I ran for ever, or at least it seemed like it. Iīve always been a pretty good runner, you have to in my line of work, and Iīd had good training lately and was in reasonable shape. I wasnīt 100 % sure of the direction and I didnīt dare to get too close to the road, but I never doubted Iīd make it.
Telling all about what happened on the way would bore you to death. Nothing much, that is. Anyway, I was lucky to begin with and travelled fast, by car mostly, and I stayed off the motorway because you canīt get off it when you need to. I slept for a couple of hours at a lay by after having done some artwork on the car plates. That may sound strange to you, but when youīre on the run, the thing is to do stuff nobody expects you to do. If they were on the hunt theyīd reach my hometown and check out all my addresses long before I got there and decide Iīd chosen another destination, and by the time theyīd got themselves together for another search my alarm system would be in high function. Some 45 miles from home my luck ran out. I had to walk along the road for about two hours, trying to get a ride, it was cold and raining and I was scared as hell somebody would crash into me or that Iīd be spotted by the cops or worse.
The last 34 miles I hitched with a couple in a small white Japanese car, a Datsun, I think, I didnīt care to take a closer look cause theyīre all the same and none of them exactly makes your spirit fly. They were nice people and asked all the nice-people-questions like where Iīd been and if I went to school and did I have a girlfriend and so on, and I made nice answers up for them. The lady was knocked up and had kind of an angelic smile on her face all the time and the guy smiled a lot, too. I felt awkward smiling back, not having smiled much in the last four months. I also had to bite my tongue several times, calling the guy sir and the lady maīam, but they just laughed and said it was nice to meet a polite young man. They made me sad. There were no such things as Crowmill in their lives, and once there hadnīt been in mine, either.
When we got into town they dropped me off at a bus station on my request and wished me good luck, and I returned it. Then I called Chris. I had called him like ten _f_u_c_k_ing times before but no answer, and nobody answered this time, either, cellphone or home phone. Chris was still living with his parents and they were troublesome people, so I didnīt want to show up unexpectedly. I walked about for half an hour, debating where I should go, tried Chris again but no score, decided against Grandpa or Auntie because theyīd be too upset, ruled out a couple of mates that would either be stoned or ask too many questions, ruled out another couple I wasnīt sure I could trust, called Chris again and kicked down a litter bin when there still was no answer. I went by his house a couple of times and checked the doors and windows on the back but canned the idea of going in. When the shops opened I went for a quick hunting expedition, but I still couldnīt figure out what to do if I couldnīt get in touch with Chris. I was edgy and jumpy and got even more so, walking about aimlessly. Thatīs why I went to Jenniīs.
Jenni shared a three-room flat with her sister and her cousin. Her cousin went to Australia seven months ago and wouldnīt be back until August and her sister spent most of her time with her lover. I was well aware of the risk going there. It topped the list of places where I was likely to be found. Still, I really didnīt think the Crowmill _f_u_c_k_ers would drive all the way down here to look for me. Theyīd call the cops and the cops wouldnīt press Red Alert, so if I lay low and took care I could make it, maybe for ever. Anyway I had nowhere else to go, and it was cold as hell and my clothes werenīt made for outdoor winter activities. I could at least spend the day with her and maybe the night, too, and then decide what to do tomorrow.
Nobody answered the door at Jenniīs.
I got really _f_u_c_k_ing mad and banged the door with my fist a couple of times, then I remembered there was a back entrance, the flat being on the ground floor. I picked the cheap lock and went in. Jenni seemed to have the flat to herself most of the time, the place was a _f_u_c_k_ing mess with her stuff all over it. I felt the smell of her perfume, a Christian Dior I never could remember the name of. There wasnīt much to be had in the kitchen but I made do with some instant coffee, a couple of dry bisquits and an apple. I was dead tired but didnīt want to go to sleep. Instead, I wrapped myself in a blanket in front of the telly, with half a bottle of gin I found in the _f_u_c_k_ing bathroom, for chrissake, Jenni, really! I zapped around for a while and finally chose some stupid action film, where two guys were trying to get a bag of money back from a gang of crooks. Boring as hell but better than Melrose Place.
