Author's note: I've been busy at work, and thus my pace of writing has slowed down. I've got a number of stories partly finished, but they don't seem to be coming out in the order I expected. As always, I take requests and requests often spur me to write an already scheduled story faster. That was the case with this one.
Background: This is based on the TV show "Dave's World", which was itself based on the semi-autobiographical books of humorist Dave Barry. It ran on US television in the early and mid nineties. Dave Barry was played by Harry Anderson. He had two boys; Tommy, aged 11 and Willie, aged 7, who were played by Zane Carney and Andrew Ducote respectively. Ken Becket, who was more or less his boss, was played by Shadoe Stevens.
"Barrys, look what I have!" said Shell as he walked through the door.
"What's that, Shell?" Dave asked in a curious voice.
The black man held out three pieces of stiff paper.
"You're looking at three front row tickets to the Neil Diamond concert tonight!"
"Wow! How did you get those?" Beth asked.
"One of my patients works at the box office. I did him a favor last month and so he gave me these in return. So, do you two want to go with me?"
Dave looked at his wife. She eagerly nodded.
"Sure, Shell," he confirmed, "We'd love to go."
"All right, then. I'll be back at 7:30 to pick you guys up." With that, he turned and left.
"Can you believe it?" Beth asked her husband, "Front row tickets!"
"What are we going to do about the kids?" Dave asked.
"Oh, no problem. I'll just call the baby-sitter." Beth went over to the telephone and started dialing.
Dave sat down. He was supposed to have his column finished for tomorrow morning. There was no way that was going to happen now. He might get some of it done this afternoon, but he wouldn't be able to finish it. Oh well, tomorrow would do. Kenny would complain, but too bad. Beth was talking into the phone and then hung up.
"Well one down," she said to Dave, "Our regular baby-sitter can't make it."
"Try the next one, Beth," Dave suggested.
She picked up the phone and dialed again. Dave left the kitchen and went to his office to try and write. He turned on the computer and brought up the column he'd been working on. It hadn't gotten very far. He'd written a few paragraphs and then gotten stuck. Sitting there trying to think, he hardly noticed when his wife came in.
"Dave, we have a problem," she said, "I've called practically everybody I could think of, but no-one can baby-sit the boys for us on such short notice."
"Well, honey, have you tried Mia?" he inquired.
"No, but that's not a bad idea. Why don't you call her?"
"All right, but I can't let her know what were doing. She might slip and tell Kenny and he won't be too happy." He picked up the phone and started dialing. He heard a perky voice answer at the other end.
"Mia? How are you this afternoon? It's Dave."
"Oh, hi Dave. Are you calling because you're column is ready?"
"Not exactly, Mia."
"Kenny's been bugging me all day about it," the perky blonde said, "That's why I asked."
"Actually Mia, it probably won't be ready until tomorrow morning. Something's come up and Beth and I need to go out tonight," Dave said. If Kenny was nagging Mia, he really was going to be peeved about the late column.
"Mia, I was really calling for you and not Kenny," Dave continued, "I know it's short notice, but I'm having trouble finding a baby-sitter. Is there any chance you could watch Tommy and Willie tonight for us?"
"Oh, gosh, Dave. I'm sorry, but I can't. I have a date tonight that I just can't break."
"She can't do it," he said to Beth. She groaned and rolled her eyes in disappointment.
"Mia, is there anyone you can think of who might be able to look after them tonight?" Dave asked in desperation.
"Gee, Dave. There's only one person I can think of who I know has no plans for tonight, but I don't think you'll want to ask."
"At this point, I'll ask anybody. Who is it?"
"Well, Kenny had his date for tonight cancel on him, so I know he's free."
"Anybody except Kenny. Are you kidding Mia?"
"Well that's the only person I can think of. It is a Friday night, you know Dave."
"I know. Thanks Mia, I'll call you back."
Dave hung up the phone and looked at Beth. She had a disbelieving look on your face.
"Don't even ask, Dave," she said.
"But Beth, honey, there's no-one else available. We can't just leave the kids home alone. If we can't get someone else to look after them, one of us is going to have to stay home."
"Dave, you really want me to leave my babies with Kenny?"
"Why not? Kenny's responsible enough. It's only for one night. What can go wrong?"
"Plenty, I'll bet. But you're right. Front row tickets to Neil Diamond are too much to pass up. Let's see if he'll do it."
Dave picked the phone back up. This was not a call he was looking forward to making, but he had no real options.
Ken Becket was sitting in his office. He wasn't in a good mood. First of all, three of his contributors were late with their articles. Didn't writers understand that he had a deadline? Then Andrea called to tell him that their date was off. Kenny wasn't sure what had gone wrong with that, but he had already taken her name out of his rolodex; that budding relationship was history. The intercom buzzed and he picked it up.
