aren't something to kid around about, Papa. I'm not a little boy anymore and that's how you and Mama were treating me. Like it was cute that I was going to get it. Like my feelings didn't matter at all...I'm a person, Papa. Don't you realize that?!"
I turned my head toward the window and looked out. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing the tears in my eyes.
It was completely quiet for a minute as I continued to stare bleakly out of the window. Then I heard Papa's voice speaking gently and slowly.
"Well, I'm sorry Tony. I didn't realize that you'd be so upset about it." he paused for a moment and then reached over and carefully placed his hand on my shoulder before continuing. "I guess because it's been so long since I was young, that I forgot how big a deal a spanking can be. Maybe sometimes I also forget that you're growing up...I guess I still see you as our little boy," he admitted quietly.
Papa gave my shoulder a little squeeze. "Will you forgive me this time, sport?" he asked, and I could hear the anxiety in his voice. "I'll try to do better."
I turned my head to face him and gave him a weak smile. "Ok," I said, starting to choke up, "but no more jokes."
He nodded. "I promise."
"Ok then," I told him as I gave him a genuine smile.
He grinned. "So, will you go home with me now? Mama is worried." he asked as he squeezed my shoulder once more.
I felt my stomach tighten. "Will you ralk to Mama about what we decided?" I asked solemnly.
"Yes, I will," he assured.
"Then I guess I'm ready to go home," I told him.
"Good," he replied as he put the car in reverse. He turned the radio on low and hummed along as he drove and I lay back in the seat, half drowsing. Suddenly I opened my eyes wide. "Papa, am I still going to get a spanking when we get home?" I asked tightly, my whole body tensing, as I waited for his reply.
He acted as if he hadn't heard me. I looked over at him but his attention seemed to be focused on the road.
I closed my eyes again. 'Maybe he didn't hear me,' I tried to tell myself. But I was pretty sure he had, and I felt nervous the whole drive home.
The first thing I noticed as I blinked in the bright lights of the kitchen, was Gina's big smile and gurgle when she saw me. I went over to her swing and lifted her up. I hugged her and stroked her soft downy hair. "I'm back," I whispered and she cooed in return.
"Looks like me and Mama weren't the only ones who missed you."
I turned and smiled at Papa. I realized then that there had never really been any doubt in my mind that I was loved, and would be missed if I left. It was a nice realization and one that I would never forget.
The next thing I knew Mama had engulfed both me and the baby in her round, warm arms. "Where were you?" she asked in a scolding tone.
"I'm sorry Mama," I said as I tried to keep Gina from being crushed by my mother's embrace.
My father came up then. "I need to talk to you a minute," he told her, his voice sounding urgent.
Mama released me and I watched as she and my father left the kitchen, whispering things that I couldn't make out.
I kissed Gina on the forehead and then placed her gently back in her swing. Then I went into the living room and sat in our big rocker in front of the fireplace. As I was beginning to doze, a weird thought crossed my mind. I couldn't remember a time, during late fall or winter, that a cheery fire hadn't been burning in the fireplace. The constancy of the thought soothed me as I fell asleep.
I awoke to see Papa looking down at me. His face was lined with concern. "Tony, come on out to the kitchen. Mama I want to talk to you," he said gently. But I could hear the undertine of tension and I felt my heart begin to pound.
I got up and followed him, feeling my anxiety growing with every step. Mama was already sitting at the table and I noticed a plate of food at my place. I glanced up at her as I sat down. "Thanks Mama," I mumbled.
Papa sat down and cleared his throat. "Go ahead and eat while we talk," he said as he ran a hand through his dark hair.
I picked up my fork, gave a glance to both of them and then with a shaky hand, picked up my fork. The pot roast looked good, but my appetite was just not there.
"Young man," Mama said so sternly that I stopped my fork in mid air, "you don't ever run away again."
It wasn't like Mama to sound so severe. She was a yeller and a swatter but she was also warm and emotional. Now she sounded almost cold.
I put my fork down and looked at her. "Okay!" I said, feeling my resentment growing.
I watched as she fiddled with the edge of the tablecloth. "You know better than to do that and so Papa's going to punish you for it. And he's also going to punish you for climbing on the shelf this morning."
I felt fury. I jerked my head around to look at Papa. "Can't you speak for yourself!?" I yelled at him, feeling disgusted.
Papa's eyes looked angry now. He stood up quickly. "Yes, I can!" he said, nearly matching my tone. "You are going to get a good, hard spanking for worrying us like that, because you KNOW that you can always talk to us and we'll listen. And running away was unnecessary, and dangerous!"
I glared at Mama and then back at Papa. This was unbelievable! "I think," I said coldly, "that you both are picking on me and it isn't fair!" I swiped angrily at my tear filled eyes and looked back at Papa. "You've certainly changed your attitude towards me since we talked earlier," I observed with a fair amount of scorn. I looked back at Mama and my insinuation was probably clear to them.
He took a step toward me and I cringed a little. "Come on then," he said a little more gently, "let's go to your room and finish out discussion. Just you and me."