I got a bit loaded and must have slept all day. When I woke up it was already dusk. The front door was being unlocked and my blood froze until I heard Jenni talking with somebody. I didnīt know if I had better stay where I was or come out clean, and while I pondered this I heard Jenni saying:
"Hey, the tellyīs on! I know I shut it off." She laughed, indicating that she might as well have left the flat with the telly, the stereo and the stove on, and the _f_u_c_k_ing front door wide open, for that matter. She always said about herself that she was all heart and no brains. It wasnīt true. She could be really sharp when she wanted to. She just had too much going on in her head simultaneously.
"Iīll shut it off." It was a guy talking, and I felt a pang of jealousy. Then he turned the lights on and entered. He stopped dead seeing me. A tall scrawny guy with a weak chin, dressed in a _f_u_c_k_ing stupid Bob Marley-sweater, black jeans and a leather jacket.
"Who the _f_u_c_k_ are you?" he said.
"I _f_u_c_k_ing live here", I said. "Who the _f_u_c_k_ are you?"
"Whatīs going on?" Jenni pushed Goofy aside and stared at me. "Oh my God! TJ! What you doing here?" She didnīt wait for me to answer but turned to the guy and said: "Hon, Iīll call you. I have to talk with TJ, havenīt seen him for months, OK?"
Apparently it wasnīt OK with him. They went out and had an agitated, whispering conversation in the hall, then the door slammed and Jenni came back.
"God, you scared me!" she said and threw herself in beside me. She had bright red spots on her cheeks and seemed nervous as hell. "TJ, whereīve you been? I got this freaky _f_u_c_k_ing letter from you and then I wrote back four times, but you never answered. Are you on leave?"
I shook my head. "OK I stay here a while?"
"Of course! That is, are you wanted or something? Because Iīve had enough trouble with the neighbours already."
"Maybe," I said, shrugging. "I doubt Iīm their main hunt, though. Whoīs that guy?"
"Oh", Jenni said, "just some guy. His name is Malcolm, I met him at the club and he wanted to borrow some records." She laughed tensely. She always was a lousy liar. "You want something to eat? I can order pizza."
"Pizza is fine. Howīve you been?"
"Fine. Missed you, though." She knew the number by heart, ordered two pizzas and remembered my favourite was the one with pineapple. I couldnīt take my eyes off her. She was as full of life as always and she still had that bright red hair, only she had black and yellow streaks in it now. "She loves me not, she loves me still, but sheīll never love again. She lay beside me, but sheīll be there when Iīm gone. Black heart scarring darker still "
"TJ, you look awful." Jenny was back on the sofa. "You mustīve lost at least ten pounds. You on speed again?"
"Not a chance. God, Iīve missed you, Jen." I pulled her closer and she didnīt resist.. She turned her face to me and we kissed, a little tentatively. I didnīt give a _f_u_c_k_ about Malcolm or anything else, maybe she wasnīt mine anymore but at least tonight she was. And sheīd written back.
She freed herself from my arms and smiled at me. "Iīll put on some music", she said.
When we first met, I made a Metallica CD for her, a nice soft turnon with all the ballads and side stuff like Low Manīs Lyric. I hoped sheīd remember. I didnīt care much for the music she usually listened to, reggae, Smashing Pumpkins, R. E.M, The _f_u_c_k_ing Corrs and stuff. I heard her rummaging about by the hifi. When the music started I already heard the lyrics in my head and thought, this is too good to be true.
Lay beside me, tell me what theyīve done
Speak the words I wanna hear, to make my demons run
The door is locked now, but itīs open if youīre true
If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you
"I love you, Jenni", I said and meant it right then.
We had the pizza I jumped when the door bell rang and Jenni laughed at me and she borrowed a couple of beer and a bottle of whisky from her upstairs neighbour and found some joints in a cupboard. While she was away I called Jake, he was on a bus but I said Iīd drop by his place tomorrow and could I bunk with him for a couple of days, and he OKīd that. The guy was living in a pigsty, but at least it was a safe pigsty. I called Marco to get rid of the goods and he wbīed me and said I could pop in tonight, but we decided on tomorrow noon, and then I called Chris again. His dad answered and said he hadnīt seen him around since Wednesday, and if this is TJ calling, then piss off, and the line went click and out. Iīd kill that asshole if I wasnīt a civilized kind of guy. No reason to _f_u_c_k_ with me like that. I tried Chris cellphone and left another message. Chrisīs always been like that, a bit too easygoing, forgetting about the real world on and off, maybe heīd got himself a bitch and was _f_u_c_k_ing his brains out right now. I decided I might aswell.
