O. K. I admit it. I am a coward. I come out in a cold sweat and I tremble all over. Whenever I have to go to the dentist I have nightmares for days in advance. They always take the same form. My dentist turns out to be a former pupil whom I have caned many times and just as he is poking around in my mouth whilst trying to insert an oversized needle into my gums he softly says, " You remember the last time you caned me.........." It is at that point I wake up stricken with fear and my pyjamas are sodden with sweat.
That is the reason why when my dentist, Mr Pullem, sent his two sons to my school I decided that I would try hard not to cane them. They were clever lads but not very well behaved and it was a mystery to everyone that whenever they were sent to me for whatever schoolboy crime they had committed they always got off with a warning and a telling off but never a caning.
However the day came when they were both caught smoking behind the bicycle sheds, a favourite spot for the smoking fraternity. The school caretaker had noticed that there were cigarette stubs being left there and so he concealed himself from a vantage spot and caught the two smokers in the act. They were caught and I was caught. Smoking was a caning offence. It was automatic and everyone knew it.
I decided that the two boys had to be punished in the time honoured way and I had them report to me during the lunch break. Now that they were going to be caned I thought I might as well as enjoy it! At the appointed time of one oclock there was a knock on my study door. I put away my brandy glass, which contained my usual medicine, and I ordered the lads to enter. I gave them my customary pompous lecture on the evils and dangers of smoking and asked them if they knew what was the penalty for smoking in school. They both knew. The older one managed to get out the words, "Caning, sir." The younger was not able to say anything. He had gone rather pale as he knew his day of reckoning had come at last.
"Quite right," I said, " At least you got that correct," I added with sarcasm in my voice. "Remove your blazers and put them over the chair in the corner." They did as they were told. I decided that I would cane the younger one first as he needed to get his over and done with before he fainted outright! I ordered him to bend over my desk and stretch his hands out in front of him. His little bottom was now in the correct position and he was given his six strokes. He cried out after each stroke and it was clearly very painful for him but he made no attempt to get up until I told him he could. It was then the turn of the older boy and six strokes were duly delivered to his bottom as well. He wriggled more but cried out less, perhaps he was trying to be brave in front of his younger brother. I now had two lads both rubbing their bottoms furiously to try to make the pain go away. I pretended not to notice. I warned them that they would get another dose if they dared to smoke again in the school grounds – or if it came to that out of school as well. You could get away with that in those days.
It was just two days later and I developed a most painful toothache. I tried to ignore it but it got worse, not better. There was no way out and I made an appointment to see the dentist. He had had a cancellation and was able to see me the very next morning. I did not know if that was lucky or unlucky! However after a sleepless night of agony I found myself walking along the High Street towards his surgery. I was feeling very miserable and if you will pardon the expression, down in the mouth! I was not amused, as I usually am, when I passed the local barber shop which had outside the notice – Haircuts while you wait! Can you imagine having a haircut if you do not wait!! Nor did I smile a few shops later, as I usually do, when I passed the shop of the man who puts up television aerials. He has the cheeky sign which says – Satisfaction guaranteed with every erection! Since both my readers are simple and pure souls they probably do not see the funny side. On this particular day I did not see the funny side either. I approached the entrance I needed and glanced balefully at the wooden plaque which read : I Pullen, dentist. I thought to myself he only needs partners by the names of I. Drillem and I. Fillem and his surgery would be complete!
I climbed up the stairs and heaving and puffing I reported to his receptionist and then took a seat in his rather sparse looking waiting room. There was the usual collection of tatty and old magazines and I was in no mood to even try to look through them. I thought the end of the world was near. Eventually my name was called and judgement day had arrived. I have to tell you that my dentist is a hulking six foot four and towers over everyone. I sat in his chair and opened my mouth as wide as I could and as he began prodding around with his instrument of torture I heard the words I dreaded, " I hear you caned my boys this week....." At that moment he hit on a raw nerve and I shot two feet into the air. My nightmare was being enacted in real life!
I am not sure how I got through that ordeal but eventually he did whatever needed to be done and then after the treatment he said, "My boys needed to be caned. They should have had it long ago. They know how stupid it is to smoke but sometimes they just will not listen to what their parents have to say. I am grateful to you and they will be, in time."
I rubbed my jaw in relief that it was all over and thought you could show your gratitude by reducing the enormous fee you charge. I have always found it ridiculous that you should have to pay a dentist – he should be paying you for having the courage to go and have him digging around in your mouth. As I was thinking along these lines I was quite taken aback to hear the following, " I want to tell you in the strictest confidence that I have a thing about caning. I go in secret to guys to get myself caned but I have never been caned by a real headmaster since my schooldays and we all look up to you. (How exactly a six foot four giant can look up to a comparative midget of five foot seven I do not know!) He went on, "I have this fantasy which you could fulfil for me if you would be so kind."
What a turn up for the books! My giant of a dentist wanted his bottom walloped by me! Oh I would enjoy that! Revenge is sweet! I quickly made an appointment for him to visit me after school one day and indeed he duly turned up. I ordered him to lower his trousers and his pants and I took great pleasure in applying the cane to his oversized naked bottom. He, on the other hand, took great delight in receiving it! He was rewarded with six lovely red stripes delivered as only a real Headmaster can........
He rubbed his bottom ruefully, grinned and said menacingly, " Of course, it will not be too long before you are back in my chair....." My legs were already beginning to turn to jelly once more.