From the pen, well, actually, if you want to be pedantic about it, the keyboard, of Cat, a tale of mystery, suspense, tea drinking and heavy breathing(and thats only the author) that rivals anything Agatha Christie didnt write, including a shopping list. The literary critic for the magazine, Tea Drinkers Monthly, Mr I. P. Daly, praised the story as being worthy of inclusion in the Top Ten of must avoid reads;)
Possible murder at the vicarage, or, the case of the disappearing kinky community.
By Cat 2003; out on licence and under close supervision.
A Miss Marble whodunnit notme wasityou notlikely mystery.
In the quiet little village of Walloponthebottom, an elderly lady is presiding over a traditional English Sunday morning custom: taking over the vicars house after the service and making copious amounts of tea. But all is not as it should be in Walloponthebottom:
"More tea Vicar?"
"No thank you Miss Marble, twelve cups is more than enough, Ill be piddling like a great big huge stallion if I have another one."
"Tell me vicar," Miss Marble, parish spinster, reputed transvestite, and nosy old boot, dominantly replenished the vicars cup against his wishes, "did you notice anything unusual about this mornings service?"
"Well, now you mention it Miss Marble, I did, I did indeed." The Reverend Viagra gazed at her earnestly, "I couldnt help noticing that your grey cardigan was looking unusually lovely, and that youve had your hair done a different way, most becoming, if I may say so, and I adore the way your leg hairs peek over the top of your delightfully sparkly sock suspenders."
"Dont be silly vicar, its never going to happen, so cut the crap and drink your tea, this virgin is not for shagging!"
"Youre a strong woman Miss Marble, those biceps would grace a navvy, I find that very attractive."
"Do we want a spanking vicar?" Miss Marble fixed him with a stern look.
"Oh Miss Marble, I thought youd never ask, yes please, make it severe. Hercule Pout speaks very highly of your prowess with a paddle."
"Does he indeed," Miss Marble simpered modestly, "yes well, perhaps later, where was I? Ah yes, what was unusual about this mornings service vicar was the lack of a congregation. Apart from me there wasnt a soul in church. Im no detective, or even amateur sleuth, but a soulless church suggests foul play to my mind.
"Really, I cant say I noticed dear laddy, er, lady."
"Im not surprised vicar, you were more interested in fiddling with something beneath your cassock, and I couldnt understand a word of your sermon on the sins of the flesh, what with all that heavy breathing you were doing."
"Sorry dear lady, I deserve to be horse whipped.....in your own time of course."
"Be quiet vicar," Miss Marble thoughtfully stroked her nine o clock shadow, "now is not the time for matters corporal, we have serious matters to deal with, and deal with them we will."
"Oh, Miss Marble, I love it when you talk dirty. Ive recently purchased an implement over the internet, its exceedingly flexible, would you like to hold it?"
"Settle down vicar, or Ill have to bring out the bromide, now listen carefully. I have reason to believe that an Alien invasion has taken place and that, apart from you and I, every single member of this kinky little community of ours has been abducted."
"I thought it had been hideously quiet lately, not so much as a swish or squeal. Oh Calamity!"
"Get a grip vicar...no, not on that...Keep a stiff..."
"Oh believe me dear Miss Marble, "Im keeping a very stiff..."
"Thats enough of that kind of talk vicar, unless you want to feel my hand on your bottom?"
"Oh God, yes, YES!"
"For heavens sake man," Miss Marble beat him off with a slab of his, er I mean her home made fruit cake, "Im eighty three years old, you could fatally fracture my hip leaping over my lap like that!"
"Sorry, sorry, its just the smell of your lavender water. It reminds me so much of my grandfather who brought me up, a stern disciplinarian."
"Dont you mean your grandmother?"
"No, kinks run in the family, my grandmother wore the pants in our house, my grandfather preferred high heels and a frock. Of course the Bishop disapproved, but it was just jealousy, my grandfather had much better legs than him."
"Enough!" Miss Marble raised her hand, the reverend Viagra hopefully stuck his botty under it, but to no avail. "We must find out what has happened to the residents of this sleepy, kinky village."
"Im right behind you Miss Marble."
"I know, and if you dont take that thing out of my back and move around to the front where I can keep an eye on you, there will be serious trouble!"
"Oooohhhhh."
"Youre a disgrace to the cloth!"
"Sorry dear lady, humble apologies, Ill wash it later."
End of part one.
Part Two of Possible Murder is sponsored by Bendoverfreddie, suppliers of the finest rattan implements: Todays big offer: Buy one get one free, four, five, six, ouch! Bendoverfreddie, your flexible friend!
Part two:
Something very fishy is afoot, possibly afin, in the quiet, sleepy, kinky community of which Miss Marble, Jock to her closest friends, is a member. Will she trace the whereabouts of the missing fetish community? And what's happened to the vicar who hasnt been seen since strange noises were heard coming from the vicarage cellar? Based on a real life, classic, science fiction, cross dressing, whodunit detective, mystery romance and cookery novel.
Meanwhile, somewhere deep under the ocean, aboard the Starfish Enterprise:
Captains log......absolutely huge...the curry was a little powerful at lunch time. Star date, something or other. I, Captain James T. Carp am hereby recording my decision to place under arrest, pending trial and execution, death by battering and frying, the following Starfish crew: Mr Hadock, a Sulkan, a strange species from the deep waters just off Portsmouth. Fishbones, the ships medic and Cod, known as Coddy, ships engineer, or something. Their crime: well, Hadock and Fishbones crime, is failing abysmally in their mission to boldly go where no fishman has gone before, seeking out new civilisations, blah, blah, blah! Theyd boldly sought out a kinky village community, and brought the whole _d_a_m_n_ lot back with them.*
Carp frowned, his scales ruffled all over again, it just wasnt on! Theyd get their Starfleet federation licence revoked for exceeding international quotas again, and it would be his arse on the line, the fishing line that is, hed be reeled in for a reprimand, if not worse, a dishonourable discharge, which he knew from experience would be a right bugger to clear up.
