"Bottoms up!" I cried.
I see that I have your attention immediately. Well I am sorry to disappoint you but I was not in my study at the time giving an order to some recalcitrant boys. I was in fact at a Headmasters conference giving my favourite toast to a few of my fellow heads. You see, every now and then, we meet to discuss matters of great importance such as the best way to cane a boy and to moan about all the paper work that we poor overworked Headmasters have to endure. I had just got hold of a glass of sherry from a passing waiter who was carrying a tray of the stuff and I could not help but notice how tight his black trousers were and how his rather trim buttocks were rather inviting – especially in such company. My thoughts were interrupted by a colleague who was standing next to me and who was even more rotund around the middle than I am when I realised that I was being asked if I played golf.
"Very good exercise – and very good for developing a good swing with your right arm. Comes in useful when dealing with naughty boys, eh what?"
I suppose the old duffer has a point I thought as I downed my first sherry of the day and looked around to see if I could spot the waiter with the tight fitting trousers and get myself a second sherry before they all disappeared. Some of these headmasters can be so greedy when there are free drinks on offer....
The comment about golf brought to mind a certain incident that had happened at the school a few years back. You see the school playing fields back on to a local golf course and unlucky golfers have lost many a ball on our playing fields. There was a fence dividing off our property and golfers were not allowed to come into our fields to retrieve any lost balls. I was aware that some of boys used to go round collecting these balls and selling them back to the club to earn a little extra pocket money. I did not condone this nor did I forbid it. I just ignored it. It was useful to have the balls collected and removed from our fields in case they got used as missiles or someone slipped over them and had an accident.
Imagine my surprise when the secretary of the golf club turned up to school one day and asked to see me. Imagine my astonishment when he said that some of my boys were seen climbing over the fence and had picked up balls that were still on the golf course. The good golfers had always thought that this might be happening but they had no proof. The secretary had decided to watch through binoculars and sure enough he saw a group of boys clamber over the fence and start picking up balls which were still on the golf course.
How enterprising of the boys I thought to myself but aloud I said that I was flabbergasted that any of my boys should even think of doing such a thing. I would find the boys and punish them forthwith. I then produced from my desk a folder containing the form photos that had been taken at the end of last term. This is a useful tip for all future headmasters out there – have form photographs taken each year and keep a copy of them to use as mug shots if ever anyone complains about one or more of the pupils. I asked the worthy secretary to look through my photographs and see if he could recognise the culprits. He was able to pick out four fifth form boys who were all in the same class.
"Leave this to me," I said in my usual pompous voice, "I will deal with these boys and you will have no further trouble." The secretary smiled an evil smile as he guessed what was going to happen to these four youngsters. Of course, you dear reader, being all innocent and pure, will have no idea of what was to follow. I showed the secretary out and consulted the school timetable to see where my next victims were ensconced. I then donned my black academic gown, took out one of my school canes and strode down the school corridors ready to do battle.
I entered one of the classrooms and immediately everyone stood up and there was a deathly hush. The boys had honed in to the fact that I was carrying a cane and this was not a good sign. Whose bottom was going to be on the receiving end? I made my apologies to the master in front of the class and then turned towards the boys and glared at them. After keeping them standing for a full two minutes I told them to sit down with the exception of the following boys and I read out four names. You could feel the relief on the boys whose names were not called out whereas the unlucky four left standing were looking distinctly unhappy.
I said nothing for a good two minutes while I just stood there and let the little blighters agonise over what was to come. "I have just had a visit from an official of the Golf Club and he informs me that you boys have been seen climbing over the dividing fence. Not only that but you have been taking golf balls from the golf course. I call that STEALING!" – and I let this terrible word sink in. Oh I was enjoying myself alright. How little men can enjoy power when it is thrust upon them! I let them squirm some more before I went on. "Of course, I could refer the matter to the police and you could be taken to court and no doubt you would have a stain on your character for the rest of your life." I was laying it on thick and they were going paler and paler. "Instead, I have decided to try to keep the schools good name and I will deal with this myself. You will be caned – here before the rest of your class so that they can see for themselves what happens when boys in this school decide to break the law."
I was enjoying every moment and the four lads were hating it. Mind you, the rest of the class were getting more relaxed and I felt they were quite pleased at this turn of events. They were off the hook and they were going to witness four other boys getting caned!
I then turned to the nearest of the four hapless boys who had been left standing up in their places and told him to come out in front. I ordered him to remove his jacket and to bend over the side of the teachers desk. I stood behind the boy so that the class got a really good view. I then gave him six of the best and although he did not want to show himself up in front of his class mates he yelled after each stroke and the moment I let him up he rubbed his bottom furiously. The three other boys left standing had gone very white as they knew their turn was coming. The rest of the class was beginning to relax and quite enjoy the scene.
The next nearest lad of the remaining three was ordered out and he was told to get in position. He bent over warily but I made sure his bottom was in just the right position before I started. He squirmed and wriggled after each stroke and cried out after the fifth and sixth strokes. One of the boys in the second row who was enjoying it more than most began to snigger.
" Find it amusing do you?" I said and he went pale, "right - you can have two strokes and you can be next!" He stopped sniggering. No one sniggered after that! I ordered him to the front and told him to bend over the desk. He was whacked twice and no longer found it so amusing. I then proceeded with the two boys who were still standing. The third lad was ordered to take up his position. He was quite tall and looked as though he was quite tough but he cried out after every stroke and rather showed himself up in front of his friends. Finally I came to the fourth boy and he was literally shaking in his boots. I ignored the fact that he was very frightened and made sure he his bottom was nicely positioned before I unleashed the final six strokes. The poor wretch wriggled and almost screamed after each blow but he still remained over the desk until he had completed his dose.
I then apologised to the teacher for the interruption I had caused and left him to pick up the pieces of his lesson. I strode out of the classroom in all my headmasterly glory and returned to my study where a nice cup of hot coffee awaited me. It was only 9.30 in the morning. The day had started well –I had already put the cane across five bottoms – I wondered how many more there would be that day and I sipped my cup of hot coffee and pondered on how hard I had to work........
When I met lads from that class at reunions years later they told me how that scene was indelibly marked on their memories. At least one young man assured me that whenever he considered doing anything that might be illegal his fear of authority overcame him and he was sure that the same fear is missing from many a wrongdoer these days. Lads commit theft and burglary because they do not fear authority –nothing happens to them. I think he has a point.....