I said I got a bright idea in that _f_u_c_k_ing corner. Well, bright is stretching it a bit, but it was a simple idea and those are usually successful cause there are few things that may screw up. Iīd started working on a _f_u_c_k_ing skeleton key to keep my focus but I wasnīt getting anywhere and my patience was running out. Anyway, the main thing wasnīt getting out of the building, but to leave the area as fastly and discreetly as possible. Had to be able to move, too. The day after I had the 50 I was woke up at 6 and had to do the 5 miles as usual. Remember 41.08? I was about 2 minutes down by then. That morning they clocked me at 1.05.34, and Iīd bled through the track suit. I was put down for late arrival to school, too. Had to stand up all morning in class, working on that _f_u_c_k_ing EU composition among other things. At least Mrs Lee told me I was making good progress. Iīd worked out the last two maths and English tests right and got a fairly good mark in chemistry.
As if my sufferings werenīt enough, mr Jackson summoned me again after lunch, no mr Benstead this time. Mr Ackroyd took me there but didnīt stay. I silently walked over to the desk and kneeled with some effort. I was apprehensive as hell.
"Iīve talked to JD",mr Jackson said. "He not very surprisingly confirmed your story. He also briefed me on the background. No wonder he got mad. What Iīd like to know is why you fought his battle."
"Because he couldnīt, sir", I said. "Heīs my mate. Heīd do the same for me, sir."
"Romantic bull_s_h_i_t_, Jennings. Youīve hardly known JD for a month. What was in it for you?"
"Nothing, sir", I said. "I figured I owed JD. I saved Robbieīs ass the first time around, sir"
"Because?"
"Because I thought JD was overreacting, sir."
"How did you come to the conclusion he wasnīt?"
"I got the word about their history, sir."
"From?"
"Sorry, sir, canīt tell you that."
"Didnīt think you would either." Mr Jackson got up from the chair and walked around the desk, seating himself on the edge like the first time, and I started sweating. "Relax, for _f_u_c_k_īs sake, Jennings. This is an ordinary follow-up conversation. Youīve had your share of physical pain for this. Just want to make sure you get it right in your head, too, otherwise the rest was a waste of time and energy. Now, what did you gain from doing Robbie?"
"Nothing, sir", I said again, thinking he had to be _f_u_c_k_ing stupid, or deaf, or both.
"Get out of here, Jennings, you donīt actually want me to believe you did something for nothing? When was the last time you did anything like that? And think hard before you answer."
I didnīt have to, but I tried to look very serious for a while.
"I donīt know, sir."
"Thatīs right, Jennings, that was the proper answer to my question. Still not getting any of this, are you? How about respect? You think the others look at you differently now?
"No, sir", I said. Nobody had _f_u_c_k_ed with me for real since I got here, and the ones I hadnīt allied with were a sorry lot anyway.
"Whatīll they tell the new guys? That theyīd better beware if they piss you off? That if they make friends with you, youīd do anything for them? That youīre the keeper of justice around here?"
"I donīt know what the others tell anybody, sir", I said, defiance inside.
"OK, I wonīt play Trivial Pursuit with you any more. You did Robbie to show youīre a mean bastard. JD had nothing to do with it except providing the opportunity. Everything you do is an investment in yourself. Agree to that?"
_f_u_c_k_ing insect psychology. I wished heīd leave me alone. He wanted me to say yes but I didnīt agree. He knew _s_h_i_t_ about these things. If I hadnīt bashed Robbies head, nothing wouldīve happened. I didnīt have to fight anymore to get respect. By doing it I let JD and Dazzle, and Bear and Chas - know they could count on me, and justice was done, too, because assholes like Robbie canīt be allowed to roam the earth freely, you have to push them down where they belong. Investment, he said. Some _f_u_c_k_ing investment. I wouldnīt be able to sit down for at least a week from it.
"You look really cute when thinking, Jennings. Should do that more frequently. Well, then?"