"Mr. Barry on line one for you, Kenny," Mia said.
"Thanks, Mia," Kenny said as he switched the line. Dave must have finished his column. At least here was one piece of good news.
"Dave! You got your column ready?"
On the other end of the line, Dave Barry cringed.
"Not just yet, Kenny. That's why I'm calling. I've had a bit of a delay and I need your help."
"I need that column, Dave. We're almost ready to go to press!"
"Look, Kenny, I can have it for you by mid-morning tomorrow. I promise."
"You promised you'd have it for me by tonight," Kenny reminded him.
"Well, something's come up. Beth and I can't be here tonight. We have a bit of a family situation that we have to deal with. The thing is Kenny, we need a baby-sitter. Could you look after Tommy and Willie for us this evening?"
"Dave, I don't believe this. Not only are you telling me that you're late again, but you want me to baby-sit your kids, too?"
"Kenny, if you do this, it'll make it easier for me to finish my column. Otherwise it might take me until tomorrow afternoon." This was more than a bit of a fib, but Dave figured what Kenny didn't know wouldn't hurt him.
"I've never baby-sat in my life, Dave," Kenny protested.
"Just make sure they don't kill each other or set the house on fire and you'll do fine."
"All right, I'll do it, but you owe me big time for this!"
"Thanks, Kenny. Come by about 7:30."
Dave hung up the phone. He called Shell and told him that they would meet him at the concert. He didn't want Kenny to see them leaving together; he would know that the "family situation" was a story then. Then he went in the living room to tell the two boys.
Tommy and Willie were sitting on the couch watching TV. He waited until the commercial and then he spoke up.
"Boys, your mom and I are going out tonight. . We couldn't get your regular baby-sitter, but Kenny's agreed to watch you two for the night."
"Oh, no," Tommy piped up, "Not Kenny. He's such a grouch!"
"Well, that's the only person we could get. He'll be O. K., don't worry."
"Why are you and mom going out, anyhow?" asked Willie.
"Shell got them front row tickets to a concert" Tommy informed his younger brother.
"Ah, guys, do me a favor, will ya? Don't tell Kenny we went to a concert. I didn't tell him."
"You lied to your boss?" Willie asked with his mouth open wide.
"Well, it's more of a fib. Just do me a favor and keep it a secret."
"O. K. Dad," Tommy said, "But you owe us."
"The way things are going, this concert is going to leave me in debt to people for the next month," Dave remarked to no-one in particular.
Time passed and soon it was 7:30. Kenny pulled up and came inside.
"Thanks so much for helping us out, Kenny," Beth said.
"Well, it's not as if I had anything better to do tonight," he replied.
"Here's some money. The boys want pizza for dinner, but I figured we should wait and see what you wanted before we ordered. I hate to rush off, but we really have to go."
Beth walked out the door and Dave followed behind her.
"Wait!" Kenny said, "Is there a number where you'll be staying?"
Dave paused. He hadn't expected that question.
"No, the phone is out I think," he said thinking fast.
"What am I supposed to do it the kids act up?"
"Just put them to bed, or something. Look Kenny, we really have to go. We'll be back before 11:00. Thanks again."
The Barrys got in their car and drove off, leaving a somewhat flustered Kenny in the driveway.
"Put them to bed, or something," he muttered to himself.
He went back inside and sat down. Finding out what type of pizza the two boys wanted, he ordered it and turned on the TV. Tommy and Willie were not too happy about having Kenny baby-sit them, and thus did not make things easy on him.
First, there was an argument about the TV. Kenny wanted to watch ESPN, but the two boys wanted Nickelodeon. Kenny figured that 'might makes right', but discovered that Tommy and Willie were not inclined to cooperate. First Willie snatched the remote and ran with it. Kenny caught him and took the batteries out, but then the two boys took turns dashing to the set and changing the channel manually. Fortunately, the pizza arrived and a cease-fire was called while they ate. Kenny put it on the kitchen table and divided it up. Then the next crisis came up.
"I don't know what's so great about Neil Diamond anyhow," Willie said, more to himself than anybody. But he said it loud enough for Kenny and Tommy to hear. Tommy shot his younger brother a look of shocked warning, but all that did was make Kenny even more suspicious.
"What does Neil Diamond have to do with anything?" he asked sharply.
"Um,....nothing," said Willie. Unfortunately, Willie was the sort of boy whose face gave away volumes of information.
"Something's up here, boys," he announced, "And I want to get to the bottom of it. Are you two going to tell me, or do I have to find out myself."
Tommy could see that Kenny's harsh tone had unnerved Willie. He decided to tell the man the truth. After all, it didn't seem right to him that his folks had misled Kenny.
