I could tell something out of the ordinary was happening when I heard the door lock rattle in the middle of the afternoon, and got very tense at once. I was standing at the desk writing as always, with my back to the door, and I spun around and kneeled as fast as I could with the stiffness and lingering swelling of my ass and thighs. I kept my head low as I was supposed to. I recognized the shoes immediately and thought, _s_h_i_t_, he´s going to rape me again, and then decided against that, because this time he didn´t come sneaking in, he was accompanied by one of the regular screws. The screw locked the door on us. I didn´t like being locked up with that bastard, but my options were extremely limited.
"Well, Jennings", mr Jackson said. "Obviously you´re not as strong as you think you are."
There was a pause. I didn´t know if he wanted me to say something. I was beginning to sweat.
"Are you working on your assignments?"
"Yes, sir, I am."
"What do you think of them?"
"They´re interesting, sir."
He leered at me, I knew he did.
"Any of them ready by now?"
"Sir, I´ve written today´s four pages and one assignment, and I´m nearly through with the second. I haven´t read my Tuesday paper yet, sir, so I don´t know if it came with another assignment."
"And why is that? You got here this morning, didn´t you?"
"Yes, sir." Then I hesitated a bit. "Sir, I never read the returned papers until I´ve finished the previous assignment."
"Because?"
"Because if I´m getting another punishment, I don´t want that to affect my writing, sir."
Mr Jackson laughed.
"You´re really something, Jennings. How´s that ass of yours doing?"
"OK, sir, I guess."
"Let´s have a look. Get up."
"Sir, I´m seeing the doctor on Monday morning." I didn´t want him to bare me. I didn´t want his hands and eyes on my body.
"Jennings, you´re supposed to obey without any fussing around. I could have you whipped for that. Now, stand up!"
I did with some support from the desk. He pulled down my pants and woolies to my knees and but left the rubbers alone, then he turned me around and removed the dressing. My face felt very hot.
"You still look a mess," he said. "Think I´ve done a fairly neat job, though. Clean wellplaced welts. Average bleeding. Now, Jennings, since you´re obviously not very sturdy and still have a pretty high punishment account, I guess you´ll have to plan on staying here for quite a time yet. You know, you´re not getting a transfer until your punishments are completed. And not until you´ve had a full week without any whippings."
I was silent. I wished he´d pull up my pants and get the _f_u_c_k_ off.
"Why did you masturbate when you were about to get out of here?"
I couldn´t believe him asking that. He knew I hadn´t. I was silent for a while.
"Speak up, Jennings!"
"Sir, I did not masturbate."
"What happened, then? Why are you still here?"
"I was punished for it nevertheless, sir."
"Will do you good in the end. You have a cute ass beneath those stripes, Jennings." Mr Jackson put both his hands on my hips and dry _f_u_c_k_ed me symbolically. An act of dominance, like top dog does to under dog, but also a reminder. I clenched my teeth. You just wait, you bastard. I´ll get even some time. He laughed again, put the dressing back and pulled up my pants. "Still working on your con artistery. I´m looking forward to having you on the second step. I´ve always preferred the tricky ones."
Then he turned the knob at the door.
"Your papers are expected to be ready on Saturday", he said. "That´s what I came to tell you. Get well soon. We still have a lot of work out to do."
"Yes sir, thank you, sir", I said through my teeth.
I was quite agitated after he left, walked around for a while, trying to calm down. This place was getting on my nerves. Sometimes at night, when lights went out, I could balance on the edge of panic for hours, wanting intensely to get out of that room, to feel the air against my skin, to talk to other people without having to kneel, to be treated as a common teenager and not an animal. After the sick ward I felt even worse about it. I mean, nurse was strict in some ways, but she small talked a lot and allowed me to talk back without going through any kneeling routine (maybe because it was impossible), and it made me relax and lower my guard. Back here, my guard was slow in getting up and I felt miserable. Mr Jackson had made it even worse. I was sick to my guts, remembering him on my ass.
For a while I couldn´t pull myself together enough to go on writing. I turned to the Tuesday paper, lying upside down on the table. I had written nine pages about drugs and music. I´ve used drugs on and off, but never been addicted to them. If you can control them, I can´t see any reasons why you shouldn´t use them. There´s no real difference between using drugs and drinking alcohol. You temporarily change your perception, mood and behaviour, but the next day you´re back to reality. Most drugs won´t give you a hangover, though. I always had a hard time landing after a couple of days on speed, but I´ve learned how to handle that with tranquilizers or liquor. Speed makes you indomitable. It´s a gorgeous feeling. If you learn about your limits and what dose you should use for what purpose, it´s a very entertaining companion, reinforcing the spirit within you. I used drugs for the kick of it, dusting some gold on the everyday grey. Music, on the other hand, is a kick in itself. I would never go to a Metallica concert being stoned or high, it would ruin the experience. Music is a way of letting somebody else express yourself, sometimes music tells you things about yourself that you didn´t even know. Music gives you courage and comforts you when you´re low. When you listen to good music you never feel lonely. You have better _s_e_x_ with a good CD on the player, too. This and much more was in my paper.
"Ever thought of becoming a politician?" the comment read. "You´re missing the point altogether. You weren´t told to write a defense speech for drug abuse, your task was to describe what roles drugs and music play in YOUR life. The effect they have on YOU is the main issue. Obviously, you didn´t bother to read the assignment properly. You chose to sneak around the corner and change the given task until it suited your own needs. That´s why you´re going to rewrite it and have it finished on Thursday. For laziness, arrogance and defending illegal activity you get 15 lashes, effectuated on Monday. For being honest about your stand in drug issues, you get 25 points."
I spent the next half hour crying and banging my head against the wall.