I stood up, shaking with anger.
"Go on," Mama said when I glanced over at her.
I pointed a trembling finger at her. "YOU!" I shrieked, "shut the _f_u_c_k_ up!"
The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them. Mama's mouth hung open. the room was dead quiet. Then I felt Papa grasping my upper arm. It felt like a vice. He swatted my bottom twice and turned me to face him.
"Don't you ever talk to Mama like that!" he said, sounding very angry. I tried to say something but I couldn't make my voice work. I think I whimpered.
As Papa dragged me from the room by my arm I heard Mama sob.
"I'm sorry!" I cried out to her as I began to sob too.
Papa led me to my bed, gave me a small shove and I sat down hard. Then he sat down beside me.
"Why are you acting like this?" he demanded.
I wiped my eyes on my shirt sleeve and then looked at him, eyes wide with disbelief. "Me?! You're the one! I never would've come home with you if I'd known that you were going to turn on me like this! Did Mama tell you to act this way?"
He shook his head. "I haven't turned on you, Tony," he responded in clipped tones as he tilted my chin up with his finger. "And Mama doesn't tell me to do anything," he added crisply.
"Then why?" I sobbed, as I looked into his brown eyes. "Why are you both being so mean to me?"
He pulled me into a bear hug. I tensed and tried to pull away but he held me close. "Because," he whispered into my ear, "You can't imagine how worried you made us today. Mama was worried sick and I was too. Don't you know how much we love you? We don't want anything to happen to you!"
"But," I said, my voice muffled by Papa's shoulder, "in the car you acted like everything was going to be all right."
"It is going to be all right," he assured me. "You just need a spanking, kiddo, that's all."
I tried to pull away, and Papa let me.
"But Mama sounded so different," I told him, still sniffling.
"Mama has been a wreck since you left. And I think maybe, after I told her not to make light of things, that she just didn't know exactly how to act." he replied, sounding thoughtful.
"Oh," I responded in a small voice, "Who decided I needed a spanking for running away?" I asked.
Papa cleared his throat. "That was mostly my decision, sport. I want to make sure you don't ever do that again."
"Mama didn't tell you to?" I asked as I looked deeply into his eyes.
"No, Mama didn't know if it was the right thing to do. Maybe that was also part of the reason why she was so strict with you. She was trying not to seem like she didn't agree with me."
He patted my shoulder. "Got it now?" he asked.
"I guess so," I said starting to feel guilty now.
He rubbed my shoulder gently. "What happened to the trust you used to have in us?" he asked me with real sadness in his voice.
"I trust you," I assured him, and I meant it too.
He smiled and pulled me close. "I'm glad," he said with a smile. he kissed my forehead and then pushed me back gently. "It's time for your spanking now," he told me as his eyes searched mine. "You still aren't too old to be spanked, you know."
I felt myself blushing and I tried to change the subject. "Do you think Mama will forgive me for what I said to her?"
Papa laughed softly. "You know she will. Mama's good at forgiving. She lives with me after all.
I managed a smile at that.
A few minutes later I had my jeans and underwear around my knees and I was laying face down over Papa's lap.
"This is for running away," he said as he brought his hand down crisply on my behind.
I jerked slightly as the rain of spanks began in earnest. After awhile I began to shift out of the way as my bottom began to heat up.
Slap! Slap! Slap!
Three hard spanks landed right above my leg and I yelped.
Slap! Slap! Slap!
Three more in the same area, and I tried to cover my butt with my hand. Papa stopped spanking and grasping my hand in his much larger one, held my hand at my side. Then he continued the blazing onslaught.
I cried after awhile. Papa's spanking hurt!
"Papa please!" I wailed when I couldn't take it any longer. "I won't leave anymore!"
His hand landed four more times. Right on the tops of my thighs. "No more!" I half-gasped, half-sobbed.
The spanking stopped and Papa helped me up. I pulled up my shorts and jeans quickly, and still crying sat down on the bed.
Papa put his arm around my shoulders and we just sat there. Me fighting to maintain my composure, him just being quiet. Finally I looked at him, my eyes still blurred with tears.
"I won't do it again," I said, trying to convey my sincerity to him.
"He smiled at me. "That's good. Because I don't want to have to this again." His voice sounded just as sincere as mine.
Later, I apologized profusely to Mama and got a few swats and then a big hug from her. She scolded me from time to time as I ate the dinner she had reheated for me. But at least Mama had forgiven me!
As I crawled into bed I grimaced at the thought of getting another spanking tomorrow. But, I had been assured that they weren't going to forget about my standing on the shelf this morning. I don't know, maybe I deserved it for being so stupid.
Exhausted from the day that I'd had and feeling the radiating warmth in my buns, I somehow felt soothed. As I lay sleepily on my stomach and listened to the crackling of the fireplace in the next room, I felt like everything was going to be all right. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep, was the sound of Papa's voice as he told Mama how good the dinner was and her answering chuckle. "Aw, you always say that," she said.