"Mom and Dad went to a Neil Diamond concert tonight. Shell got them front row tickets and they couldn't find anyone else to baby-sit us. Dad didn't want you to know the real reason that his column would be late." Tommy felt better after telling Kenny, but Kenny didn't look at all pleased. He leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes upward.
"Oh, that's just great. Thanks Dave!" he said to the air. He was pissed off, but didn't want to take it out on the two boys. At least they had told him the truth. They finished supper and then went back into the living room. Then problems started again.
The TV fight resumed. Tommy and Willie didn't really care what they watched, but they were enjoying baiting Kenny, who was rapidly loosing his patience. They wouldn't sit still, they made loud noises, they blocked his view of the TV. Finally, he had had enough.
"All right you two!" he said, "I'm sending you to bed."
"But it's Friday!" protested Willie. "We don't have to go to bed until 10:00."
"Too bad. I'm in charge, and I say you'll go to bed now."
There was much fussing, but eventually the two boys did go upstairs. They had bathed before their parents had left, so they just had to change into their pajamas. They climbed into bed, but did not turn out the light.
"It's no fair!" Willie said, "It's not even nine o'clock."
"Well, who says we have to stay in bed?" Tommy asked.
"Kenny did, remember?"
"No. Kenny said we had to go to bed. He didn't say anything about staying in bed."
Willie gave his older brother a doubtful look, but when Tommy got up, Willie followed. As quiet as mice, the two boys sneaked down the stairs. They slunk up to the couch that Kenny was laying on and hid behind it. Tommy saw the TV remote on the end table, and since he was feeling mischievous, he put his hand out and pressed the off button. Kenny had turned off all the lights, and so this had the effect of plunging the room into darkness. Kenny swore and got up to turn on a light. Unfortunately, Willie had been caught by surprise with his brother's prank and had moved from behind the couch. Kenny tripped over the boy and went crashing to the floor, taking one of the lamps with him. With the clatter and the yelling, Tommy figured that he better do something, and so he turned on the main light.
Kenny was laying sprawled on the floor and Willie was sitting up with a very confused look on his face. Kenny got up and noticed the remote in Tommy's hand.
"You little brats! Didn't I tell you to go to bed?"
"Well, yes," Willie answered, "But Tommy says that you didn't tell us we had to stay there."
Tommy was feeling very much in trouble. Kenny did not look amused by their stunt.
"That's it," Kenny said, "I'm going to take care of you two once and for all." Dave had told him to send the boys to bed "or something". He'd tried sending them to bed and so now it was time for "or something". He sat on the couch and caught his breath.
"Tommy, come here," he said signaling with his hand. The boy came over and looked nervously at Kenny.
"You know, you two have been acting up since I got here. I tried being patient, but that didn't work. So now I'm going to spank your two little butts and see if that has any effect."
"You can't spank us!" Tommy said in a shocked voice, "Mom and Dad never spank us."
"Well, they shouldn't have left me in charge, then. Because that's just what I'm going to do."
He took Tommy's arm and pulled the dark-haired boy over his lap. Tommy was too surprised to put up much of a fight, and in a few moments Kenny had him held in position with his face in the couch and his butt sticking up. He brought his hand down on the seat of the boy's pajamas, WHAP!
Tommy started in surprise, but Kenny kept right on at it, WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! His buns were beginning to feel sore, but then it stopped. If that was all there was too it, Tommy counted himself very lucky.
"This isn't working," Kenny said under his breath. Tommy figured that the man was about to let him up, but was about to receive a rude shock. He felt Kenny's hand reaching around his waist and unsnapping his pajama bottoms.
"This is no good with your pajamas still on," Kenny told him matter-of-factly as he started to tug down Tommy's pajamas, "I'm going to have to spank your bare bottom or I'm just going to wear out my hand."
Now Tommy did start to panic. He felt the waistband of his pajamas slip past his hairless little _d_i_c_k_ as Kenny pulled them down. The cool air of the room was blowing against his suddenly exposed bottom. But even with only one hand to hold him, Kenny was more than a match for him. All his wiggling was in vain, and soon his pajamas were down to his knees.
"That struggling just earned you a few extra, Tommy," Kenny informed him. He drew back his hand and started up again, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Now Tommy really felt the spanks. Each blow to his bare bottom brought a new explosion of pain and he cried out into the cushions, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Kenny didn't want to overdo it, but he was going to spank these two good and proper. Tommy's buns had only had a slight pinkish tinge from before he had pulled the boy's pajamas down, but now they were becoming bright red, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
He moved his hand around, giving equal attention to both of the little cheeks, making sure that no area of Tommy's bottom was neglected. When everywhere was a hot, fiery red, he finished up with five good smacks to the center of his rear, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
He stopped and released his grip on Tommy. The boy stood up and sorrowfully rubbed his blazing backside. Tears were streaming down his face, but Kenny had little sympathy.