"But its not fair captain, its just not logical!" Hadock stamped his fins, "it wasnt our fault. Wed finished studying this strange disciplinarian civilisation, and one of them, waved a massive paddle thingy at us. Fishbones panicked and emailed Coddy to bream us down, and the great oaf breamed the entire community down. If anyone should fry, its just him."
Carp agreed that Cod indeed deserved to fry, he was too handy at breaming stuff up and down without due consideration. But he was also resolute about frying Hadock and making soup out of Fishbones, theyd been getting on his wick for a while. Besides, he was sick of curry, he fancied a change.
"Capn," Coddys voice urgently interrupted Carps search through the recipe books for a decent fish pie. "Capn, theres something coming through in the transporter room."
"What have you breamed down now Coddy, you mackeralhead?"
"I cannae help my parentage Capn. Anyway, It wasnae me Capn, I promise, I didnae dae it. Och aye the noo, or should that be Och nose the yes?"(Look, if you can do any better?)
"Ill have your head on a plate for this Cod!" Carp licked his lips at the very thought, "and why are you talking like that, youre from Scunthorpe not Scotland." He hurried quickly to the transporter room, he would have hurried slowly, but even he wasnt that illogical.
"Captain James T Carp, I believe." A small grey haired, grey cardiganned, yet strongly muscled woman stepped out of the transporter thingy.
"How did you know that ?"
"I read the script. Now, the author is soon due for a quiet rest under heavy sedation, so lets cut to the chase. Release the kinky community that your incompetent ships engineer, or something, accidentally breamed down here, and well say no more about it."
"How did you know what happened?"
Miss Marble sniffed. "Its a matter of simple logic, so simple I wont bother telling you how."
"She read the script again Captain," explained Mr Hadock kindly, "and is obviously privy to the authors most secret thoughts, not a happy situation I can assure you!"
Miss Marble nodded approvingly at Mr Hadock, "I like a fish with a logical mind, that and a dab of tartare sauce, perhaps a squeeze of lemon and a nice crisp Chablis."
"Capn, Capn, och no, Ive done it again," a frantic voice came over the intercom, "Ive accidentally breamed something aboard, oh my God, its big Capn and its making very strange noises and jerking about."
"Dont worry Captain Carp," Miss Marble calmly finished shaping the armhole on the grey tank top she was knitting, "thats just the Vicar, the Reverend Viagra. I beat his bare bottom severely, tied him up and left him for dead at the vicarage, he obviously enjoyed it so much, hes come looking for more. I dont know what Im going to do with him."
"Do exactly what you did back there dear lady," the vicar materialised and lurched towards her with out stretched arms, "only much harder and with cuffs this time."
"Shall I stun him with my little thingy Capatan," a small, yet virile member of the crew leapt between the vicar and Miss Marble.
"Oh YES, please, stun me, stun me hard! Whats your name?"
"My name is Eric Frequently, but on board the Starfish, I am known as Jacov."
"Jacov Frequently, I like it, I like it! You and I were meant to be, as a vicar I know a soul mate when I meet one."
"Ah, you are familiar with my race then, the Lemonsole?"
"Not unless theyre related to the Leamington Sparsoles? Now, about your stunning little thingy, Id like to become more than familiar with that?"
They walk off arm in fin, to the sound of romantic interlude type music.
"Let my people go Captain Carp," Miss Marble measured the tank top against his back. "We miss them in our kinky quiet disciplined backwater."
"Quiet?" Carp stared at her, "but all you can hear is the sound of bare bottoms being spanked and whacked."
"Dont knock it if you havent tried it Captain."
"What shall I do about Fishbones, Hadock and Coddy? I was planning on eating them."
Miss Marble shuddered genteelly, "most uncivilised Captain if I may say so, its not the sort of thing we do behind the net curtains in my part of the universe."
"What do you do Miss Marble?"
Miss Marble opened her handbag and withdrew a large oval hairbrush, "come with me Captain, Ill show you."
"Thank you Miss Marble," Captain Carp, shifting rather uncomfortably from fin to fin, shook her hand, wincing slightly, she had a powerful right arm for a woman of eighty three and some remarkable tattoos. "Thank you for showing me a better way to deal with my crews foolishness. Take your community and go in peace, may they flog, cane and spank in abundance!"
"Theyd better," Miss Marble glanced sternly around the assembled group. "We must go, its coming up to four oclock, tea and cucumber sandwiches at the vicarage. Stop playing with that thing at once and come along Vicar."
"But what about Jacov, I cant leave him!"
"Im afraid you must be a very brave boy vicar, Jacov cant come back to our world, hed be like a fish out of water! Come now, Ive got a nice birch rod in soaking, if youre very good, Ill shake the water from it straight after tea." She inclined her head graciously, "Goodbye Captain, use that brush wisely, but with vigour."
"Yes maam, thank you, farewell and bottoms up!" Captain Carp turned to Cod and nodded. " Bream them home Coddy!" He paused, "and when youve done that report to my quarters along with Hadock and Fishbones."
The end.....
A redbottom production in association with spankit enterprises.