"Yes sir, I agree."
"Like hell you do. Now, Iīll explain this to you in simple terms. In your world, you are the most important person, the salt of the earth. Other people are like chessmen to you. You use them or sacrifice them to get advantages, to secure your position, to make your life better. If youīd ever get an impulse to help a little old lady across the street, youīd probably snatch her handbag as a bonus and feel you were entitled to it, too. In here, you go about building your kingdom right away. You donīt have much qualities of leadership because youīre too _f_u_c_k_ing self absorbed, but being in charge isnīt what youīre heading for. You want to clear enough space around you to be able to do your deeds undisturbed. Do I have a point, Jennings?"
"I guess so, sir", I said because my knees were aching and I wanted an end to this. Al Clarke used to preach like that, but he was even more stupid and seldom got his reasoning together in the end. I used to laugh at him and ask if heīd been to the movies lately.
"Look at me, Jennings." I did. My heart immediately speeded up pace. He scared the _s_h_i_t_ out of me and I hated him even worse for it. "Crowmill wonīt change your personality. Youīll be as self centered as you are now when weīre through with you. Caring about others and being unselfish is something you have to learn as a small kid, and that train left years ago. In here, weīll make you turn the page. Weīll teach you to think differently and to use socially acceptable techniques to compensate for your shortages. Everything you do is an investment in yourself, right? Repeat it."
"Everything I do is an investment in myself", I said, reluctantly.
"All over again, and make sure you get everything right."
"Everything I do is an investment in myself, sir." _f_u_c_k_ you, sir, from here to Tokyo.
"Itīs a simple question of input and output, Jennings. You have a hell of a lot to learn. By the way, you, me and Dazzle are going for a trip this weekend. That is, if youīve finished your assignment until Saturday morning."
"What assignment, sir?"
"500 lines neatly written lines of what you just learned. And think while writing. I also want you to suggest at least five brand new ways to invest in yourself. All clear?"
"All clear, sir." And get off my back, start pestering someone else.
Then I was dismissed and allowed to walk back to school on my own. After school I was told I didnīt have to do any PT these two days. Instead I was locked up with a bunch of papers. Oh, heīd make sure I was ready when he wanted me to be. Anyway Iīd rather go on a trip to Doggie Food Factory or Lake Burning Sulphur than shamble about in here with Robbie around.
Friday afternoon, I started out standing by the wall because I still couldnīt sit. I knew I had more coming but hoped Iīd have it postponed until next week. Bear had done allright for once and had nothing but praise, Cappy the Loser had a mere 10 and Dazzle 5. Worst off this week were Pepper and Unix, both getting 27. We were also told that Sprite was moving on to Step Three on Monday and Jordan was put on waves on account of not benefitting from the treatment. I didnīt, either, but nobody cared. JD was coming back on Monday and another hapless bastard called Benny Monroe would enter our nightmare.
Jennings had earned himself 12 lashes this week, but mr Jackson generously set them off against my account, withdrawing 60 points, as Iīd been whipped out of schedule. _f_u_c_k_ you very much, sir. Bear and me were Cappyīs witnesses. He was a small, thin, pale guy, wearing his hair cropped, looking like a choir boy, and he was constantly flunking. Tell him to go left, and heīd go right. He wasnīt stupid or hard of hearing or anything, and he spoke like the rest of us, you couldnīt tell he was Polish from hearing him, but he looked a bit odd. I guess there just were a lot of crossed wires in his head, _f_u_c_k_ing him up. Couldnīt imagine him dealing drugs with any success (and he apparently hadnīt, either). To Cappy, having a tenner was like nothing, and he took it well. He seldom had less than 20. As a result his tiny little ass looked gruesome and I stared at my feet most of the time, flinching with each impact. Bear kept breathing all kinds of things to me, but I breathed back, telling him to shut the _f_u_c_k_ up because I didnīt want another report.