"Now, you go stand in the corner over there, Tommy. And leave your pajamas down. I'm going to tell your parents about your behavior when they get home, and I want them to see how I dealt with it."
With some difficulty, Tommy shuffled over to the corner, still sniffing. Then Kenny turned his attention to Willie.
"Come over here," he said to the younger boy.
Willie had been standing by the kitchen door, somehow hoping he would not be noticed. Seeing Tommy spanked had stunned him. It had also slightly excited him, but he was hoping against hope that he would avoid the same fate. Now that it was clear that this was not the case, he started to softly cry tears of regret.
"I'm sorry, Kenny," he moaned as he trudged over, "Please don't spank me."
Kenny didn't say anything but pulled the boy next to him. He methodically unsnapped Willie's pajamas and began to loosen them. The pitch of Willie's crying increased as the man pulled them down, exposing his small prick and naughty bottom. He put up no struggle as Kenny placed him over his lap and got him set. Kenny shifted so that he had Willie's little white bottom sticking up in the most vulnerable position possible and then began to administer his second spanking of the night, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Right away he heard muffled wails from the boy, but even though he was going to go easier on Willie than he had on Tommy, there were many more spanks to go before he was done, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Willie's bottom was smaller than his brother's was, and so most of the time, Kenny's hand was landing on both cheeks, causing them to glow red, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Poor Willie was in agony. His naked buns felt like they were being toasted. After each spank, he prayed for it to be over, but again and again he felt the stinging smack of Kenny's hand on his bare bottom, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
Kenny had been counting and figured that twenty would be enough for Willie, but he made the last four harder than the rest, WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!! WHACK!!!
Kenny let the boy up and he rubbed his rear frantically, his little boyhood flopping about in the process. After a few moments of this, he sent him to stand in another corner like his brother, and he leaned back. The two boys were standing dutifully in the corner, arms at their sides and pajamas bottoms around their ankles with their pajama tops not covering their bright red bottoms.
'That's better,' he thought to himself and he settled back to read a magazine. The Barrys weren't due back for an hour, and he kept them standing that way the whole time. At one point, Willie had asked to go to the bathroom. Kenny let him, but then sent him right back into the corner. He heard Dave and Beth pull in, but didn't bother getting up. They opened the door and came in.
"Tommy? Willie? Why are you guys standing in the corner with your pants down?" Dave asked in a very curious voice.
"I spanked them for being a pair of brats," Kenny informed him, "How was Neil Diamond?"
"He was great. What do you mean, you spanked my kids?"
"You told me to send them to bed or something. I tried sending them bed and when that didn't work, I tried something else. And that did work, by the way."
Dave was on the verge of saying something else, when Beth whispered in his ear. His look changed from one of indignation to one of guilt.
"Why did you ask me about Neil Diamond?"
"Because Tommy and Willie kindly informed me that you went to see him tonight. I didn't know he was related to you."
"All right, Kenny, you've caught me out. I apologize for not telling you the truth, but Beth and I really wanted to go."
"I forgive you Dave," Kenny said as he stood up, "But that's an extra one you owe me. I'll see you guys tomorrow when I come to get your column."
After giving Dave and Beth a very brief run down of Tommy and Willie's sins of the evening he turned to the two lads in the corner.
"See you boys later," he said, "It was fun."
"See you later, Kenny," they muttered into the wall. Kenny left and Dave turned to face his sons.
"Come out of there, you two, and pull up your pajamas." They were only too happy to comply and were soon dressed again.
"And to think I felt sorry for you. You could have kept your mouths shut. You're lucky I don't spank you myself."
"Oh, Dave," his wife said, "It is partly our fault. We did ask them to cover for us, after all."
"Yea, but we didn't ask them to torment Kenny all night. I can just imagine what he's going to want in repayment. Anyway, you two run up to bed."
Tommy and Willie ran up the stairs. Their bottoms still hurt and they both lay face down. Tommy felt a bit guilty, since he was the one who suggested that they go back downstairs, and so he decided to see if he could help Willie out. He got some cream from the bathroom and went over to his brother's bed. Gently, he pulled Willie's pajamas down and rubbed his brothers buns. When he was done, Willie returned the favor and they both fell asleep with smiles on their faces.
Afterword: One point; I'm not a Neil Diamond fan and nor is Dave Barry. He once wrote a column poking fun of Neil Diamond's lyrics and got several angry letters from middle-aged lady fans of Mr. Diamond. This inspired him to write "Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs". Having him go to a Neil Diamond concert was an inside joke for Dave Barry fans.