Then Jenni and me lay on her cousinīs bed, because it was a double and Jenni only had a mattress on the floor, and we kissed over and over again because she had a thousand questions and I had no answers. I felt her breasts and they still were made for my hands, and her body was soft against mine. Then she whispered to me to undress her, and I thought, _s_h_i_t_, I didnīt want to undress, I didnīt want her to see the stripes on me, but I was pretty aroused by then and there was no return. I undressed her and then she started on me.
"Letīs get under the covers", I said. "Iīm freezing in here. I donīt want to ruin a good hardon."
She smiled maliciously.
"Iīll ruin it anyway. You want me to do it?"
"I do, Jen."
"Come on, then!"
And we made love like crazy and the music sang through me.
"Youīre different," Jenni said, head on my chest. "I donīt know what it is. TJ, howīve you been? You had a rough time?"
"I guess itīs meant to be. I really donīt want to talk about it, Jen."
She was silent for a while, then she raised her head and looked straight at me.
"That weird letter you sent me, what was the point of it? Why didnīt you write back? Did you mean to tell me weīre over? I thought so. I was very sad. You didnīt even call."
"I couldnīt , Jen. And I never had your letters."
"You mean like you donīt think they got there or like they didnīt give them to you?"
"The latter."
"_f_u_c_k_ing freaks," she said. "_f_u_c_k_ing stupid mean dickheads. Why?"
I shrugged.
"Ask them. I donīt know. Maybe they didnīt want us to think too much about the outside."
"You wonīt go back, will you?"
"Not if I can help it."
She sighed and curled up beside me.
"Iīve missed you. I didnīt know if Iīd ever see you again. About Malcolm "
"Sssshhhh", I said. "I donīt want him in bed with us. Iīm not angry with you, Jen."
We lay close together for maybe an hour, then we made love again, only tenderly this time, her on top most of the time, and Crowmill seemed to dissolve into nothing with each kiss and each thrust. Afterwards we had some whisky and smoked the dope and it went straight to my head, I felt good but it blew over too soon, Jenni probably didnīt know where to get the really good stuff, and then I had to use the bathroom. I turned on the light and went out of bed and heard Jenni cry out in terror behind me.
"OH _s_h_i_t_, TJ, whatīs happened to you?"
"Iīll tell you later," I said reluctantly and went to the bathroom, thinking, I canīt tell her, I canīt NOT tell her. I tried to get a glimpse of my ass in the mirror, had to climb the toilet seat and it still was a _f_u_c_k_ing mess, the old marks and the newer forming a violent pattern on my skin. I sat down on the seat, head in hands, wondering how Iīd go about this.
"TJ?" she said softly from outside the door. "TJ, come to bed with me, Iīm scared."
She waited until I got out and hugged me hard, placing her hands on my ass, caressing it. I didnīt like it.
"This canīt be for real", she whispered.."Have you been hurt by somebody? Who hurt you like that?"
"Letīs get back in bed", I said. "Iīm _f_u_c_k_ing cold all over me. Iīll tell you then."
Well under covers I chickened out again and started kissing her, fondling her breasts, but she pulled away and looked intensely at me, eyes big and dark in the poor light.
"TJ, you have to tell me. Iīve never seen anything like it. Itīs like.....like youīve been beaten. It canīt be, can it?"
I sighed and rolled over on my back.
"Jen, you wouldnīt believe that _f_u_c_k_ing place, even if I told you everything. Iīm through with it, I just want to forget it. Iīll tell you later on. Not now. I donīt want to talk about it tonight, OK?"
"Iīd never let anybody treat me like that," Jenni said, and I started to get really annoyed, why couldnīt she just shut the _f_u_c_k_ up, she had no clue whatsoever. I turned to her to tell her as much.
Thatīs when the door bell rang.